Looking for a bit of impartial advice. .

[lalah7]

Hello, I'm a long time lurker looking for an outside perspective. Bit of a long story (aren't they all?!) but I'll try to keep it brief.
DP (33) and I (30) have been together around 7 years. We have 2 DDs, 5 and 18 months. When DD1 was around 18 months DP announced out of the blue that "he couldn't handle family life" and he was leaving. As I say, this was completely out of the blue, it transpired that he had PTSD following a 9 year stint in the army and 2 tours in Iraq (he's no longer in the forces). He had counselling, we lived separately, but still as a couple for around 6 months then he moved back in.
Were doing well, had our ups and downs, but he was much more open and it seemed we were back on track. So much so we decided to try for another baby and DD2 arrived
Last summer the shit well and truly hit the fan. He'd been really cagey about things and I was worrying he was getting ill again. I went digging one day while he was at work. Found various payday loan payments on his bank statement and that he wasn't paying the rent . His pay was being swiped every month by the payday loans and he was basically borrowing his wages again to keep afloat. Phoned the landlord, he hadn't paid for 2 months and had been intercepting the letters, arranged a repayment plan. I was waiting with his bank statement when he got home from work. Apparently he had taken a payday loan for the deposit on a flat when he left for 6 months and it spiralled from there. He was really apologetic and said he was relieved I now knew what was going on. I was livid! He had essentially lied to me for years and risked our daughters home due to not being able to talk about things.
I'm not painting a good picture but I feel I must say he is a lovely guy, hardworking, a loving dad. He rarely goes out and we share a laptop so I didn't believe gambling or drugs were the problem. I believed that he had gotten into a mess and helped him sort it out, I had to write down what he should say to the loan companies to freeze interest and arrange affordable repayments.
We've been working on building trust since. I'm still hurt that he hid this from me for so long.
Thanks for staying with me so far..nearly done.
Fast forward to today. I was wakened at 7am by a baliff [shocked] asking for him, he was already at work and the guy wouldn't discuss with me. It transpires he had taken a logbook loan against one of our cars and had missed payments. I feel like such a mug, I transferred ownership of the car to him in august when I got my new car and he basically took this loan against it straight away. What an idiot I am!
I feel so betrayed. Am I right in thinking our relationship is over? I think I will struggle to trust him. I can't believe a word he says! But....I don't want to break up our family, the girls and I love him and I do believe he loves us.
Any words of wisdom are welcome...

I've no first hand experience of this but I do know of a number of couples whereby one partner is unable to manage their own finances. One couple has a very similar background to you except their house did get repossessed, the DH did have PTSD from active service and who has had counselling etc and is now the responsible partner he used to be after a lot of tears, hardship and therapy. My other friends DH has not served in the forces and does not have PTSD but just cannot manage his finances to the point where my friend and her DH are now separated as she could not live with him due to the effect his financial instability had on their life.

I think the thing to do is to gt to the bottom of exactly what has happened and give yourself time to work out what you want to do, whether you want to invest any more energy in the relationship or not. I would suggest he moves out to give yourself the space to do this. No one should have this shock first thing of a morning, it is a form of financial abuse as he has lied to you and now the aftermath has landed at your door to deal with. Can you call him and get him to come home from work to talk it through?

Best of luck x

I read an interesting article about ex servicemen who have seen active service, and how their view of risk etc is different to everyone elses. It basically said that when you have been in a situation where you could die at anytime, things like bills, rent etc pale in comparison.

It sounds like he may have dealt with the PTSD in relation to how he feels but not in how he behaves.

Have you spoken to him about the logbook loan? Where did he say the money went or is it still on to payments for the pay day loans?

Thank you for your replies. X
I have asked him to go stay at him mums for a few days. He's here tonight but will phone her tomorrow to see if that's possible. I just feel I need some space to get my thoughts together.
He's not contactable at work. I need to text and wait for him to call me.
I do really feel for him. His service has screwed him up in some ways. Now I'm (maybe selfishly) thinking why should I need to pick up the pieces all the time?
I've never seen a penny of the money. He says any loans he has taken have been to clear off others.
Our money has always been very separate, on his instance. We each pay for certain houshold bills (proportionately as I now work part time since the children were born).
We were scheduled to visit family his weekend but we've had to cancel due to this turn of events. Eldest DD is so disappointed, as am I.
It's so interesting you have both heard of similar experiences. I wonder how often this goes on with ex-servicemen. There's very little support for them after discharge too

I'm not defending him, but the real villains are these usurers and the government that allows them to get away with it. They always make their loans sound so simple and attractive

Have you thought about contacting Veterans Aid? They are based in Victoria and are an amazing charity which provides support to men like your husband.

This is from their website:

Our members of staff are either veterans themselves or individuals with experience of working closely with the Armed Forces. Some have served on operations – e.g. in the Balkans, the Gulf Wars, and the Falklands – have worked in tri-Service environments and/or visited current theatres of operation like Afghanistan. Most have academic qualifications and between 2010-2013 VA’s CEO was a Senior Visiting Fellow in the Department of War Studies at Kings College, London.

www.veterans-aid.net/contact-us/

Not to detract from anyone else's replies my experience of hidden debts coming out of the woodwork didn't have a happy ending.

I still don't know where all the money went, I found out about debts in dribs and drabs over a long long time and got more and more ground down as time went on. ExDH seemed like such a good person - the best - but by the end of everything I had lost all faith in our time together as there had been so much deceit, not just financial it emerged.

I'm sure you will put yourself and your children's welfare first and take strength from MN if hard decisions are needed.

Good luck xx

I agree Mexican. I can completely understand how he has managed to get into this mess. I must have seemed like such a good idea at the time for him.
Thanks for the link Eastpoint I will have a look today.
That's what I'm worried about Isabeller. He has found it so easy to lie to me again and again for over 4 years, what else has he lied about?
When it all came out last year he said it was such a relief that I now knew and that there was no more. I thought that was the case until yesterday morning. .
On the bright side, I've been wakened by a cheeky 18month old and 5 year old this morning instead of the front door being banged by a baliff
The girls are my world and I need to do what's best for them..a lot of thinking for me to do today.

I think he probably feels hugely guilty over the money and of course he lied, he didn't want to get into trouble with you again - it's childish behaviour but understandable. However, if you want to carry on the relationship it should probably be under the basis that you are the one who looks after the money, he has lost the right to keep his finances private and his bad relationship with money is putting your family at risk.

debtcamel.co.uk/snapshot/his-hers-debt/

Have a read of the above.

I'm sorry but I think the PTSD is a bit of a red herring. There are a lot of 'lovely, hard working' people who bring years of misery & mistrust to their families by spending money they don't have and running up debts that they hide and/or expect others to pay for. My advice would be that you put yourself and your DCs first and foremost & separate yourself financially if not physically from this man.

I was thinking this last night. It's like he doesn't wasnt to get in trouble .
I don't want to keep blaming the army for his problems but I do think it's the root cause.
He signed up when he was 17, went straight from his parents' to there. Had accommodation, food etc provided, all he had to spend his money on was himself. He left, met me, and within a year we were expecting DD1.
I do have a tighter reign in the finances though not total control. He still pays certain bills but I get proof that they're paid every month.
I am not willing to make myself and my daughters homeless for the love of this man.

I. Not excusing what your DH has done but I do think that they leave the army really badly equipped to deal with life. I have known people sign up at 16/17 and them emerge in their 30's with no idea about how life actually works.
I have been in a position of running up large secret debt as well. Luckily we could afford the repayments and actually had the savings to pay them off once I confessed to my DH. Again no excuses but although now I realise I was damaging my marriage it never occurred to me at the time. My debts and my relationship were 2 entirely different things as far as I was concerned.
My point is that although what he has done is terrible and there is no excuse it doesn't mean he doesn't love or want you. You do need to take steps to protect yourself and your daughter I agree but please don't write him off entirely if you think you can find a way forward.

Hi

Please contact the royal British legion. They will definitely help him with his debt and will definitely ensure you and your daughters are not without a home. I'm certain of that.

They won't repeatedly bail him out though.

If the love is there I think yous can work through this. Keep your finances separate and take responsibility for the big things until such a time when he can sort himself out.