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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Adult work on Dh history

22 replies

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 20:34

Have just seen adult work on Dh internet history. As well as gay swap.

Most of what he was looking at is gay/ transsexual men.

I found some pretty dodgy porn about 18 months ago. We talked about it and I stupidly let him convince me it was just curiosity. Well I guess the curiosity has got the better of him.

What do I do now we have 2 dc 3.5 and 6 months.

I don't know if he has gone through with anything as I did a search and there is no other history just this one day. (Unless he has deleted of course!)

OP posts:

DippyDoohDahDay · 09/04/2014 20:54

Hi op. Sorry that you are here. Can't be any other rational explanation though, can there?

Original poster

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 21:08

No there can't. I just can't believe it. We had a row today and he said he thinks we should go to relate to try and sort out our 'issues'
That's why I was on the laptop.

I honestly don't know what to do now do I confront him or wait it out and try and get more info.

OP posts:

DippyDoohDahDay · 09/04/2014 21:18

Confront at relate?.. That way you have a third party to support you if he starts trying to undermine your logic?
What caused the row/ you to be on computer, anything relevant or not?

Original poster

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 21:29

I don't know I I could hold out that long. I'm not sure how I will even look at him!

The row started off over something very minor. He has been working shifts so not seen him much and it was stewing since Monday.
Things haven't been great between us lately but we have 2 young children and the youngest can be difficult sometimes. He complained that we bicker a lot and it's like we are just coexisting in the same house, I'm always tired etc
I innocently thought I would look into relate and just checked to see if he had looked anything up about it and there it was!

OP posts:

DippyDoohDahDay · 09/04/2014 21:36

I don't know if I could cope with that level of stuff either.
Get the dc babysat and sit down for a frank discussion then?
Did you foresee or have any suspicions?

Original poster

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 21:42

No I didn't. I did find some porn with gay/transgender content about 18 months ago and I stupidly swept it under the carpet and forgot about it. (I did confront him though)
I would be a fool to do that again!

Thank you for your reply dippy. I'm going to try and get some sleep and deal with it tomorrow x

OP posts:

Catrin · 09/04/2014 21:42

I found A work on ex.'s bank statements so started digging...he had been on it a lot seemingly, messaging people and the money was to watch them live.
It was the tip of the iceberg - once I found that and dug further, I hacked his emails and discovered all kinds. Then I hacked his phone and found umpteen texts to a woman who he was planning to move in with.
I am not suggesting yours is at that point, but the minute I looked at the Adult work website, my blood ran cold, literally I froze, as I knew there would be more, as that site is quite extreme.
For me it was the beginning of the end and I did not even know it was happening around me.

Sorry that isn't any help, but it is my experience of that bloody site. I do not connect it with anything good at all. I hope things go better for you.

Original poster

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 21:47

This is my fear catrin I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. I mean you don't just look for escorts on a whim do you!
I have looked at his email nothing there but I know he has a google account that I don't have access to. And his phone would probably make an interesting read it glued to his hand most of the time.

OP posts:

Catrin · 09/04/2014 21:52

AH yes, the phone was like Voldemort's sodding snake - i knew that was the bit I had to get to! Always with him and he was always on it. Lots of the stuff he looked at on the site was gay/trans, but although i have always thought he may be curious, I think it was only that. For him it was more about the "my wife is boring and dull and I need excitement".
I do hope you get some answers. When you look at that site it is like a cold sheet falls over you, as you realise the enormity of what they did. Exhs bank statements showed it was when I was asleep, or, worst one, the morning I sat holding my mother;s hand in the hospice as she died. Check statements and see if there is anything there. It is fairly smallish amounts, but his added up to over £700 some months!

Original poster

moanymandy · 09/04/2014 22:05

Oh god I'm sorry he did that to you when your dmum was so poorly what a shit!

I will have a good look for bank details all money is in joint account so shouldn't be too hard to trace if anything there.
You are so right with the 'my wife is boring I need excitement' part I can almost hear him say something along those lines to excuse himself

I just didn't see this coming.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2014 22:52

Oh lord op I know the feeling of icy horror that grips you when you find something like this. In my case it was also part of discovering a whole other pile of shit. In fact it turned out that his membership of one of these sites was the least of my worries. Sorry op. I think you need to keep digging. Good luck x

frogslegs35 · 09/04/2014 23:36

Not that you should have to op, as he's already fucked your trust, but keep digging and try to find more.
When you're armed with everything then confront him and do what you need to because at the moment he'll just try to worm his way out with excuses.
Good luck.

Original poster

moanymandy · 10/04/2014 08:35

Woke up to flowers this morning.

Not sure how to handle this for the best now. I don't want to show my hand to soon but I don't want to have to put on this big act like I'm trying to fix our marriage so I can get some more info when I think it's beyond fixing.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2014 08:47

Hmm. The thing is, I would bet my mortgage that he will deny and/or minimise if you confront him. "I was just looking. I was just curious. You shouldn't have been snooping." Etc etc etc. you know, the Script.

Original poster

moanymandy · 10/04/2014 09:20

Yes and I'm worried I will never find the truth as he will be more on guard. Think I'm going to have to wait this out.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2014 09:28

I don't envy you. I really don't. It's the most horrible feeling. I wish you all the best. Keep posting here. The support is fantastic. I wish I had posted when the shit hit the fan for me.

Jan45 · 10/04/2014 14:32

Sorry to hear this OP, it is indeed quite an extreme website for no strings sex.

As for the porn, you do not have to accept it as part of your relationship with him. Good luck.

Hairytoekerr01 · 12/04/2014 01:33

I would have a hard time wondering if my partner was attracted to other men. Not for me to be judgemental, but I think shutting off 50% of your sexuality is too much for anyone to commit too for life. Plus if transsexuals are involved that figure goes up to 75% of their sexuality!

Dirtybadger · 12/04/2014 01:46

Hairy he isn't shutting it off. I am attracted to women and men (including trans* men and women, or people who don't identify as any particular gender) but I can still have a monogamous happy relation with someone to the exclusion of the others. It's like someone who likes anal sex saying they can't have a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't like it. They can and they do. Or if you fancy men with dark hair and men with blonde hair, being unable to commit to one to the exclusion of the other.

Apologies OP for sidetracking thread but just thought I would remind pp of this.

I would be incredibly surprised if he's only had a quick gander. There is almost certainly more to it. Would you consider confronting him and asking for his phone? No phone = no wife. He may as well hand it over. Give him the opportunity to confess and then look. If there's nothing (unlikely), great. If there's somethingg he admits to- pretty shit. If he lies, won't let you have it or there is something massively incriminating then sending you strength!

Hairytoekerr01 · 12/04/2014 02:14

Badger I applaud you for this, but it seems by the original behaviour mentioned he feeling repressed in a way that you might not be.. I made an assumption which stated that having 4 genders of preference and only being able to touch one of them would be hard than having one gender of preference and being able to touch one of them from a monotony point of view. I stand by that as I believe gender differences are much more powerful sexual drivers than merely the colour of someone's hair air preference for a particular sexual act!

Original poster

moanymandy · 12/04/2014 09:05

Thank you both for your input.
I have been swaying between both tracks of thought and I really don't know what to think about it right now. It's not so much WHAT he was looking at but everything as a whole- and this isn't the first time he has done something similar.

I confronted him last night I couldn't find anything else on the computer and just couldn't hold it in anymore.

At first he got defensive and was pissed off I had been snooping again. He was very matter of fact said hesitant have an explanation and reason just that things aren't great between us and just bored I guess.

It wasn't until I told him to leave that his whole attitude changed I could see the panic on his face he didn't see it coming. Then the tears and sorrys started me and the boys are all he's got etc etc. He literally crumbled in front of me.

He told me that he has issues with sex. He have a very high sex drive and because we haven't been having much sex lately he is watching lots if porn and master bating a lot.

He eventually left but he really didn't want to.
There are some points that are bothering me- he wasn't sorry until I asked him to leave. And he honestly thought we would just work it out ie I would roll over and take it again.

And the intention to pay for sex was there although he said he's never gone through with it. And obviously the whole sexuality thing.

I asked him to log into the two email accounts but one I'm not convinced he showed it to me as he was faffing and had 'forgot' the password had to request a new one and I just suspect it wasn't the right one.

I also didn't get a look at his phone.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/04/2014 09:47

They always say they had no intention of going through with anything

They often do though, when the same feelings of monotony take over after a while of "just looking"

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