New relationship and narc mum

[Mynarcmumandnewdh]

My mum has always been difficult. She has few friends, and I'm an only child. All though my life I've never been good enough, never thin enough, clever enough etc. all the little barbed comments- yes it's nice but that colour does nothing for you. It would look better if you were thinner, those kids of yours need a good smack, your hair looks dead, like straw, if I was you I'd do x y z .
It has gone on forever and become our normal. My marraige suffered because of it. She kept telling me to leave him, and i did, ( it was the right thing to do, no regrets) then when I did, guess what? I should have stayed. Can't do right for doing wrong.
Now I'm 2 years separated, have met someone else, he's seen the way she behaves with me, and says we needs stand up to her.
My new partner is my soulmate, we've been together a year. We are talking about moving in . She will flip. He has a son, who she vaguely knows, and last night declared she hated him. She hasn't really ever spoken to this poor kid.
We are going away the 2 of us, in June, he paid as a treat all inclusive to Mexico. My kids are already away with their dad. So last night she says I shouldn't be going, in case something happens to one of my kids....
Oh and - its not fair they can't come here anymore as partner is here every other weekend....
I don't want to hurt her, she's 76, and only lives 2 miles away. They moved from 200 miles away to be closer to me 7 years go.
How can I manage her without cutting her off?
I won't let her spoil my new relationship, and tell me what to do. I'm 42! If we want to move in together we will. I feel I already wasted 12 years with the wrong man.
Sorry for the long post ......

New dh should read new dp

It is NOT your fault she is like this. You did not make her this way.

You write that you do not want to hurt her but she has never ever given you that consideration. She has never apologised to you nor taken any responsibility for her actions. It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist. You mention "they" in terms of moving closer to you, is your Dad still in your life at all?. All such women need a willing enabler to help them.

Narcissists are not at all easy to manage and you may well find that you cannot do so. You need to put distance both physical and emotional between you. She made the move deliberately to be nearer to you because nearness gives her that control over you. Narcissists make for being terrible parents to their children and deplorable grandparents as well.

It's very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist. Except for odd spells of heady euphoria unrelated to anything you can see, their affective range is mediocre-fake-normal to hell-on-Earth. They will sometimes lie low and be quiet, actually passive and dependent -- this is as good as it gets with narcissists. They are incapable of loving conduct towards anyone or anything, so they do not have the capacity for simple pleasure, beyond the satisfaction of bodily needs. There is only one way to please a narcissist (and it won't please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. There's only one way to get decent treatment from narcissists: keep your distance. They can be pretty nice, even charming, flirtatious, and seductive, to strangers, and will flatter you shamelessly if they want something from you. When you attempt to get close to them in a normal way, they feel you are putting emotional pressure on them and they withdraw because you're too demanding. They can be positively fawning and solicitous as long as they're afraid of you, which is not most people's idea of a real fun relationship.

Reduce all forms of contact with her over a period of weeks, do this gradually. If you allow her an "in" or tell her anything at all she will continue to try and muck up your current relationship with this man. She does not want you to be happy and has no interest in you whatsoever, she just wants you to be an extension of her; that is your role in her eyes.

If you really cannot bring yourself to cutting her off (and her age is really irrelevant here) then I would suggest you start maintaining and reinforcing boundaries re her. Your mother trained you from childhood to serve her; you have likely spent periods of your life wondering just exactly who the hell you are because you really have no identity of your own. You may find that your mother will ride roughshod over any boundary you care to set which will make the decision to go no contact that bit easier.

I would suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic mothers and read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

I know how difficult the narc mum is but you have to stand up to her. She will act distressed but it is only like a toddler not getting its own way. This relationship sounds good which is a big threat to dm so she will do what she can to ruin it. You have to learn to not let what she says affect you- if she is like mine, she uses words to manipulate and you have to ignore. I have found that standing up to her and implying that if she isn't on best behaviour she won't see my dd (the love if her life) means she stops the controlling behaviour. Don't let her ruin any more of your life- you are an adult!!!!

Brilliant post ^

If it helps, I understand; my DM would dispose of all my friends/men in my life if she could. But, it's not about what my DM needs, so I ignore the sly remarks, blatant advice by brushing it aside with breezy comments and never tell her anything that will give her ammunition.

You clearly understand your DM so anything she says will be expected. I treat the comments as a sort of bingo game - wait for it, here comes the next one, you can hear her brain ticking over on the phone!

Attila- that's it. I'm not sure she really knows the real me as I've tied myself up in knots trying to be what she expects. I've been reading some of the post on here- and even the golden grandchild applies. The unchosen grandson can do nothing right. If chosen grandson punches unchosen, ill tell the one who punched off- it's never ok to hit. But she will blame the other one.
I'm worried as well that I will turn out like her. Even my dcs know to control what they tell her. I find myself saying things like - put a coat on, grandma will be cross with me if she sees you without a coat- even if I think they don't need one ...

Im afraid that you are most likely going to have to make a choice. her or him.

This dripping nastiness will undercut your relationship and leech the joy and pleasure out of it, as I'm sure happened the first time.

The best way to deal with it? if you can't cut off from her as attilla recommends (and I do see that you don't want to hurt her, though I'm not sure she feels the same way where you are concerned) then I think your partner's advice is best. Stand up to her.

How do you do this? Well, the overall likely events will be that you and yoru DP challenge her on the nasty stuff and then I guarentee there will be storms. She won't like it one little bit. But in the end she will either adjust to the new status quo or withdraw a bit.

You are going to have to do this if you wish to choose your partner over her. I am not convinced she truly has your happiness at heart, but he claerly does and he sounds sensible.

How to do it?

1. communicate everything with your DP. everything. United front at all times, even if you fall apart later.

2. Calmly and quietly challenge her if she starts making nasty comments. Don't let her get away with making disparaging comments about him or his poor son. She won't like it, be prepared for it, but it is necessary. It's not right for her to be dissing them. Choose for them.

3. Talk with yoru partner about how she is likely to react to you or him standing up to her. Plan how to handle that ahead of time. Being taken off guard, it's really easy to either react emotionally or to let it go, neither of which are the best options with nasty comments. Calm challenging, and then saying "alright, when you are willing to keep those comments to yourself then we can talk again, but I'll go home for now", are the best way.

4. If you need to, allow your DP to take the lead in challenging her at first. Observe how he does it. Learn from him. He doesnt have the decades of history with her that you do and can handle it from a less involved perspective, which can help a lot.

5. give yoruself time to be sad over the fact that you don't have a loving mother the way you should have.

Good luck. You have storms ahead but you are definitely doing the right thing.

from yoru post above, it sounds like you spend a lot of time pleasing her at the expense of being your true self. At least your DP accepts you.

I don't think you will ever win with her. She'll always move the goalposts. I think that's because she isnt really interested in yoru happiness, only in spreading a low grade misery interspersed with bouts of higher grade unhappiness (advising you to leave your prev husband, then telling you you shouldn't have?! )

Sorry, attilla did not actually advise cutting her off entirely, I wasn't reading properly . Agree with a lot of what she wrote, especially about her being too dangerous for your children. She's likely to be awful to your son's partner, at a guess. It would be horrible for him to be the always-left-out kid :/

Hi mynarcmum,

re your comment:-

"Attila- that's it. I'm not sure she really knows the real me as I've tied myself up in knots trying to be what she expects. I've been reading some of the post on here- and even the golden grandchild applies. The unchosen grandson can do nothing right. If chosen grandson punches unchosen, ill tell the one who punched off- it's never ok to hit. But she will blame the other one.
I'm worried as well that I will turn out like her. Even my dcs know to control what they tell her. I find myself saying things like - put a coat on, grandma will be cross with me if she sees you without a coat- even if I think they don't need one ..."

I do not think your mother is actually interested in knowing who the real you is because she just wants you to serve her and be there for her every second. She wants to control you by having you serve her needs constantly.

Narcissists do make for being deplorably bad as grandparents as well so please, please keep her well away from any children you have. They do NOT need a narcissist for a grandmother. You are already seeing how she is behaving around grandchildren; she will play them off against each other and have a "golden child" and "scapegoat" dynamic going on. It will and does really mess people up.

And no, you will NOT turn out like her because you know that this treatment is wrong. If anything the comments you say sometimes to your children are as a result of being still fearful of your mother and still on some level wanting her approval/validation. Something actually that she will never give you. You are not narcissistic in terms of personality because you have qualities that your mother does not have; empathy and insight. Your mother also after all made the terrible choice not to love.