Pushing my partner away

[rocket69]

I posted a couple of years ago re: lack of sex/intamacy in my relationship. I got some really helpful replies and things picked up again for a good while. Sadly its gone down hill again and i think i've only got myself to blame. I have created this awful cycle where if it gets to a long time without intamacy i get moody/sulky, not deliberate but i struggle to control it just start feeling a bit low/unwanted. even typing it now i can see how annoying/stupid it sounds. i also seem to have become needy and wanting constant reassurance, which is obviously really unattractive so all this combines to make it less likely that we are intimate. Partner is now really fed up of telling me this again and again and i can see why. Just really struggling to break this cycle, suppose i'm asking for any thoughts? We both really love and care about each other, plenty of cuddles, pecks etc. Just this issue.

How long is a 'long time without intimacy'?

Thank you for the reply cogito, the way you worded it has also made me realise even more how annoying i am being. to be honest its probably about two or three weeks, which reading it back is hardly a 'long time' feel a bit daft.

Feelings are never 'daft'. Don't get me wrong. You say there is a lot of love and care and plenty of cuddles and kisses etc and I would class all of those as 'intimacy', but clearly there is something else that is making you feel insecure and in need of constant reassurance. You're pinning it on the frequency of full sex but I wonder if that's actually the problem. Is there anything else in your relationship that is making you nervous, for example? Anything in your partner's behaviour?

Got me thinking there thank you, not sure wether its something in the relationship or external factors that are making me feel insecure generally and i look to my partner for the reassurance. We are both really busy at the moment and don't have as much time with each other as we used to.

If there are external factors making you feel insecure it might help to identify them and ask your partner for support dealing with them. He might find that easier to reconcile than being accused of not being intimate enough. If time together is an issue, then create some space for yourselves.... not necessarily bedroom-related space because that might be seen as pestering.

Hello Rocket, I can relate to your feelings exactly it is a visious cycle to get into when your feelings don't seem to be reciprocated in the ways that you'd like them to be, yet there is still apparently an emotional and intimate connection in existence within the relationship. I feel as if my emotional investment is greater than my partners a lot of the time, I doubt it is thinking about it rationally, but emotions are rarely rational.

It is difficult to maintain a level of emotional connection with your partner if they're getting their "needs" met and you're not. It may not be any external insecurity as Cog suggested, it could be that you're just not as compatible as originally thought, this could be temporary or long term I guess. However, it is certainly worth looking at every conceivable angle (including Cog's suggestion): eventually you'll identify the problem then start working on a solution, hopefully with your partner too.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone and it's a quandry quite a few folk are wrestling with.

thank you both, keepithidden the first bit of your post is so spot on. it was me that suggested it may external factors which are making me feel insecure. I think i need to have a sit and good long think.

Aside from that issue we really do have a good relationship, on the same page re kids, lots of interests and values/opinions in common. enjoy spending time with each other and enjoy the same things.

As i'm typing this its dawning on me that maybe too much so, my partner has suggested i lack interests/time with friends outside the relationship so perhaps i am smothering and placing all my emotional needs in one basket. Sorry for rambling but this is really helping.