Relate or just split up or counselling on my own

[confusedNC]

I've been with husband for 13 years, married for 5, have 2.5 year old son.

Since son was born (and some time before I think) things have not been great in our marriage but have now reached a point where 'dh' has said this morning we have to talk to decide whether we go to counselling or split up. I've known this was coming though thought it would come from me, and I just never feel strong enough or clear headed enough to make a decision.

I am very stressed around him. THere is so much stuff I could write it would be pages long but I have recently been wondering whether he is actually (mildly) abusive. Nothing physical but emotional, financial and verbal.

I don't earn much. It's 5k a year on temporary contracts but it's a good job, which gives me the potential to get a good salary at some point in the future. He earns the money really and pays mortgage, but we don't have a joint account. He pays me housekeeping which he decides how much. This usually doesn't cover everythign. He has recently refused to pay the big quarterly gas/elec bills and I have emptied my savings keeping us afloat. The big row that I get if I tried to deal with this was just too much for me so I feel 'controlled' by fear of those blow ups.

He is very stressed with work but it all comes down to the fact he can't deal with people. Nothing is ever his fault. He even said this morning that he has concluded that I have despised him since our son was born, maybe I had PND but 'everyone' thinks my behaviour was appauling. This aggressive tone is typical. His mother is a counsellor and backs up his thoughts towards me. He did nothing to help when son was born, told my mother I was being a 'dick' when she was staying to help when I was v ill post delivery. His brother visited when son was 10 days old, I was in pieces crying. The brother told DH he thought my behaviour was disgusting and DH agreed. So this is the level of understanding I have had from his family. I feel they just want me to 'behave myself'/ do as I'm told. Not allowed an opinion.

Last week, I was v v tired and headachey (high bp and stressed by this). I have his dinner ready every night when he gets in. He sat down to eat with us but through the entire meal, he was packing a parcel for his ebay business. The sound of scrunching paper and the rip of the tape was going right through me so I asked him to stop till after dinner. He exploded and told me 'why don't you go top yourself'. I was so stunned I asked him to repeat it which he did. NExt day I said I thought he shoudl apologise and the apology was that I had made him angry so he just said what he thought because of that.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give some examples, there are many many more. Would counselling be worth while? He has offered to pay for me to go to counselling but I don't want him treating me like a car to be fixed when he has the purse strings. He isn't concerned about my mental health. THis is so we can be a 'normal' marriage again and start having sex which we haven't in so long I can't remember how long it is.

I read that EA/VA situations shouldn't go to couples therapy. So I don't know what to do. HELP please.

This doesn't sound right to me at all. Where is the support and the love?
Have you asked what you want? And do you think any amount of counselling for him would make him a better husband?

From what you've said, I don't think you are at fault at all lovely. Do you want this marriage to continue? It sounds like he is the one making you so ill and depressed - no?

I think I'm finding it hard letting go of the person I met and loved and the person I feel I'm with now. I'm hanging onto hope that the 'real him' is still in there but that's probably just stupid.

I just feel utterly exhausted. I've got to go do the shopping shortly and I've got tears streaming down my face. My asthma is kicking in. Yes I do feel he is the cause of how I feel. I have felt dragged down by him for a long long time. I think I dread counselling if we went together because it feels like he will wants to 'win', to make me comply, understand that I'm at fault somehow. I'm going away to my parents without him for Easter. I need to get away and I hoped we could do the big talk after that but he wants to do it this weekend.

I think some time away from him is a good idea. Are you able to talk to your family honestly about what is happening?

Of course you want the man back that you married, but he has to understand where your pain is coming from - thats part of the deal when you are married - its not part of the deal to blame you and be blind to what is really going on. If you think the counselling could open his eyes then it might be worth it, but if he is really going into it to 'win' that isn't a good place to start. A relate counsellor, a good one, wouldn't be attaching blame but he has to be open to everything that is said, and willing to work on making things better - and that means supporting you and perhaps drawing a line under what has gone on - could he do that?

Do you really think a big chat is likely to change things?

I feel for you - it sounds awful and you are left with the coping wit the children when you are clearly at a very low ebb. One day at a time, but I would really think hard about whether you think this man can accept that big big changes need to be made - and he needs to do most of the changing.

I can talk to my Mum. Dad can't cope with seeing me upset so will ignore it. Mum knows how bad I am. That's why I'm going up next week. They're on holiday just now or I would have rung her. Feel very alone. I have some good friends but I feel I just go round and round in circles and it's not fair to just keeping going on about it.

Thank you v much for your response. I think being shown some kindness is what makes me crack right now. I need to pull myself together and go and do the chores.

I think you are very perceptive. I think the fear I have is that counselling won't change anything. I don't think he can take personal responsibility. That's why it's easier to label me as pnd/neurotic and the one that needs fixing. I hate the way he said it this morning. 'You could go to counselling. I'll pay'. It should be our money anyway not HIS money. I feel degraded.

Thank you for your kind words

Tbh, I don't think joint counselling will help, as he sounds a nasty piece.
Individual counselling might work for you, though.

In any case, it sounds like you'd do better in getting legal advice, as well from CAB.

Yes he is abusive, he leaves you short and you're using savings to pay household bills, dinner on the table for him, don't answer back, he sounds like something out of the 18thC.

It also sounds like the good marriage ended a long time ago and you've been left with a nasty obnoxious control freak, I'm not sure either if counselling would help. I think you need support and understanding though, do you have close friends you can confide in?

I do have good friends' jan but many of them have their own problems and ultimately this has been going on so long, I feel whilst it helps to off load, it doesn't get me any further forward. I think long term change can only come from me finding some strength and making tough decisions, but I never seem to find the place where I can do that.