Supporting a partner who is depressed

[fuzzytree]

In short, my partner probably has a lot to be depressed about - he is a widower, left with full time care of 2 primary school-aged children, found out his marriage wasn't what he thought it was after he was bereaved, had to give up his career which he loved and worked so hard for.

When I met him, he seemed to have overcome a lot of his problems and was in a positive mindset about the future, about what he wanted to achieve and what made him happy. We had a loving, happy, fun relationship for a year and a half, and the kids and I had forged a caring relationship too. We had a lot of hopes and plans for a future together as a family. But since the start of this year he has hit rock bottom.

I just don't know how to be supportive when I am struggling myself. He is so completely different to the man that I met and fell in love with. He keeps saying he needs 'time on his own' (we are long distance so he just stops texting / calling / says he doesn't want me to go to his house at weekends). So there will be a period of a week or two where we don't speak at all, then he will get in touch with some kind of revelation. So far the varieties have been:

a) he wants to break up
b) he wants to get married, took me shopping to look at engagement rings
c) he wants to move him and the kids up to where I am by the end of the year, and I should tell my landlord that I don't want another year-long contract
d) he wants me to give up my career here and come down to him for a year to see how things go

I understand he is confused, depressed, doesn't know what he wants anymore or what will make him happy. But emotionally I'm a mess - I never know what he is going to say to me next, never know whether the man I talk to will be my old loving caring partner or his new depressed self who at times is so cold. It's got to the point where, if I have an important day ahead, I will just turn off my phone in the evening because I'm too scared of him rocking the boat and of being hurt.

How do I support him? Do I even support him, or does it sound like he would be better on his own? It's so hard to let go of someone I adore so much, and that's not even counting the lovely children, but it seems that the man I loved isn't here anymore.

"I paint him in an entirely positive light so they know nothing about anything of this."

That's part of the trap created by this kind of emotionally heavy-duty person. You spend so long defending them, making excuses and painting them in a good light that a) you start to believe your own spin and b) you're reluctant to admit you got it wrong after all.

I am married to someone with depression (diagnosed) - I don't recognise much if any of the behaviour you describe.

Depression doesn't change basic character to that extent.

Agree.

Cogito has given good advice.

take control and tell him you want ti end things as you are unhappy in this relationship. Good luck

Thanks.
What on earth do I say / do with the kids - do I actually say goodbye or make sure they are at school when I go to collect my things?

You need to end things. He isn't really your partner, he has refused to commit and so you aren't in a position to support him - he won't let you.

My DH suffers with depression and he has not turned into this blowing hot/cold type of person - he is still himself, only with depression (and he is much better now he is on ADs). Supporting him has been very, very hard and I'm not done yet - for you it is impossible and you should not try. Walk away, you deserve better than this.

That's a difficult one.

What do you want to do . Say goodbye? I think I would talk to them away from him though . They will be fine . Be careful he doesn't bad mouth you to them though.

Sorry OP, you don't deserve any of that, I know he's had a hard time but that still does not excuse his nasty behaviour towards you and he's also on a dating site, what more can he do to let you know he certainly isn't serious about you two, he calls all the shots, what about what you want and need, I don't think you need a man that goes hot and cold and takes his modes out on. You should get out there and look for someone who isn't going to use you as an emotional punch bag.

I feel like a bit of an idiot.

As for the kids - I genuinely don't know. They latched onto me so quickly and see me as their future new mummy. They always talk about when me and their dad will get married, when we will live together, what we will all do together in the future. Argh.

How old are the children? I'm guessing between 8 and 12 from the timelines you've mentioned? They're really his responsibility to talk to, of course, and there's not a lot you can do about childish fantasies of weddings etc. Unlike separating couples, you're not going to have anything to do with them in future. If you get the opportunity perhaps you could say that you'll always think of them fondly? Leave it at that

8 and 10. I guess I'll just see what happens.

It's hard to move on fuzzytree especially when you have memories of happier times together. And it's easy to attribute shitty behaviour to other things e.g. bereavement, depression. That may be part and parcel of it all but as others have said, it does not excuse his behaviour in this case. Be prepared for him to accuse you of not being supportive, not being understanding, leaving him and his kids because he is unwell - that is all part of the manipulation and it sounds like it might have worked in the past. Be strong if you can.