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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of my in laws

7 replies

Walnuss · 09/04/2014 11:40

I have a DC who will be one soon, first grandchild for my inlaws. They live 15mins away and despite us constantly phoning and trying to arrange contact, PIL have met DC three times, for about 30mins max. Some of DCs uncles/aunts have never met them. My own family are in a different country and see my DC more often than my ILs. I am fed up of trying so hard to keep up contact, taking an interest in their lives and themnot bothering with DC at all. It makes me so sad. We have a get together planned for DCs birthday but they may not even turn up. I feel like cancelling it and just taking DC out for the day with DH.

I want to give up making effort to speak to them but as they never contact us themselves it would effectively be cutting contact. I don't know what to do.

DH tells them we want to see them more but they dismiss him.

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 09/04/2014 11:42

stop trying so hard its thier loss cancel and go out and enjoy the day without them kids grow too fast make the most of it x

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 09/04/2014 11:47

walnuss I understand how you feel! I'm in the same situation with my df.

They (df &dsm) live about 15 mins away too. It really fuckng hurts when I see pictures on facebook of trips out to the zoo ect with his SGC who lve miles away as they drive and pick them up most weekends.

I didn't see my df for a whole year because I stopped making the effort, I don't even think he realised! He turned up when I had dd and I told him some home truths, he promised to make an effort but it fizzled out again .

Sometimes it's just out of sight, out of mind.

The worst thing is when he is down, it's me he texts to cheer him up Shock

Sad
onetiredmummy · 09/04/2014 11:53

That sounds rubbish!

It depends on what their reasons are I think, if they are not interested in young children then it could be they will be massively involved once your DC is a teen. If they have form for being selfish arseholes with no interest in anyone except themselves, then you can't force them to care. If they do really care but are just too busy & something always comes up then its not malicious its just thoughtless. It would be interesting to hear about your DH's childhood to see if it was similar....

I'd stop wasting so much energy on trying to get them to see their GC & just accept that they will not be the grandparents you wish they were. Stop phoning them & let them come to you. Perhaps wait & make your decision about what you do on DC's birthday. If they fail to come to that then perhaps don't consciously cut contact but let them come to you & stop chasing them. If they make the effort then cut your phone calls down to once a month say, or keep up with them on facebook.

It must be so disappointing to find out that they are not the grandparents you wanted for your DC, but because you & DH are good parents then your DC is not missing out.

Have a wonderful birthday for DC & don't be too upset if they don't come. Its something you have absolutely no control over & its their loss.

iggy155 · 09/04/2014 11:55

I have similar problems too. Makes me sad Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2014 11:56

My parents are similarly disinterested. I have tried with them also over the years but have learnt that you cannot make people interested in you/grandchildren if they are truly not. I would stop contacting them because doing that is only causing you more anguish currently.

Have a nice family day out instead of trying to arrange get togethers for disinterested family members. It is NOT your fault they are like this.

Walnuss · 09/04/2014 12:05

I'm sorry some of you are in the same boat.

It's frustrating because there is no reason why they are like this. We haven't had a falling out, they were lovely when DH was my DP and lived at home and I used to visit all the time. They had lots of DC themselves and seem to like kids, but maybe not other people's kids? It's as if when DH left home they just washed their hands of us.

I think I am going to give up, disappointed for my baby but she has my family so it's not too bad.

OP posts:
lechers · 09/04/2014 13:02

You can't make people interested, but the way I see it you've got two choices: either accept that's the way they are and that you have to put all the effort in for little return, or let the relationship take it's natural course (ie if you stop bothering, they won't either and it will naturally diminish).

I used to make the effort with the inlaws, make DH phone, go over etc etc, but they were never interested, never kept up with what the children were doing, never asked about them and their interests etc... Then DH told them how much it hurt him. Dd had chicken pox at the time, and they didn't even bother to phone up and ask how she was feeling. So we stopped making all the effort. I honestly don't think they noticed for the first year or two and when they did, well it was too little too late, I guess. Now, we see them once or twice a year, when they want to. But the girls have such busy lives, it's difficult to fit everything in.

They came over at Christmas, and didn't ask the girls once whether they had a good Christmas, or what they were given. The girls now have lost interest. When they did come over, they said a polite hello and then played on their iPods. I did think about stopping them, but then thought sod it, why should I bother when they can't even manage the niceties?

You can't force them to be interested. When your DC are little, you might find it manageable to do all the running around after them, but as your DC grow, and you're increasingly busy running a home, looking after your DC, working, doing all the hobbies etc... Your time becomes increasingly precious, and this becomes harder to sustain (ime). My life is incredibly hectic these days, and if I get an hour or two to myself, i consider that a good day. I found it unsustainable, but don't expect them to pick up the pieces. If you don't put the effort in, and they're not interested, it's unlikely they will either.

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