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Original poster

Possessive/worry over baby

19 replies

justlearning2014 · 09/04/2014 10:58

I'm a first time mum with an 8 week old baby and have found that I'm really worried about everything! I don't like giving him to other people to hold, change or feed. I worry constantly that people aren't holding him right or feeding him properly. I hate it when people give me advice, as I feel like they're correcting/ criticising me. I've started to find fault with my husbands family and I don't want them looking after the baby or seeing him, unless I'm there. I don't really get on with my mil, but we've never outright argued, we just aren't the same type of people and have different views on most things. Is it normal to feel like this? I'm hoping its a phase and will pass. My own mother said it could be a sign of PND. Is that true?

OP posts:

ddubsgirl · 09/04/2014 11:14

op worrying with a newborn is normal your mummy its ypur job esp with firstborn but if you are worried about pnd please go speak to your doctor rather than letting it fester xxxxxxxx

BuzzardBird · 09/04/2014 11:16

I think those feelings are completely normal and I wouldn't be leaving an eight week old baby with anyone anyway. Congratulations on your baby.

learnasyougo · 09/04/2014 11:30

while it could be pnd it is also very normal. millions of years of evolution working to make you feel this way.

It isn't irrational to feel possessive and protective of your baby.

I was not able to leave ds with someone other than me or his father until he was about 16 months!

I now have a 10 day old ds and I won't even leave him with his father. This early, my baby is mine, all mine. I know this phase will pass. I think it's a part of the bonding process. Not everyone feels this way (and that's normal, too) so maybe that's why your mum can't make of it. chances are she has just forgotten what it's like.

onetiredmummy · 09/04/2014 11:31

Congratulations!

Its difficult with a first as you want to do everything correctly and I mean everything and you also want people to see you as a fabulous mother (which you are). People naturally give advice on babies, its a normal thing to want to do & its not personal, its not a slur on you at all. If it sounds a bit hostile just remember that parenting changes over the years so what your relatives did in the 70's is now wrong & we have our own ways to do things in 2014. Trouble is your relatives aren't aware that times have changed so will give you incorrect advice so ignore anything that doesn't fit with what you know. They may give you out of date advice about FF or co sleeping as that was the knowledge when they were a mother, just roll with it & don't take it too seriously. Remember the mumsnet mantra of 'smile & ignore'.

If the worry is getting worse or you think its turned the corner into severe anxiety territory then go & talk to your GP or your midwife/health visitor. Its difficult for us to know whether that line has been crossed as only you will know how anxious you feel. If someone is holding the baby & you worry that they will prevent him from sleeping, that's different to being worried about spinal problems and permanent damage due to them holding baby wrong.

Its also pretty normal to want to do everything yourself, its a protective mother thing & its OK.

If in doubt, see your doctor

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2014 11:50

I think it's pretty normal. I'd class myself as laid-back verging on horizontal normally but found the early days of motherhood made me super-conscious of 'danger' in the most bizarre ways. Lack of sleep doesn't help your sense of perspective either. If you're worried, talk to your Health Visitor or GP. Congratulations on your new baby.

zebralegs · 09/04/2014 13:30

I have an 8-week-old too and I'm exactly the same with regards to other people looking after him - and he's my second! I'm pretty sure I don't have PND as other than the mega-anxiety over his safety etc. (which I had with my first, too) I'm pretty happy, but if you think you might then it's worth seeing your doctor. It does lessen as they get older, in my experience - they just seem so vulnerable and fragile at the moment, don't they?

Lutrine · 09/04/2014 17:24

I was the same, I've still not quite forgiven my mother in law for walking off out of the room with my 5 week old at a party in a hotel to show her off to the reception staff without us seeing, I turned round and she was gone!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/04/2014 17:52

If you are the sort of person who is reluctant to accept help at the best of times it will be doubly difficult to welcome help no matter how sincere or useful. From being your own person you now have this little individual to care for and he requires supervision. Taking on that responsibility and needing to focus and concentrate on DS is something you as a new parent take very seriously. So it's not unnatural to find other unasked-for input irritating.

Frankly some "help" at this stage is intended to garner extra cuddles. If people want to help, it is kind if they do something practical like make you and themselves a hot drink, vacuum or hang out washing - not just sit and coo at your baby.

See how you feel over the next week. You haven't mentioned feeling teary or anxious or trapped so I doubt it's PND but I'm no expert. What I do know is depression isn't feeling defeated all the time it can be a seesaw of good days then bad then good and bad.

Sparklysilversequins · 09/04/2014 18:17

New borns aren't for sharing and I get really fed up of this idea within families that everyone gets a "turn". If their parents aren't happy with it then they're not happy with it, they'll get there in the end. Being forced into it might be a contributory factor to PND I would have thought.

PretzelPrincess · 09/04/2014 18:28

I have. 5 week old and I'm totally the same! I an tell people are getting annoyed at me as I criticise everything they are doing when there holding the baby. Even DH.
I've found leaving the room helps. So if DM or DH are holding the baby I'll go make a cup of tea or something. Rationally I know that DS is safe with them but I can't help but worry. I feel this is unfair to DH if I Always have DS and criticise the way he looks after him. They also need some quality time together (some...not a lot!). Also means you can get a few things done around the house.

Original poster

justlearning2014 · 09/04/2014 20:00

Thanks for the advice! I have just joined mumsnet and am glad I did. Feeling much better already :)

OP posts:

monkeynuts123 · 09/04/2014 20:17

Normal. I'm still like it and mine is 2.5! You just have to learn to let go the older they get but those strong feelings are the same. Stick to your instincts. If you actually start to feel depressed that's one thing but not wanting to let your baby out of your sight is normal and sensible.

Laura0806 · 09/04/2014 22:31

I agree with what everyone has said. I was exactly the same with all of my 3 when they were that young.Congrats on your lo

MrsTonsofbloodykids · 09/04/2014 22:54

Dd is 9 weeks. I wrote dp a list of how to look after her this morning...I was away for a few hours. Ds was in hospital otherwise I wouldn't have left her.

There's nothing to describe the feelings a new baby creates in us. It's instinctive & we're driven by our instincts.

Be aware of PND . But honestly I think your a normal protective mum.

Good luck.

MrsTonsofbloodykids · 09/04/2014 22:56

Sorry point of my post was dd is our 6th child & still feellike you describe!

teenybash7 · 09/04/2014 22:56

I can't say I felt the same with regard to people holding my babies - maybe because I had twins! - but I so remember that the world turned from an OKish sort of place into a terrifying collection of dangers as soon as they were born. To be honest it's still the same but I've learned to keep it to myself. (My twins are now 18, so that's a lot of years of worrying!)

Be kind to yourself - if you still feel the same in a few months time, talk to your GP or HV for reassurance. Congratulations on your baby - he's lucky to have such a caring mum!

Mrs4561 · 09/04/2014 22:59

I still fell like this sometimes and my ds is 2 yo! I remember when he was about a week old, about 12 of my family members came round to see him for the first time. They tried to start playing 'pass the parcel' with him, I took him upstairs, (said he needed feeding) and just sat and cried because I didn't want anybody else to hold him to pass him round. I didn't have pnd, I was just being over protective.
I think the feeling that no-one else can look after your baby as well as you can is completely normal, he's your baby and you know him best!
Have a chat with your hv though, I know my dh brought it up with ours, just for some reassurance that the random bursting into tears for a few weeks after giving was was normal really as well as asking her when it would end

Mrs4561 · 09/04/2014 23:01

Still feel like this bloody fat fingers..

Viviennemary · 09/04/2014 23:08

I think it's fairly normal to be possessive over such a tiny baby. If you don't want other people to change or feed the baby then don't. Holding the baby should be enough for most people for the time being.

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