Contact with an ex

[Perplexing]

I recently emailed an ex who I tracked down via a social networking site, just a friendly email to say 'hi how are you, how is life treating you...' - fairly normal type of thing. We parted on good terms several years ago as he didn't want commitment.

I liked him (as a friend) he was (is) a nice guy, good company and caring.... (just couldn't offer what I wanted at the time). He obviously kept my mobile number ( I deleted his) and has since texted me daily saying he would like to meet and catch up... been quite persistent!

I am a little confused about motives. It feels a bit OTT for just wanting to catch up with a friend (especially given his past style)... Any thoughts on the best way to handle..?

What were your motives for tracking him down and sending him an e-mail? You sound very naïve because it's clear he's holding a torch and/or thinks it was an invitation to pick up where you left off. The expression is 'let sleeping dogs lie' and seeing as you've poked this one and woken it up good and proper, you're going to have to let him down and not so gently. Think twice about doing this kind of thing another time.

My motives were to reconnect in a friendly way. He knew I had moved on. Far from holding a torch for me, if anything it was the other way around! He was fine with ending the relationship, he didn't want commitment, he was happy to remain friends. As I had moved on and had another relationship we dropped contact as 'friends' but I now thought it would be nice to get in touch again. I don't see the need for the tbh. However thank you for taking the time to give your thoughts.

Does no-one manage to stay friends (and only friends) with their ex's?

Does no-one manage to stay friends (and only friends) with their ex's?

It's very rare TBH.

He may feel you're the one that got away, regret being a commitment phobe at the time, and be very keen to take up where you left off. HE may be a needy PITA. He may have got recently dumped and be desperate to reel you in to show how he's already 'moved on'. Who knows? I think it's fair to say that whatever his motives, he doesn't want a nice casual friendship with you. Even if he no longer wants anything sexual, the persistence of texting should be ringing warning bells, just as it should for a more recently acquired female friend.

So I don't think you can have a friendship with him, no. How you handle that is up to you. Personally, I would probably just let it fizzle out by never fixing a date and taking longer to reply. That would be rude in an already established friendship, but can be considered letting him down gently under these circumstances. He'll get the message and can disappear gracefully.

Men are simple creatures when it comes to women. Email out of the blue from ex gf could very well be interpreted as shag for old times sake potential!

So Maleview, do you reckon he only contacted me on the off-chance of a shag? Is there no possibility he wanted to meet as friends...which was the tone of my message? It's been 20+ years, still I can't fathom the male mind.

At least it shows his interest in you although he does seem quite keen but maybe that's a good thing?

If he'd wanted to meet as friends he'd have stayed friends. What's the point of being friends with your exes other than the chance of a quick no strings shag for old times' sake? You don't know about cars or Chelsea and you aren't shagging him so what's the point?

So he wants a shaaag and you encouraged him. He's a bit thick, I'm intuiting, else he'd have realised that looking needy isn't attractive and that he's being blanked.

I've got an "ex" who's in fact a former FB and I think I'd interpret any such inquiry now as exploring the possibility of a shag. There could be no other reason to be in touch.

Thevictorian, tbh I never stopped caring about him but had just (out of necessity) ruled out any possibility of being together as a 'couple'... The fact that he is seeming keen now (too late) is messing with my head!

Apocalypto, you speak sense...

Perplexing you could always meet up in a public place and talk together then after a couple of meet ups, see where you want things to go from there (that's what i would do, as it gives you the option of taking things further or not once you have established what you are both looking for eg just friends or friendship leading to a relationship)

Hope that helps.

Apocalypto or he could now realise what a lovely person the op was and now hes got a second chance he could be looking to rekindle things.

The Victorian, yes I think I would like to meet with him in public, daytime, coffee, light touch kind of thing. I would just like to see him again. Might also be easier to gauge things face to face, IME men are bad at texting...

I know it is possible to be friends with an ex, not easy but absolutely possible.

All you have to do is make sure you're both on the same page. Meeting for afternoon coffee sets expectations, then manage those expectations either by confronting the issue directly in regards to the persistent texting or indirectly by behaving like a friend, talk about the present and the future rather than your combined past. If your ex makes an inappropriate move (let's face it many a torrid affair started with afternoon coffee) deal with it as you would any other unwelcome advance.

On the other hand if it is a welcome advance.... Enjoy.

Op you don't mention anywhere what your current relationship status is