Well it looks like I'll never see my mother again. She's not dead but the grief is overwhelming.

[AdrenalineOverload]

I need a good slap and to be told that I'm a big girl now, I'll be fine.

Why do I feel like a little kid desperately missing her mummy at the age of 42 and a mother myself?

The cheeky bitch cut ME off for trying to come to terms with my frankly abysmal childhood by asking her questions about it and asking her if she remembered almost killing me several times! I am furious that the damn woman occupies even a millisecond of my thoughts.

She was addicted to valium all through my childhood, severely so and I know it can cause memory loss but she insisted that MY memories was false. I swing between utter rage at her for the loss of the person I could have been if I hadn't been sexually, physically and emotionally abused (and realised too late how fucked up it made me) and shame that I have upset her enough to never want to see me again.

My DC have lost their grandmother as well in this and the guilt is overwhelming sometimes. My therapist tells me this is the best thing for them so the cycle can stop with me but it still hurts so much.

My therapist and I did some 'inner child' therapy yesterday. I saw my 8 year old self and felt her utter terror, despair and self loathing. It was shocking and how ever much I try to minimise my memories of my childhood, I cannot deny the emotions that I felt during it.

It is so hard carrying on functioning with all this in the background (I have 4 DC, one with SN, and I am doing a degree). I just want to collapse but I can't, can't take meds as I am afraid of turning out like my mother, can't drink as I am afraid of becoming an alcoholic like my father.

I need an epiphany. 'It will pass' just won't cut it because it won't and still hasn't!

Can't read and run, but not sure what to say.

It sounds like your children will actually benefit, being removed from such a hurtful person.

My therapist is great, hope yours is too and you feel supported by them.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to you

Thank you Coffee. Therapist is wonderful but it's all a bloody hard slog this therapy stuff!

I don't really have anything helpful to say, but I'm sorry, and I know how you feel.

I feel the affects of mothers abuse more and more every day. I thought I'd got over the worst in my early twenties and now in my thirties I'm wading around knee deep in fury and grief that I'll never ever know who I would have been if she hadn't destroyed my childhood.

I dunno when or how it gets easier. Maybe it doesnt. But it does make us strong, and mindful of others, and self aware.

Hugs.

It won't pass, but it will get better. For different reasons, I have exactly the same with my parents - my 'version' of my childhood is a different world to theirs. I've come to terms with it and understand that they need to hold on to their version or their world will crumble. They will never admit what really happened, never. Your mother was an addict and I'm guessing that what happened while she was is too much for her to 'remember'. She just can't. You need to accept that and get on with your life. She will never give you closure. You have to do that for yourself. In a way, she's done you a favour by going NC. You can start to rebuild without her presence influencing you. It's not easy, but it can be done. You don't need a slap, but you can be ok. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on you, not her.

Like all grieving it is a process of stages and it will get easier. For what it's worth, you are better off NC and your counsellor sounds excellent. Stick with it, no matter how hard it gets, please. Allow yourself to let her go.

That is really sad. there must be so many thoughts doing laps !!

I had an epiphany a few years ago but it was easier for me as my mother wasn't so neglectful that I was sexually abused. I don't think I could ever just shrug over that. But my own epiphany was that although she was controlling and domineering to me when I was a child, she is now a good mother to an adult woman. The legacy of her being so domineering and controlling was that I ended up in an abusive relationship with a controlling man, so, although my mother could never understand it and would be so offended if I raised it now (and indignant and martyred!) I can accept that that is the way it was because she is a good mother to an adult woman. She's peaked now.

Not sure that that helps you but epiphanies are possible at any point I guess. That doesn't mean you have to stay in touch while you wait for it.

Glad your psychotherapist is good. I only realised that my psychotherapy had been really beneficial about 18 months after it. It was whirring away in the back of my head for ages. When I'd had time to react differently to all the things that had pissed me off so much in the past. I looked back on my old reactions with helpful new way of looking at things. gradual process though.

ps, that's the sign of good psychotherapy!!. I used to feel wrecked after my sessions. I had an acquaintance that wasn't really put through the hoops in the same way I was. He used to merrily skip out of his sessions and I don't think he's moved forward much in his way of looking at things or reacting to things.

Can you try and ditch the shame about losing contact with her? She's cut you off rather than face up to the ordeal she put you through, not because you upset her, but because she is too ashamed to confront it.

Can you give yourself time off from thinking about it? Just practise having a few minutes each day of very full on focus on positive attributes.

Just from your post I could mention:

You are very strong (to have questioned her)
You are very brave
You don't drink or take drugs because you care too deeply about your children to take that risk
You have broken a malign cycle
you are a caring mother
you are setting a brilliant, positive example by doing this
You are studying to have a better or richer life

Do you notice and value and give credit to yourself for all of these? You mentioned them without any sense of boasting.

there will be loads of times when you feel you are none of these things. But you are all of these great things, even if you are also a gibbering emotional wreck at times too!

My psychotherapist told me to mother myself. I was (and still am) confused about that. But she said it would help me be a better mother to my own children. Although I am not controlling or domineering I sometimes feel a bit detached from them; like they are boring me and I just can't wait for them to go to bed so I can do my own thing. But the Psychotherapist told me to visualise myself mothering me............ it's kind of hard. I just look after myself. Treat myself! Take vitamins.

By studying, you are investing in to yourself. That deserves praise. Give it to yourself.

You definitely won't be getting a slap from me. I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately, but no slap either.

Be kind to yourself, please.

Sweetheart, the last thing you need is a "good slap".

You are 42 in physical age, but inside there are parts of you that are still frozen at the age(s) you were when you were abused. That is not your fault in any way, that is a result of abuse.

And it is very, very hard to live with.

Hopefully your therapist can show you how to treat yourself with the unconditional love, compassion and respect you so deeply deserve. Because you're not just mothering your DC, you're also re-parenting yourself.

Yes, the grief is overwhelming - can you make any space for yourself at all outside your therapy sessions where you can just feel the grief if you need to; cry; whatever? It must be so, so hard with all the demands there are on your time, love and energy already, but if you can carve out any space for you, for your inner child, it would pay off long term.

Sending you my warmest wishes, and a big hug if you want it. The damage that abusive parents do to us goes so horrifically deep. But you are not alone.

you need to google "rewind" therapy.

similar childhood re mother.
stepfather (abusive) ((very))

last year i had rewind. its a revelation. 20 mins - emotional response gone. memories are left in tact but the emotional response is taken away.
its fantastic.

google it.

I don't have the answers but I do understand. I am NC with my father. I haven't been through anything as bad as you have, I am so sorry you are coping with so much. But I get the grief - for what was, and for the fact that I feel like my parents are both dead, which my mum is, even with my dad alive. He too rewrites history to suit him, with himself as the victim and the hero by turns. And I am mid-counselling too and it's exhausting, emotionally.
After sessions my counsellor helps me 'put away' the painful 'boxes', and I always have a treat/ something different planned afterwards to draw a line. My counsellor also has me art journal between sessions which helps with all the overflowing feelings.
You sound like you are doing amazingly, no slaps here, just empathy.

Can you try to use kinder language in your thoughts about yourself, similar to how you treat your children? So, you wouldn't say, dc needs a slap, you'd try to listen to why they were upset, and try to understand. Whenever you notice your inner voice being harsh, say No, start again. Your inner voice comes from your mum' s words and treatment of you as a little kid, it's not some objective or knowledgeable view, and you can retrain it.
You might also want to consider taking a break from something - study? - and freeing up time to yourself. Obviously this might not be appropriate and you might love studying. But therapy is hard work and takes more than just the hour a week you have it. Ideally you'd spend the following morning in a spa or something, prob not how it is with 4 dc and college.

Oh and meds/drink/other crutch wouldn't help you long term as you probably know. Totally get the longing for some sort of mental respite though. Something like rock climbing might be helpful, you must concentrate on it to the exclusion of all else so it can be quite refreshing.

You don't need a slap - you need a huge hug or a hand hold or a cup of tea or all of the above! Absolutely tons of sympathy from me. I'm very low contact with both parents - emotional abuse, both narcs. I've been in therapy for about 4 years and agree that its utterly gruelling. Its also by far the best thing I've ever done for myself - I'm getting stronger all the time.

The 'mothering yourself' idea really works. I prefer to think of it as being a really good friend to myself because for me, mother is a negative word. I practice it by praising myself as often as possible for making good decisions or getting something right, and reassure myself that its ok when I have a bad day. I literally say to myself 'well done babe, that was a good choice'. It might sound really odd but it really works for countering the negative critical voices that so many of us have in our heads. Good luck and do keep posting if it helps

Great posts especially from mavisg and cottonwoolmum.

You may never see her again OP, but if you keep berating yourself you are doing her work for her. Step back and look at how you've written about yourself. Now imagine it was one of your dc writing it. Would they need a slap, or a hug?

You've been conditioned to think your hurt is unimportant, hallmark of all abuse. It's this you will have to work on as you heal. Huge big hug. Keep talking.

You are starting to process all the horrible times you had to deal with. It makes perfect sense that you are feeling like a child desperate for your mother because you are starting to understand that she was not there for you. At all.

Your emotions will be extreme at the moment, don't be surprised at rage as well as crying a lot. This is natural and it does get better. Just don't be hard on yourself.

Frankly its a good thing that your dcs are not exposed to the same abuse you suffered as a child. Too toxic for you, too toxic for your children.

Be aware that she will get back in touch as though nothing has happened. At the moment she is punishing you for standing up to her. The gaslighting was her own self defence, ignore it, she will not admit to what you say. Ever.

The guilt is your conditioning. It won't feel like it at the moment but it will reduce and eventually one day you'll wake up and realize the guilt has gone.

Your therapist sounds fantastic.

Great post Simile. I'm about to spend the weekend with my own parents and am feeling pretty sick about it but your words have helped, thanks