What do I tell my son?

[rita68]

His father and I split up around 2 years ago. One year ago his father moved out. His father has generally been good about seeing him, although there is no formal agreement in place about when and how, because we were never married although we were together for 20 years.

However, his father is also quite a difficult man and takes immediate and drastic offence to things and has done throughout our relationship.

Recently, he came to collect our son (aged 9) and our son was also being a bit difficult and refused to come out of the house (he does love his father and this is the first time he's done that and I think he just didn't realise how badly his father would take it). So after trying to cajole our son to come out, and him refusing, I came out of the house and spoke to his father and explained that ds wouldn't come out, so would he, his father, please come in. His father refused and stalked off, and hasn't been in touch since. This was a month ago.

I know his father very well, and I know that he will be more than capable of keeping up this non contact for months, if not years, if not forever.

It is ds's birthday towards the end of this month. I have tried phoning his father, but had no answer, and have texted, but no replies.

What do I do? I have a feeling that we may get no contact on ds's birthday either. I plan to write a card saying "Love from Mum and Dad" but what after that? How do I explain to ds that we may never hear from his father again without him feeling massively rejected?

I don't think ds has connected the lack of contact with the day he didn't come out of the house.

I wondered how any of you had explained it to your dcs if their father lost all contact with them? I need to do the best I can to make it as painless as possible.....

Thank you - desperately need some help with this.

No to the card. You can't assume responsibility for your ExH's behaviours.

I am sure your DS is fairly well aware that his dad has not contacted him and is acting strangely. Any feelings of rejection are there already. Don't insult him, or put yourself in the Silly Seat by trying to explain the inexplicable.

All you can do is tell him the truth, without even hinting that his own action may have caused exH to act this way. That is not fair on DS and again, would be putting yoruself in the Silly Seat, this time for being the bitch that makes things his fault. You'd never forgive yourself.

You can only, honestly say you do not know why, but his dad has not been in touch.

Did you find out shy DS didn't want to leave the house that day? It might be that DS has made a choice for himself.

I hope that makes some sense.

I agree with Nomama. The card is from you and you're not responsible for your ex's behaviour. Your ds will be aware what he's like so don't make excuses for him or lie for him.

My ex is exactly the same and has very little contact with ds. There was no Christmas card and it was ds's birthday yesterday and we've not heard from him. He refused to speak to ds for 6 months because ds corrected his grammar (very mature), and he didn't see ds for 3 years after he moved away. All I can do is tell ds that he's loved and wanted but I can't make excuses for his father as it will never end and it will break the trust that ds has in me if I lie to him about this.

I think the relationship your ex has with his son is entirely down to him. You don't have to apologise or explain your ex's behaviour to DS. In fact, you can't explain it because you don't actually know the reason why he's dropped contact. Anything you said would therefore be a bit of a guess or risk being inaccurate.

If DS asks why Dad hasn't been in touch therefore, be honest and tell him that you don't know why.

BTW... even though you weren't married, there is nothing to stop you setting up a formal contact order. Does your ex pay maintenance?

I think you're coming at this from totally the wrong perspective, actually. Your post reads like you're still treading on eggshells trying not to upset him.

You said "...I think he just didn't realise how badly his father would take it..." - thing is, this is very NORMAL behaviour from a 9 year old. It isn't your DS' responsibility to pussyfoot around his father's delicate feelings all the time. OK it's hurtful when our DCs stamp on our feelings, and we want them to be empathetic and consider others, but he's nine! Your ex is the adult, he needs to just cope with that kind of thing. I'm glad that you say DS doesn't seem to connect the two because he should not be led to think that this is his fault. It isn't - his father is doing this for effect.

If it wasn't DS refusing to come out some time it would have been a missed phone call or a misspelled birthday card or a one off comment. His going off in a huff is just a return to form and he will be loving the fact that you're agonising over it, loving the fact that everything is revolving around him/the lack of him, basically, it's nothing to do with any actual offence, it's just HIM throwing a tantrum.

TBH, your DS is 9 so there's a limit to the amount of excuse making you can do. I think you just have to be honest and say that you don't know where he is and you can't get hold of him so you don't know when he will be back and you're sorry about the situation and just be there to deal with the fall out. :( Tough but I don't think you can or should lie for him any more.

Your ex is withdrawing contact as a way to punish your son. That's very, very, very wrong IMO.

Let your ExH show his true colours, you can be there for your son, and remind him that he'd be justified in being angry, hurt, disappointed or whatever he feels, but that his father's choices are his alone and reflect only on him, not on DS.