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Original poster

My Mum was drunk while babysitting my kids

16 replies

Overrun · 21/08/2006 20:52

I have a difficult relationship with my Mum, and she has what is known as a drink problem. We came back at the end of an evening out, to find that she was slurred and she kept repeating herself.
Dad had been over too, and they had had beer and wine with dinner, he had then gone home, and she had obviously finished off the wine.
I didn't say anything because things are fraugth between us, and whenever I do say anything about drinking it never does any good.
I was furious though. I mean she wasn't fall over drunk, but how would she have coped in an emergency? What if my three year old had woken up and couldn't understand what was wrong with her.
What would other people do? I just feel as if I can't trust her with my children if she is going to do that

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 21/08/2006 20:55

Oh dear

I am sorry to hear this. I have a bit of a troubled relationship with drink so am not really the best person to ask, but I would not be happy if this happened to me.

Do you drink? Do you ever get a bit pissed while the kids are asleep? I suppose it is no different for her, really, but as I say, I would not be pleased.

TBH I would not let someone with a drink problem care for my children, full stop. Too unpredictable.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/08/2006 20:57

Its a bit off. I suspect saying something wouldnt achieve anything except an argument.

Would just suggest you dont ask her to babysit for you in future.

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:03

Hello Franny and VeniVidiVickiQV
yeah its a bit off, there might have been a few times when I've got that drunk with kids upstairs, usually try not to in case they wake up. Or if I am hammered my dh won't be. thats not to say we both wont drink some wine in the evning.
I would never dream of drinking while looking after some one elses children though.
In terms of not letting some one with a drink problem look after them, thats hard when its their granny we are talking about. It does put me off asking, I haven't since. We are not made of money though and it's hard to knock back free babysitting, cos it's important for us to get out sometimes.
She doesn't drink every day, but when she does she really gets hammered.
Really angry with her (for a change)

OP posts:

buktus · 21/08/2006 21:03

my mum is an alcoholic and has been for over ten years, i thought that by the time her grandchildren arrived she would change but she hasnt and i have never left them alone with her not even for 1 second as she is soooo incompetent, she knows the reason i have explained it fully to her but she is in denial still about the drink - if she cant change for the sake of her grandkids then she never will, it is a shame because she is missing out on so much and so are the kids

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2006 21:05

Overrun,

I would seek someone more responsible than your parents to look after your children on a night out. A company called "Sitters" may well operate in your area.

Did she (Mum) initially offer to look after your children or did you ask her to babysit them for you?. I only ask this as if she offered she has let you down even more so than she already has.

I take it as read that there are other long standing issues besides her drinking that is causing such a fraught and dare I say toxic relationship between the two of you. You may well have to put more distance between you and her to save your own self from her selfishness. An aloholics primary relationship is with drink; everyone and everything else comes a distant second.

Have you ever talked with anyone like Al-anon about your Mum's drinking?.

tiredemma · 21/08/2006 21:06

my mother ( who has a drink problem) looked after my ds1 when he was about 4 mths old, i told her not to drink, but came back from night out to find her asleep, in bed with ds1 swaddled in a blanket next to her. She was so drunk i could barely wake her, what if she had suffocated ds1?? hence she has never been trusted to look after either him or his younger brother since- this was nearly 6 yrs ago.

If I were you, id perhaps not allow her to look after your children again until she can prove to be trusted.

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:08

buktus
Thats very strong of you, I haven't felt the need to do that, but would if I was sufficiently concerned.
I guess its a bit of a grey area, because Mum isn't "an alcoholic" but does abouse drink. both my parents drink extremely heavily, there is a culture of it in my family.
Good example was my Grandfathers 87th birthday party, they were all drinking and got him really drunk and then my Dad had to go in the taxi with him and my Nana, as she was worried that he would stumble in their drive way.
Gramps helps Nana get dressed undressed, so god knows what happenend that night. But thats how you celebrate birthdays in my family

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2006 21:09

Overrun

Their granny or not, she has a drink problem and therefore you cannot rely on her to be fully compos mentis when it comes to looking after your children.

You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. That's a misconception.

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:11

sorry other people have posted while I was composing that. I probably should stop her from babysitting, but it has only been the one incident. Perhaps I'm weak but not sure I can face the fall out. Don't go out very often so will have a while to think about this. do use a babysitter but she is often busy. Have also used agencies, but they are so expensive.

OP posts:

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:15

Attilathemeerkat
I know that an alcoholic doesn't have to drink every day. Perhaps I am flinching from using that expression. It would certainly apply to my Father as well.
I have worked with people with drug and alcohol problems in my professional life, and tend to use the term "abusing alcohol" I find the term "Alcoholic" a loaded label for some people, and a bit medical. But hand on heart probably do shy away from it with my Mum because of how that makes me feel.
Great that I never get anywhere with my own parents though

OP posts:

buktus · 21/08/2006 21:24

perhaps she just got a bit carried away at the moment especially as it has never happened before, my mum is an alcoholic i have picked her up off the floor, phoned ambulances etc so many times i have lost count she thinks nothing of downing a bottle of spirits and as i have got older i can sense how it makes her change even if she ahs just started drinking a few mouthfuls i can tell, i have never drunk in my life and it has put me off forever - i just get used as a regular taxi service

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2006 21:28

Overrun

Your last post addressed to me was very interesting.

I got the feeling from your postings that there was some element of denial from your good self regarding your parents own drinking. I see you have worked in your professional life with people who have drink problems (and take my hat off to you greatly for doing so, such services are greatly needed) but I think you now need to talk with someone impartial regarding your own parents' drinking even though it will be emotionally difficult. I think your own feelings regarding your parents drinking have been kept under wraps for too long. Just because they're your parents does not mean to say that somehow you cannot speak up.

You probably realise this already but their alcoholism is theirs to deal with and you cannot and should not take ownership of it.

Would seriously consider talking with Al-anon.

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:29

Thats hard buktus. I do drink but really moderately I think, there is always that bit of me that thinks that i will end up like them. Having a parent who drinks really affects you i think. I really don't like taking my children round to their house, as it exposes them to heavy drinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Overrun · 21/08/2006 21:33

AttilaTheMeerkat
Thanks for your response. I wonder if you are right, I think that I am in turn in denial and also immunised to the amount they drink iyswim?
I could try Al non, but I suspect there is part of me that is frightenend of this, as it sort of confirms it all for the very real problem it is
While it is a matter for my brother and sisters and I to worry about, it isn't formalised in any way.
I expect that my posting here is significant in itself. It's kind of you all to respond and it has given me food for thought

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2006 21:44

Overrun

I wish you well in the event you do decide to talk with Al-anon. I hope you do.

You do not have to end up like them and be afraid that you will. You can make a conscious choice not to do as they have done and learn from them just as they made a conscious choice to start drinking to excess.

I believe that Susan Forward writes at some length about alcoholic parents in her book called "Toxic Parents". You may want to read that particular chapter.

I wish you well

lukenjoesmummy · 21/08/2006 22:04

My dad was an alcoholic and I never told him how much I hated it until I had ds1 and he turned up drunk at the hospital and totally showed me up. I was so furious that he got 30 years worth of pent up anger (not to mention all the post natal hormones) flung at him at once and it really shook him up. I told him he would never put my son through what I went through and if I ever saw him drunk again he'd lose us. I've never seen him drunk since then and we actually ended up having quite a good relationship. Although I know he still drank a lot when I wasn't around. The thing is I wished I'd said something earlier because I think he honestly didn't realise how badly it had affected me and my brother.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant wasn't it

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