Visiting my parents with my children

[Barbie7]

It's getting harder and harder. I used to go every summer, once for about 3 weeks, to my home country to get out of London and to see family. But the children are 6 and 4 and I just spent a week up there and I think I won't be able to go back again, not with the children anyway. Does anyone else have a family like this?

I stay at my Dad's because he has a big house and it's near the town where I grow up whereas my mum is very distant and in the sticks, and she lives with a partner I don't get on with. I get on with my Dad but he's really strict and bullying with the children. They just plain don't like him and I don't blame them, I only liked my Dad as an adult.

My Mum's house is great for the children, they love seeing her - but she does my head in. Last time she reduced me to tears over tea in front of my children - I don't want it happening ever again. I have to look out for MY mental health for the sake of my own kids, her need to see me and the children is secondary. I know that sounds hard hearted but, that's just how it is.

My sister has lots of personal problems which means she lives in a squalid unhygienic house. I like staying with her but the environment is so depressing for the children.

What to do? Should I only visit when I can afford extortionate hotel fees? That would be about once every two years. Should I insist my family come and stay with us? We have a tiny place and not much space for visitors.

If you live distant from family and you have a difficult relationship with your parents, what do you do to keep up family ties? My family are keen on the children - they just don't show it very well.

Poor you, . I have a very poor relationship with my dad, who lives in his home country, and his family aren't easy. Yes, I now make sure we stay in hotels or hire a holiday home a reasonable distance away from them all (at least an hour's drive!). Our visiting becomes a treat for them, and for DD, and I find that's stopped the more personal stuff. My dad can't resist slapping DD when he's with her, so I've decided never to stay at his place again. Last 3 times we've made sure he only spends a day (not overnight) with us, and that sets boundaries without having to spell them out. I don't regret this as although it's sad DD won't get to know her relatives better, she might end up less messed up than me!

I hear you!

I have kind of blocked out how horrific it was visiting Dad when we were children. I think he had a breakdown when my mum walked out and because we were there he took it all out on us.

I get very angry when I hear of divorced parents treating their children like footballs between them because of the way I was raised.

Your solution sounds good, but it must be expensive getting a holiday home. I am glad I live so far away but in summer I do feel duty bound to try and see them. Sadly my dh can hardly ever get leave so I tend to be there alone, which makes everything exhausting, as nobody in my family "Pitches in" to babysit or anything -they just sit back and watch me struggle and tell me I'm a rubbish mother.

I think maybe if I'm honest, it is I who misses my home country, and I think I should just go on my own, and stay with my friends who live there, when I can get away and my husband has the children. Maybe that's how it will have to be.

Thanks for replying!

I hear you!

I have kind of blocked out how horrific it was visiting Dad when we were children. I think he had a breakdown when my mum walked out and because we were there he took it all out on us.

I get very angry when I hear of divorced parents treating their children like footballs between them because of the way I was raised.

Your solution sounds good, but it must be expensive getting a holiday home. I am glad I live so far away but in summer I do feel duty bound to try and see them. Sadly my dh can hardly ever get leave so I tend to be there alone, which makes everything exhausting, as nobody in my family "Pitches in" to babysit or anything -they just sit back and watch me struggle and tell me I'm a rubbish mother.

I think maybe if I'm honest, it is I who misses my home country, and I think I should just go on my own, and stay with my friends who live there, when I can get away and my husband has the children. Maybe that's how it will have to be.

Thanks for replying!

My MIL and I don't get on. We live at opposite ends of the country. When we go down there we stay in a hotel for three nights. When they come up here, they stay in a bungalow attached to a local hotel. It isn't the cheapest option, but definitely the best for our sanity!!

Going on your own sounds like a good plan, as then they'll see you and appreciate you, without this bad competitive stuff re. the kids emerging. Also it's so tiring and nobody ever seems to appreciate the length of journey, expense, effort to keep up with everyone's rules and standards... Another tactic I have if criticism starts [re. my accent, different manners, "You eat broccoli in England too??", etc.] is to suggest they make the effort to come over instead, as they never, ever want to do that ! Yes, a holiday home is expensive, so it can't be often - last 2 times I've been able to wangle a bit of work funding for it, but that was a fluke.