Married 5 years, together 9. Sex vv frequent for several years, then kind of normalish, then vv infrequent for several years. Virtually none for about 2 years, absolutely nothing for 6 months.
This is combined with lack of physical intimacy in general. No kissing with tongues for pretty much whole of our marriage, even during sex. We used to cuddle in morning before getting up. That's stopped, so has any hand holding when out and most kissing hello/ goodbye, even a peck.
For a while he'd still initiate sex sometimes and I'd be totally turned off as I found it v hard to go from weeks of lack of intimacy to being pawed at sexually. I felt it was my fault as.a result and tried to ignore it, just feeling relieved the longer he didn't want sex. Now he seems to have stopped wanting it either.
It's really come to the surface recently and yesterday he knew something was bothering me. Today I asked him want he thought it was and he suggests various things that are issues in my life right now, but nothing relationship based.
I know I have to say it, but I'm terrified. I dread the idea of him hen forcing himself to be affectionate to me out of obligation, and because its gone on for so long I feel like my attraction to him has completely died. I can't see a way forward. Esp as he seems so oblivious to to it.
I'm also terrified that it will reveal what I think is the truth- that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I can't remember the last time he said I looked nice and there've been a few weird instances recently. For example we were talking about something totally impersonal and I said jokingly. ' I can only assume I'm totally repulsive to everyone else on the planet' and he looked really uncomfortable and made a weird non committal scoffing noise. There have been a few similar cases.
He's incredibly unromantic, always has been, but otherwise is attentive, generous and considerate. Don't suspect physical affair as honestly can't think when he'd have the time, although EA not impossible. He was weirdly glued to work phone esp at weeknds and on hol. Will be tapping away furiously if I leave him alone for 10 seconds and would then seem to be locking it as soon as I came back into view. A few times I've played innocent and told him off for working when he's off, so he knows I've noticed. He usually fibs and says he was looking at a web page even if we're out of mobile data range and he was blatantly typing a message. That said there are no other sings and I know from early days of knowing him when we were seeing other people that be gets diabolical mentionitis. I know he has used porn and presumably still does but not aware of anything beyond very casual use of very tame free stuff.
I was about to say he has always displayed a very healthy attitude towards sex and women. Which he has, apart from one thing that came to light in the early days, which is that he has a fantasy about prostitutes.
Oh fuck. I've literally only just made the connection after typing all this out.