how do you practically split up if you don't earn the money

[confusedNC]

It's got to crunch time in my marriage. 'd'h told me he wants to talk this weekend. We have to decide if we are going to counselling/splitting up/getting divorced/selling house etc. His words.

I am very stressed. Been ill with high bp and asthma most of this week and very teary. I will probably start another post about the emotional side as my head is all over the place about where to go from here.

But, practically speaking, how do you go about splitting up if one of you earns the money? I do work but it's short term contracts and I earn only about 5k a year currently. I'm sticking with it because it's basically a career change into lecturing and I'm hoping to build up my hours or get a permanent job eventually.

Our DS is 2.5.

Husband earns 30k in a job he hates. We have a mortgage. He gives me 'housekeeping', I don't have access to 'his money'. The housekeeping doesn't really cover what I have going out. I pay all bills, he pays mortgage and a couple of insurances.

I think if I was honest, I'd love a temporary separation just so I can think. I'm so stressed having him around. I'm not sure about going to relate, in that I've been wondering if I'm actually being abused lately. EA/VA not physical.

How do you do this stuff? I have no idea where to start.

You really need legal advice which I suggest you get as soon as possible. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation. As a married woman with a child you have certain advantages. Any assets (house, savings etc) would be deemed 'joint' in the event of a divorce so if there's any equity in your home you'd have a claim to half as a starting point. Your STBX would then be responsible for supporting your DS financially using a percentage of his disposable income. He'd also be responsible for 50/50 parenting of DS potentially enabling you to increase your hours and earnings. As a single woman with a child and a low income you'd be entitled to certain state benefits on top (tax credits for example) and you may find you're better off than you think.

But do get proper advice from CAB, a solicitor and other agencies. Even if you think counselling is the way forward, you'll feel stronger if you have good information backing you up. Best of luck

You would apply for benefits and also advise your husband that he needs to pay maintenance.

Or if you were having a break for a month or so it might just be worth keeping your finances as they are until yous actually decide if yous are to separate or not.

I suppose benefits would only be for rented accomodation though? I'm scared of ending up somewhere really rough. It's not a great town. Our house is nice but I couldn't pay mortgage alone and DH couldn't pay mortgage and rent for himself.

I'm crying now I'm so stressed by the thought of all this when I find day to day work, housekeeping and looking after son enough at the moment. The thought of the 'talk' with DH is filling me with dread.

One of the realities of divorce is that you end up with two households rather than one and that both those households are probably going to have to live on less money than they're used to. That's sometimes enough of an incentive in itself for couples to work at the relationship and find solutions. Other times the relationship has fallen apart irretrievably and staying together is worse than any rented property.

THank you Cogito - yes I'm sure that's true. I think this is what has been going round and round in my head but I guess it's going to be taken out of my hands anyway as DH has decided things have to go one way or the other. I feel so guilty for our son.

Whatever happens, definitely don't leave it to your husband to determine the course of your life. That's not part of the bargain at all - waiting for him to give the thumbs up or down. Personally speaking, I'd rather make my own decisions and retain my self-respect, even if it means living in a caravan eating cold baked beans round a candle.

Maintainance is 15% of net income for one child but can be reduced depending on number of nights he has them.

On his income I guess that would be around £300 per month.

You are earning around £400 per month.

You would almost certainly qualify for housing benefit and other benefits.

It can be hard financially but better than staying with someone you don't want to be with.

THank you male and cogito. I think if it was just me I would have been out of here and it would have been easy. It's thinking of my son in all this that is tearing me to bits. I can't take what is a nice home and put him in some rough estate hell hole, I just can't. I need to earn more money myself in order to provide if we do split - in fact I need to earn more money even if we don't because I'll never have my own money if we stay together. It helps to get the practical view. In some ways, in terms of monthly income, I probably wouldnt' be much worse off. It's more where we'd end up living that worries me. I guess it can be sorted. Private rents maybe. I guess I'll never have my own home again though. I won't get a mortgage at 40+ :(

If location is all that's holding you back, maybe it would help to do some proper research on local housing? It's a good ambition to earn more money and be self-sufficient before you call it a day, but not if it becomes another bar to your cage.