How do I go N.C with my dad?

[BeerHunter]

This is going to contain information that some might find upsetting.

I don't know where to start. There is so much to this but at the forefront of my mind is protecting my young DS.

I am feeling very distressed right now and don't know who to turn to. I have wrote down and deleted so many times what I need to say, as I just can't believe this is happening.

My brother tried to commit suicide when he was a teenager. Someone find him. When he came out of his coma, it transpired that he had sustained quite serious brain damage.

My brother would come out with a lot of things that weren't true. Things like how he got brain damage. It was confusion as the injury really cocked up his memory.

One of the things he said, was that my Dad sexually abused him. At the time I took it with a pinch of salt.

I have had a shit relationship with my father but he got in touch with me earlier in the year and asked if I would like to meet up. I agreed as I thought it would by nice for DS to meet his Grandad.

I didn't feel comfortable going there. He would put down my stepmum constantly. (He beat up my mum when they were together and when I was younger he hit my stepmum while we were there.) I also had a really uneasy feeling if him and DS went out of the room with him, so I kept following them.

DS and I were supposed to see my dad at the weekend but I really didn't want to go. I lied and said we were I'll, rearranged for next weekend and went and saw my lovely mum instead. When DS had gone off with his Dad. I asked my mum about the allegations my brother had made. It turns out that he had mentioned it a couple of times before his brain injury and whilst other stories have changed the allegations have remained consistent.

Basically I believe that my father sexually abused my brother. All the pieces of the puzzle fall into place now.He favoured my brother massively and would often take him out and not me.I don't ever want to see him again and I certainly don't want him anywhere near my son. How do I do this? I am supposed to be seeing him on Saturday. I don't know what to say or do. I am scared that my dad will harrass me. I don't know what to say to him. I feel terrible for my brother. His quality of life is shit. I can't stop imagining him as a scared little boy. I should have listened to him, I should have believed him. I am quite happy to never see my dad again but I don't know how to make things right with my brother.

I am devastated.

Either write or get someone else to talk to him. Don't get drawn in. Keep it simple and vague ( ie: we are not enjoying contact, don't want children to grow up thinking the abusive behaviour he has shown in the past and present is acceptable, thank you and good bye). Good luck x

On Friday, I would phone your father and make an excuse - tell him you're ill or whatever. It will buy you time to work out how you're going to go NC. Your father is not important in this. Your brother is.

Your brother has clearly wanted to talk about it over the years, and no doubt still does. I would talk to him, OP. Do a google search on supporting survivors of sexual abuse first, it might help you find the words. I wish my brother would talk to me about it - it would be a great relief.

You are not to blame for his quality of life, or anything else for that matter. You didn't do this - your father did.

Write to him - We won't be seeing you again and this is why. Inform all childcare arrangements to never allow your father to collect or have contact with kids. If he makes contact again tell him if he makes contact one more time you will put a restraining order on him. Follow that through. Get him out of your life asap, for good.

I want to tell him on Friday.

I am going to email him. I am then going to block his and stepmums numbers and emails. Fortunately he doesn't know my address.

My relationship with my brother is nonexistent. I was terribly upset when he tried to commit suicide. I took it personally as I couldn't understand how someone could do that. Now I know why. He lives in a secure unit, designed for people with brain injuries and his been there 13 years. His behavior is deeply upsetting and so, I found it easier not to go.

My brother died that day. He came out of his coma a completely different person. I have never grieved because he is still here in body. I hate my dad for what he has done. I thought I had come off worse because he made it very clear he didn't want me. Little did I know.

I chickened out. Made another excuse and now ignoring any further correspondence.

It isn't easy, OP. Did you manage to talk to your brother?

Thanks for replying man size. Haven't spoke to brother yet. I think it will take some time to build the relationship up again.

Keep getting texts from dad. Making me feel sick!!

Don't know whether I should send a dear john.

Was playing with my son earlier, with a toy that his grandad had bought him. Made me very sad that he loses out on paternal grandad and I miss out on a dad because he is a disgusting, warped piece of shit!!

Oh my god, OP I'm so sorry . First if all, none of this is your fault . You are innocent. I know you feel as if you have some sort of responsibility, but you really , really do not .

Send

Posted too soon

Send one message to your father . Tell him no more contact. If he persists call 101 and ask for advice. You do not need to explain anything to him. You believe your brother . So he will know exactly why.

Take the rest of it one day at a time. Be kind, both to your brother and yourself.

You need to tell him clearly that you don't want any more contact. Otherwise it's reasonable that he'll keep contacting you.

You say he only got in touch with you earlier this year and that he doesn't know your address which suggests that NC was the normal status up to now. It is relatively easy to go back to that status if you tell him very firmly to leave you alone now.

You aren't missing out on a Dad, incidentally. You have a biological father but, for the sake of your whole family (and I include your mother and brother), you are very sensibly opting to reject him.

Your DS isn't missing out on a Granddad either. Speaking as the grand-daughter of a violent, hate-filled woman who played no part in the 40 years that we coincided on the planet, I can tell you that at no time have I ever felt that I missed out.