Why do i always have to make the first move?

[Somanybabyseagulls]

coz otherwise we wouldn't make up!!! Just started a thread called how can he do this to me but I can't find it!!! All over the place at the mo. Dh and I had huge bust up last night, I feel he doesn't support me emotionally re my depression (depression caused by events since we got together), I want him to help me but he just ignores me to the extent that he goes out, don't know where he is or when back, I feel that I have to grovel to find out what's going on and I have to make the first 'move'as it were to get us back on track. God, this is a waffle but I am just soooooo tired and sad.

So sorry you are so sad. Being tired doesn't help. Once you have made the first move does he take responsibility for any part of the bust up?

I find whenever we have a row, it is always me who has to make the first move too, and it annoys me but once I have instigated a discussion and pointed out the error of his ways (!) he will usually meet me half way and apologise for his bit. Sometimes it takes a while...

I don't know your history, but have you tried counselling? And what medication are you on?

Thanks for reply pages. No he doesn't take responsibility, he ignores it so it just festers and comes out again in another row. Have just rebooked counsellor, cancelled couple of weeks ago coz I just felt I was wasting her time, things piling up and not getting sorted. Stopped taking ads as I have come so close to o/ding, don't trust myself with them.

So I made the first move and text 'i miss u', his reply was 'nah'! This just feels impossible! I just want a hug and for him to tell me everything will be ok, that's all I want at the moment!

My dh doesn't support me emotionally either. I have had PND and dh's reaction is that I am grumpy and annoying and should snap out of it. He even told me he is not interested in emotional support.

He doesn't know what to do with things he can't fix or find a practical solution to. I find it hugely upsetting and things just keep on festering.

pppp, my dh is the same, doesn't know how to fix/help so leaves it. Have a look on Chat, a cry for help, vvv linked to her description of depression, it is amazing.

I think you have both identified the problem. I don't know if you have read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" but it says that men's solution to a problem is to need to fix it or find a practical solution to it and I think deep down your DH probably feels hugely. upset and guilty that he can't help you. It has taken me ages to work out that when DH is cold and unsupportive when I ask for his support and understanding during a row it is because he feels guilt and helplessness. He has even admitted that is what he feels once I have backed off a bit and let him "go into his cave".

It might be that your DH really cares for you but just has limitations on what he can cope with (sadly for you). I can't claim to have ever really suffered from depression but I think I was teetering on the edge of PND after DS2 was born and DH was really quite scathing at times - I was very upset by his "why can't you cope?" reaction. Fortunately I just got better by myself but I was amazed at how unable he seemed to support me.

I really think you have to get the help you need yourself (ie try counselling again) and just try and accept his inadequacies. Also, again, I've never taken ads but I know quite a lot about them from a professional viewpoint and some are worse than others especially when you withdraw suddenly - do you mind saying what you were taking?

Sorry if this is in any way making assumptions, haven't yet had time to look at the thread you referred to, and don't know you too well but sincerely feel for you and wanted to say so.

Thanks pages. Know the basic idea of Mars and Venus, but I seriously don't think that a few supportive words and a hug is too much to ask considering it's being with him and the assorted baggage that has put me here. I know that sounds bolshy but it makes me so angry/hurt/upset that he won't/can't do it.

Was on Citalopram till about month ago.

My partner can sometimes completely not see that I'm miserable - and I have the most giveaway face that you can imagine. I used to feel hurt and neglected if he hadn't 'figured it out' and approached me with a hug or just a simple 'are you ok?' - but that is the way he is.

Now if I'm feeling something, I say so. This weekend I thought I was going early into labour and got quite frightened and nervous, he was playing his guitar and I had to ask him to stop playing while I told him what was going on. He continued to sit with the guitar as if he was going to keep playing once I'd stopped talking. So I said ' I feel frightened and a bit shakey and I need your help' and when he actually said 'what do you want me to do?' I had to spell it out - "ok, I want you to put that guitar down, come over and give me a hug, ask if I'm ok and if there is anything you can do to help" - and he did it.

I think a lot of men are not always emotionally in tune with what is going on. But they all respond quite well to direct instructions at times.

How awful for you sleepfinder having to spell it out to him. Hope you and baby are ok.

Actually, I think what sleepfinder has done is brilliant! Honestly, sometimes you just do have to spell it out and waiting for them to work it out might mean waiting for ever. Why not just ask directly for what you want? Would that work with your DH Somany...? You are right of course, that a few supportive words and a hug is not too much to ask at all. But I do find there are times when DH seems able to give that and times when I just have to go away and get support elsewhere...

Did you come of the asds suddenly? Have you seen your GP lately? Just worried that you are not getting any help for your depression.

Pages, have spelled it out sooooo many times it's now like same shit, different day! Came off ads v quickly, too many scares. Got back in touch with counsellor for appt so will see what happens. Have no support locally, recently moved, don't know anyone (but that's yet another story!). Txt dh a kiss but he's ignoring me!

He'll come round. Maybe he just needs more time than you. Sounds like a lot of stress factors for you atm? Are you able to try and get a bit of sleep and let things be for now? (I know easier said than done). That's good about the counselling.

Sorry you are feeling like crap atm. Take care x

Can 't sleep at mo, really bad palpitations. Had continued stress events for last two years, just have had enough. Thanks for all your advice/kind words pages x

Sorry had sickness bug for last 24 hours. Can't write much but hope you are okay.

Sorry to hear things feel so frustrating at the moment. My other half is a bit like that emotionally and I have to say I've had to get like sleepfinder or I would have had to leave him!! Unfortunately dp hasn't had the same emotionally responsive family in his life that I have and has been very isolated because of it. He's not outwardly affectionate and finds that type of thing hard to do/accept. he also finds it really hard to do the feelings thing. Has your dh had a similar background - do you think perhaps he has his own issues to deal with and if he did whether he'd ever take the step to do so? Mine didn't do anything massive but it all came tumbling out one night and that did seem to make things a little better.

Really think that dp has problems of his own but he wouldn't get help, he is way too blokey. Have been to my gp, back on ads, pushed for counselling appt. Am also trying to get my head round the fact that dh is never going to support me with my depression so i need to look elsewhere and although he hates me discussing personal stuff with anyone, he will have to accept that if he won't help me this is what I have to do.

I just want some support, attention and affection, possibly too much to ask but considering i'm in this mess because of being with him then at least he could make the effort.

Well done for sorting things yourself. I do think that there are times when you just have to accept your OH won't/can't be as supportive as you would like in certain situations and you have taken the right steps. Do you have any good close friends too? You are right that if he won't listen or give you the support you need that you have to seek help elsewhere - he can't have it both ways. Are you able to reveal what has happened to lead to your depression? You seem a bit better than you were the other night, glad you are ok x

Thanks for thinking of me pages. Councellor rang today and got appt for next Thursday. Depression been caused by so many things over the last two years, briefly taking on dps 3 children when ex wife killed herself drink driving on a saturday morning - consequently hounded and harrased by her family - my ex husband stalking me - dps eldest needing liver transplant (only had days to live) - 18months of liver rejection - two house moves in two years - and the usual grind of being a wife and mother. I have to let go of the thought the without dp none of this would be happening to me so he owes me some support, but it's not easy!

Meant to add that once again im making all the moves and he has suggested we go out tonight!

B**y hell Somanybaby...! No wonder you have ended up with depression! You have really been through the mill and what a fantasic support YOU have been to DP and his children. But the stress is inevitably going to have taken its toll on you.

My immediate reaction to what you have told me is that your DP is overwhelmed a) by his own feelings as to what has happened re his ex and kids and the stress of a situation happening upon him with no planning or discussion and b) with guilt at the strain it has put on you for the same reasons - but that he is too blokey to acknowledge all this even to himself.

You may have to be the big one and make the first moves when you fall out(maybe he is deep down scared of you rejecting him and has to see you doing the running to feel safe?)but he is the one who has suggested a night out. Go and have some fun! I would tell him you ARE depressed, but that you appreciate he is not up to supporting you through it so you have sought help elsewhere. You need to do this to get better, which surely he wants? Then show him you can have a nice time together and that it doesn't have to always be stressful. And then go to your counselling and get the support you need. Remind him it is all confidential. And try not to make him feel guilty - it IS because of his ex wife that this has happened but he didn't ask for it any more than you did. He must be harbouring an awful lot of guilty feelings about his ex and about you as it is.

I too am going to counselling at present and it is really helping. I rarely tell DH about it. (He didn't want me to go until I reminded him it would be help for me at the same time as less of a burden on him). It can be your own private thing for you, a way to offload if nothing else and hopefully get some pointers as to how to cope better with the immense responsibility that has suddenly landed without warning on your lap.
I have a feeling that once you are stronger and more self-reliant and need him a bit less your DP will start making more of the moves with you, and wanting to give you more affection etc, it often seems to work that way.

How long have you and DP been together and do you and DP have any children together, btw?

Sorry if any of this sounds like I'm telling you what to do, of course you know best but hth. I'm sending you a big hug xx

Pages, you are so spot on, I'm actually going to print this out for when things are bad, it makes so much sense. Dp does feel guilty about me being like this and he is quite insecure and thinks I will find someone else (this is because we were childhood sweethearts but I left him for someone else, huge mistake). Weve been back together for about 2 1/2 years and got married in March. We don't have children together, we made the decision as we felt that there were enough children already and that it wouldn't be fair to them.

As for the counselling, like you I want to keep it to myself as my 'thing'. Glad to hear yours is going well.

Really really pleased it has helped. Your DH sounds a lot like mine tbh - he insecure for different reasons to yours but has behaved very much like your DH at times of stress. Unfortunately as seems the case with you, his behaviour sparks off my own insecure feelings, so its very important to take a step back and realise what he is really feeling may not be what it appears.

I hope things get a bit easier for you both soon - just think if you can get through all of this and stay together you have got one hell of a strong relationship. Childhood sweethearts - very sweet!