Is she trying to manipulate ds?

[LadyMaryLikesCake]

Ds is 15 and his father and I broke up whilst I was pregnant (he went off with someone else) and he moved abroad when ds was 3. I've always been welcoming to ds's grandparents as I thought it important for him to know all of his family, not just my side.

Ds and I moved house a couple of years ago to be closer to ds's school (his father had also stopped paying maintenance so we needed to cut costs as it was costing £150 a week just to get to school). We moved 15 miles away from our old house, I don't drive but she does so it's not far for her to come but she hasn't come to see us at all, despite her having siblings three miles away. She hasn't called (my phone number's been the same for 16 years), she doesn't return my calls or answer my text messages, she hasn't emailed (she has my email address, I've emailed her to let her know how ds is and she's never replied so I gave up after 6 months), and the last letter she sent was attached with a newspaper article about funding for a boarding school (he's at a private day school which I pay for without help from his father, she's spent 11 years before this telling me to move him to various schools around where she lives). We've been back to the old town a couple of times and have met up with her there but there's no other reason for us to go and I don't really have the time to do this as I work weekends and during the week, I also have MS so am not always able to run around on my days off.

She's quite hard work when we do see her, she'll ignore ds and will interrupt him to talk about random things when he's trying to talk to her or me, she once left my house in a sulk because he didn't want to give her the book that he was reading until he'd finished it (he was 5), she also went into ds's primary unannounced at lunch time and asked for a copy of his school reports because I didn't give her any information about how he was doing and told the head that I was jealous that his father had just married. There's other things too.

It was ds's birthday yesterday and she's sent him a card, saying how much she misses him and how she only has old pictures of him which she looks at all the time, and she doesn't know what he looks like so she only has these . She's said that she'll send him a gift when he gets in touch as she doesn't know if she has the right address for us, despite sending us cards/letters over the past 2 years and us trying to keep in touch , "a letter would be good so I can read it and think of you".

I'm quite pissed off to be honest. I'm happy she's sent ds a card and she's told him that she's thinking of him, but it feels so manipulative to say I'll only send you a present if you write to me.

Any ideas?

Who is 'she'?

Who is she? Your Ex's mum?

Sorry. Ex's mum.

I'd have a chat with him and see what he wants to do.

He's 15 and wants the present (shallow and I don't approve. I'd rather he wrote because he wanted to, not because she's said she's going to send him something).

Well, if that's the game she is offering, and he wants to play it - then let him. He will soon learn whether it is worth it or not.

I see your point, thank you

In a nutshell, yes. She's being manipulative.

Perhaps now on the direct charm offensive so she can lure him in and away from you.

Look at her actions so far. Where is the evidence for her having missed him? Why when you've repeatedly tried to engage her in his growth and progress has she never once asked for a picture?

Why are the hearts and flowers coming now?

Inform your son that people like that don't give gifts, as gifts are given without strings being attached.

Walk away and drop all contact with her. She's got an agenda, and believe me it's ugly.

I woudl be very clear to tell him that you -have- tried to keep in contact with her, that over the years you've mailed, tried to ring etc etc etc.

Your son needs absolutley to know both sides of the story and to see that one side is not telling the truth. He'll be able to see clearly which side, from knowing you.

If you don't tell him, he will have only one side and at 15 not many people's first through is 'is she lying, and why?'. He doenst have the awareness yet to see manipulation.

Actually I'm with hissy here. Her actions are highly suspect and yes, she's got an agenda and it's ugly. Otherwise she wouldn't be lying. By giving the impression that you've been deliberately cutting her out, it seems likely that she's out to tarnish you and perhaps to ingratiate herself with him .... which given how she is to you, can't be good.

Please be careful, there's some terribly sad stories of mothers whose children have been influenced and estranged from them by manipulative grandparents

I've no idea but I've just had to take her darling son to court for maintenance and he owes me thousands (so back to court!). I don't think she'll be able to lure him away, we're incredibly close (I'm a single parent still so he's only ever had me).

I don't believe any of them have acted out of ds's best interests and things have always been for themselves, not ds. The card was mostly about her and how she was feeling, there was a lot of 'I've been... I haven't heard from you... etc', so all about 'me'. She didn't apologise for ignoring him for a year and just read as though she was the hurt one. It didn't read of a card that a 15 year old should receive.

I want to avoid all of them, I think they are toxic, there's something IYKWIM. Ds's grandfather seems like the OK and we used to see him every month. He had a stroke about 7 years ago and the 'family' won't tell us where he is so we can't see him. We can only send cards and letters to them but I don't believe they are passed on. He told us before his stroke that they didn't like him seeing us and had told him not too but he'd told them to sod off. He can't speak very well since his stroke so he can't stand up for himself .

Hissy and Meerka. Thank you. I hadn't thought of that. She knows where we are, she knows my phone number so her card makes no sense other than what you've said If it had have been a nice 'how are you? Have a lovely birthday' card then I'd have thought differently but this just seems off. I see your points and I'm very grateful

Don't pass on any other letters to him.

It's your job to protect him.

Trust me, she's in this for herself, and whatever you say about your bond with your son won't matter to her, it's more of a challenge, you see?

If she's too toxic for you, then she's too toxic for your ds.

Tell him the truth - he's old enough- and show him what ulterior motives look like.

It'll teach him a valuable life lesson! :)

I will do. He's a bright boy, he'll get it. I'll have a chat with him later.

Thank you

My son's 8. I've had to have the conversation to explain why we don't see my mum anymore, not after we had to call the police on her and her vile H the last time they came.

They were all 'hearts and flowers, we've missed you so much too' he was even at the time!

She wrote to him too, asking him to write to her, telling him she lived by the sea, and saying he could come and stay with her.

This after she'd moved 4 hours away without even telling me where! apparently I was being unreasonable to be upset by this.

Trust your gut reaction. If you feel sick about it somehow, then something's rancid.

When my M wrote to DS, both he and I thought it was odd, independently. Something was 'off'. As it is in your case too.

That sounds horrid, Hissy. It must have been so upsetting for you both to have needed to do that. I'd be upset if my mum moved without telling me so you're absolutely not being unreasonable. How's your son now?

You're making a lot of sense. When I think about the boarding school flyer that she posted, there was something really off with that. I work so hard to keep him at his school so that he has the stability and I'd never dream of sending him away, so to even hint that he shouldn't live with me was nasty.

She is toxic. Avoid. It won't end well if your DS engages with her.

Thank you

yes, if your instinct is telling you that something is off - it's off.

A straight approach to you both would have been a letter of (perhaps cautious) explanation of why she had not been involved before and answered your letters, calls etc. An expression of regret and a hope that perhaps the less-than-good relationship so far could be mended and some good wishes would have been an honest way forward.

By ignoring the efforts you have made, and worse, by giving the impressoin that she doesnt know where you live and that you have not tried at all, she is deliberately trying to mislead your son into thinking that you have been mean and that she really wants closer contact with him. Her actual actoins where she does not really listen to him tend to show that she would, to put it mildly, struggle to really communicate and build a bond with him.

Trying repeatedly to get him to a school near her without discussing it with you is plain hostile (as well as stupid - as if you would send your son to a school far from you near a woman who is so unpleasant to you!).

I do think you need to gently point these inconsistencies out to your son becuase it's a valuable skill, to be able to observe the dissonance between words and actions and to really see what someone is actually getting it. its really unnecessary with people of goodwill, but I'm afraid that your ex MIL is not one and teaching your son to observe people is quite a valuable skill. It doesnt need to be done in a malicious way, simply saying that these things don't add up and asking him why he thinks that she is doing things this way should be enough to get him really thinking.

Lady it was awful at the time, but I posted on stately homes for some hand holding, we got through. Luckily it was a couple of days before christmas so ds and I only had a couple of days before school broke up so could be together.

At the time we spoke about it, our feelings and I made it clear that ALL our feelings, no matter how scary at tie time, we're valid. We won't see any of my family again, we're comfortable with that.

They made going No Contact easy. I don't care if we get cut out of any money, they're free to do what they want with it. Anything from them comes at a price i'm not prepared to pay.

Listen to your instincts,

I've spoken to ds and he thinks there's something odd with her card too. He's said it's all about her, which I've said above (he doesn't know I've posted about this one here so he hasn't read it). He doesn't know whether to contact her or not.

Have to go, he's just finished on the loo.

Thank you for the replies. I get you, PreciousBane

If in doubt, best to do nowt... :)

Tempting. Ds's father actually sent him a card (it was late, again), so ds could email him to say 'thank you' and ask him to thank 'granny' for hers?

He knows that our address is correct, I've spent the last year taking him to court and it's been on all of his paperwork. If she was sooo unsure she could have asked him. She wouldn't give me his address though (thank you, Google)

Good grief! there is no requirement to email a thanks for a (late) card.

I think if your ds stops bothering too, there's a chance his dad might actually step up, if he doesn't then there's no change/loss is there?

Oh, there is. They are nuts demanding. This is a bloke who didn't contact ds for 6 months because ds corrected his grammar in an email. He's also the bloke who stopped paying maintenance because he didn't think I was grateful (seriously). He didn't send ds so much as a card for Christmas and he owes me 2k in maintenance arrears from when he stopped paying. It's no huge loss TBH, ds should do the right thing though.