Stbxh and dd8

[pookyandponky]

Hi long time lurker. Not regular poster.
My dd8 after a few heavy handed incidents with stxh is refusing to go on holiday with him to see his parents next week.
I've phoned him but apparently he's trying his best... And all I do is criticise.
He wants to explain to her tomorrow but I feel like she is not old enough or strong enough to explain her worries.
Wwyd?
I'm tempted to explain her worries to toxic mil. But think this could be wrong.
Dd8 has already disclosed at school.

what are her worries ?

When you say heavy handed do you mean he hit her?

That he hurts her.
That he will be angry with her.
That he will take it out on her or me.
She's worried he will break my bones.

If she's likely to be too upset or nervous to talk to him face to face would she be able to write him a letter? I wouldn't force her to go away with someone who she's afraid of but I'd try to help them to sort things out. You're not criticising, you're trying to do your best for your DD, which is how it should be.

Does he actually hurt her though or does she think that he will?

I would second writing a letter.

Was/is he abusive?

He hurts her. Not sure he means to...
Physically moves her about.
Has slapped her legs on occasion.
I won't make her go.
The letter sounds like a good idea.
She has reported him to a teacher at school.

EA to me before I left.
Wouldn't let me have friends go out etc.

Good for her.

Poor kid must be terrified. I wouldn't make her talk to him, she'll be so anxious she'll just tell him what he wants to hear rather than what she wants. Whether he means to hurt her or not, there's no excuses. Sounds like he needs a damn good parenting course. Is it court ordered contact?

< for you for leaving.

An 8yo actually uses terms like "he will break your bones"

What has she been subjected to ?

No. Not court ordered at the moment. Agreement between us. Approved by court.
I'm so scared for her.
I don't want her to have to do what she doesn't want or to tell him what she feels she has to because she doesn't want to make him angry.

You need to tell her that this isn't about him, it's all about her and what she wants. Parent's don't have a right to see their child, a child has a right to see their parents as long as they want to. I think you need to support her and it's probably wise that you seek legal advice. There's something going on here, I'd be very concerned about him hitting her, the comments she's coming out with and about the fact that she 'doesn't want to make him angry'. There's something going on here and the quicker you can get her the right help and support the better. I really wouldn't send her to him at the moment. She needs you to stand up for her and to show her that she's being listened to.

Ring social services and speak to on duty social worker and explain your DD's concerns and what she's telling you about his behaviour towards her. I would think they will probably advise you to keep her safe and don't allow the contact at the moment.

Thank you all for your advice.
I have spoken to the duty social worker.
They were very helpful.
Dd has also spoken to child line.
She is going to have a supported conversation with him to air her concerns and obviously I won't make her go away with him.

Glad you've found some support and answers. Best of luck.

That's great, pooky

Huge hugs to you both. It must be so difficult

Well done, op

Good for you to supporting your DD. Don't let your STBXH spoil her relationship with you as well as ruining his own with her. It is absolutely vital that she feels she can trust one parent to love her, keep her safe and believe her.

TBH, while I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and would advise you to seek advice from both social services and a solicitor, in your shoes I would be questioning whether any contact, other than short-term and supervised, was in this little girl's best interests.

Well handled OP - I echo Dahlen's sentiments.