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Original poster

I fell out with my friend and .....

17 replies

clumsymum · 21/08/2006 15:15

I've been friends with C since about 1982. Before I got married we went on holiday together, went out a lot, were best friends. After I got married 14 years ago we went out less, but still kept close in touch. C never married, and her job started to develop into a Career, taking her away on business alot.

After I had ds we had less and less in common, and I must admit that I occasionally got annoyed (not in front of her) cos she told me how I should be bringing him up. But I still counted her as a friend, and told her that she could always come round, (her office is in the same town as my home). 2 years ago I worked for a while near C's office, and said that I would arrange a lunch with her some time. But our diaries never seemed to match, and as I know C was never punctual, and I was always on a tight timescale, it never happened. I admit I didn't ring her for ages, but she didn't ring me either, and never dropped in as she had been invited etc.

Just before Christmas I rang her, to touch base (it had been several months) and I apologised for not ringing her, and she gave me a tirade of abuse about how I didn't care, took her friendship for granted and so on. I couldn't get a word in, and when she finally stopped I was gobsmacked, Didn't know what to say, just said a kind of "Right well if thats how you feel, I'd better say goodbye" and I put the phone down. and that was the last contact we had, last december.

Anyway my sister has now heard that C's mother is dying, and suggests I should ring her. But I have no idea what I would say to her. I have said that I may wait until her mother has gone, and send a letter in a condolences card.

What would you do? I'm not hard-hearted, just don't know what to do or say.

OP posts:
Callisto · 21/08/2006 15:38

Personally I would write her a letter, keep it short but offer a shoulder/support if she needs it. A condolence card after the fact may just piss her off even more. Good luck.

(and I thought she overreacted to your phone call too, btw - maybe she already knew her mum was dying?)

Ulysees · 21/08/2006 15:38

What do you feel in your heart? Do you miss your friend? If you really don't want her in your life then you have to make a decision either way.

I have friends I don't talk to for months but we don't blame each other once we do catch up. Sounds like there was something going on with her... depression maybe? She may even be jealous of your life? Anything could be going on? If you do ring and she's just the same then at least you tried.

Ulysees · 21/08/2006 15:42

Agree re condonlence card. Think that would be too late.

An ex mate of mine's mum just died and I texted her to say if she ever wanted to talk I was there. We are still on speaking terms just don't mix. Anyway she didn't reply which was better for me as I don't want to socialise with her anymore.

Original poster
clumsymum · 21/08/2006 16:18

I suppose you are right, I should write to her. Just don't know how to start I suppose.

I guess I should apologise for the hurt she feels (which is difficult because I don't know what I did particularly).

Thing is, if I write, and she rings to yell at me again (which is possible, she is a very .... erm .... 'strident' person) I might make things worse.

I finished up in tears last trime.

But I feel hard for not trying to heal things if she needs me.

Just remembered that she told me about losing another friendship while she was yelling at me in december. As she has grown older, she has become a little harder to be a friend to.

But if the roles were reversed, I suppose I'd like to be contacted.

OP posts:
CrocodileKate · 21/08/2006 16:21

If you feel that you have nothing to apologise for then don't.
Just leave that behind you and offer your support for her now.

Callisto · 21/08/2006 20:33

You beat me to it Croc, just what I was about to say.

Jimjams2 · 21/08/2006 20:35

I wouldn't apologise, this sounds like a case of her not realising what life with children is like. I would just stick to a short note saying why you are writing- life is too short and you hope that perhaps you can meet up again (if you want to). Or alternatively something along the lines - of just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you at this difficult time, please feel free to get in contact.

LieselVonTrapp · 21/08/2006 20:38

I would write to her just now, it wouldnt do any harm and she will know that even despite everything you are thinking of her at this time.

edam · 21/08/2006 20:44

I'd write a simple note saying you are very sorry to hear about her mum, is there anything you can do to help and to call if she feels like a chat. And leave it at that. Don't mention the row.

Tommy · 21/08/2006 20:47

feel for you clumsymum as something very similar has happened to me recently. I wrote card to my "friend" (we hadn't really been in touch for nearly 3 years except Xmas cards) just to let her know that I had heard the news (her husband had left her) and that I was sorry and around if she needed a chat. I didn't hear from here but did see her at a party the week after and she thanked me for the card and said she would get in touch. She set me an email recently to say she had moved house which I replied to but I haven't heard anything since.
I think the best thing to do is to write so that at least they know that you have been thinking of them and then the ball is really in their court.

Original poster
clumsymum · 21/08/2006 22:10

So if I buy a pretty flowery card, and write

Dear C

I am very sorry to hear from F that your mother is ill. This must be a very difficult and sad time for you.
I just want to let you know that if I can do anything to help, either in a practical way, or just as an ear to bend, then please get in touch.

Love A.

It sounds very formal and stilted, but I can't think what else to say.

Useless aren't I? Perhaps I am a rotten friend after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymum · 21/08/2006 22:43

No, it seems too cold now.

Perhaps I need to sleep on it. Please help if you can, I don't want to make her feel worse.

OP posts:
wartywarthog · 21/08/2006 23:14

actually, i think that sounds good. you're expressing your sadness and concern for her, and letting her know in a nice way that you're available if she needs you.

eidsvold · 22/08/2006 04:43

what you have suggested to write sounds fine.

coppertop · 22/08/2006 05:01

It sounds fine to me, clumsymum. Not cold at all IMHO.

SittingBull · 22/08/2006 05:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
clumsymum · 22/08/2006 11:14

Thanks for pointing that out SittingBull.

It's probably the way that the term "Must" is used in South Yorkshire where I grew up, but I see what you mean.

I'll use your phrasing instead.

Symantics is a funny thing isn't it ? should it be aren't they?

OP posts:
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