Help me save my marriage

[hopefullyhopeful]

NCd as scared of being outed, also don't want to drip feed, but also worried about giving too much away, so apologies in advance (paranoid much!?)

I've put off posting for a while, I hoped things would come right again, but they haven't & I'm really not sure what to do :(

Together 11yrs, married for most of that time, two children, of school age. I'm not sure what's changed, but DH & I are living like lodgers in the same house.

He's a great hands on Dad, and we usually get on great, we never argue which I used to think was good but now I wonder if that's causing things to be unresolved.

My biggest problem recently has been a feeling of being taken for granted, doing almost all housework, childcare etc as well as working p/t. I feel like the unpaid help, I'm tired, feel like a drudge & for the first time in my life, my sex drive disappeared.

Sex was a big part of our relationship, fun, and I like the closeness it brings. But recently I feel like that's all I'm here for & I can't enjoy it.

All I want is time together to re connect, but he's away with work again. We never do anything special, there's no romance & when I try, I feel silly now.

DH has been stressed about financial issues, so ideas I have are met with 'can't afford it" but I'd be happy with a picnic in the park, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture.

I honestly, right now, can't picture another decade of this. I'm so miserable & sick of not feeling important and having nothing to look forward to.

Am I being spoilt & entitled? Is this normal after being together so long?

I feel like I can't speak to him, as it comes out the wrong way, or I sound ungrateful that he works so hard for us.

I've never ever had doubts or felt like this before & it's scaring me :(

You're going to have to talk to each other. If it tends to come out the wrong way, write down what it is you want to say in advance and see how it looks. It's not ungrateful or spoilt if you phrase it that that you're worried about the loss of connection or that you're feeling overlooked and taken for granted. Perfectly reasonable thing to say. Perfectly reasonable to want your partner to listen & understand. When writing it down work out what it is what you actually want.... is it acknowledgement? help? change? If financial issues are causing stress, what's the plan? How can you resolve things as a team? If 'can't afford it' means you're both trying to sustain a champagne lifestyle on shandy money, is pride getting in the way of doing what needs to be done?

After being married 11 years, it doesn't sound like there's anything drastically wrong in your relationship, it just needs 're-vitalising' a bit.
It's very common to get stuck in routines that become expected or taken for granted, and there's every chance he feels the same too.
It is normal, but not sure if it's spoiled or entitled to expect some romance...
What about arranging something special (inexpensive) for both of you, and talk about what you love most about your relationship when it's going well, that sort of thing...

Just wanted to say that this is a very common thing to happen. Act now before you drift apart too much and there is no way back.
Financial strain doesn't help romance either!
I wish I could tell you what the right thing to do is about "acting now", I hope someone with more ideas comes along.

Agree with above, insist to your OH that you start doing date nights, as you said it doesn't have to involve spending a lot of money but a day or night with no interruptions, just you and him talking. You are not being spoilt at all, you are trying to get back the good fun you two used to have, life can take over all that so it's important to keep reconnecting with your partner.

Thanks everyone, talking would be a good start!

No champagne lifestyle, financial issues are dealt with, but things will be tighter for next year or two. We rarely eat out & haven't been on holiday for past two years etc.

I'm not blameless, I find it hard to talk about things, I take things personally & hold on to hurt feelings. DH talks over me sometimes & I'm an avoider!

Will suggest date night, even once a month would be a huge improvement. I feel like I've nothing to look forward to & over time I've lost enthusiasm for just about everything, that way I'm not disappointed.

Hello. I'm going through a similar thing as you. I'm starting very small and just asking DH to text me in the day to let me know how he is or anything interesting that's happened. I'm trying to do the same . It sounds pathetic but I'm literally trying to develop some communication between us which isn't to do with parenting, running household etc.

I too am in the same position as you, DCs a little younger, however we seem to be further down the line as in we haven't actually spoken for 8 weeks. Communication has gone, kindness, caring etc etc all gone. He has this evening mentioned moving out and I'm shocked but can totally see that things can't carry on like this. But I think the damage may be done and there may be no way back for us. So my words of wisdom (!) act now, things can slide very quickly if let. Best of luck.

Im so sorry frogs :(

That's the worry, how quickly things can deteriorate.

It's scary how well I cope when he's away, and in a way I prefer it, as there's no awkwardness.

That last sentence scares me :(

Meant to say, I hope you can sort it out if that's what you want

I relate to how you feel completely - my H is away from 6.30-6.30 every day, things run smoothly. I know I can do it and I know deep in my heart I don't feel the same way I used to about him, but it's the finality of it all that makes me so sad. Tonight I just looked at him sat with his wedding ring on and thought that's my husband. But in the next moment, well yeah and I'm his wife but he doesn't seem to treat you kindly ie, general skivvy and main parent. It's the emotional side I need to get past.

But it is scary how quickly things can deteriorate - do you think your DH has it in him to resolve things, a real desire to? My main issue is we would resolve things, another 6 months back to this again, and then another year passes ....

I think my DH would be horrified if he knew how I felt. I don't think he realises how unhappy I am or how strained I feel we are.

Things have been different between us, ie not really speaking, the lack of sex is obvious but I've tried to joke about that. So he knows we're not 'right'.

Realistically, unless either of us cheated (that's the only instant deal breaker) I can't see us ever splitting up, we couldn't do that to the DC.

So if things got really bad, he'd be open to counselling & we'd try to make it work.

I hope you can work it out, as previous posters mentioned, sit down and chat. It's the biggest regret I now have. Good luck to you x

Thanks, and to you

Hi,
I just wanted to say I completely relate to how you feel. My DC are young (3 and 8 months) so I guess we're still in the 'difficult' stage but I guess I'm sad that having kids hasn't really bought us closer together, it's made us more distant. I feel like so much of the work I do is invisible. I've just finished bf my DD and have had almost no appreciation of the fact that I've existed on next to no sleep for months but have looked after both kids and done all the housework and cooking. I think probably if we had more time together things could be better. It isn't that it's awful - but like you I feel taken for granted, bored, frumpy. All our time and affection goes to the kids, and by the time they're in bed were so tired we collapse in front of the TV.
I don't really know how to deal with it because DH doesn't really do deep and meaningfuls. I don't think he thinks things are that bad. Most of my mum friends seem to have similar issues.
I don't have any great advice but just to wish you all the best.

How's it going? I sat down to write pretty much the same op as yours, but couldn't get started and then found your thread. Interesting to hear others with the same kind of experiences. It sort of makes me feel it's not too bad.

I've namechanged back to an old user name that I used when feeling dreadful previously.

I don't know where to start really. I'm having counselling for what started as a different issue but am beginning to be really confused about is me and my issues and what is DH and, oh well I can't even make sense here. I do think my counsellor thinks I'm coming home each time to a loving and caring husband but in reality we can't really talk.

I don't know how to fix it. Or how to start. I don't want it to harm DD and DS, whatever I do.

Sorry for hijack x