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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

this is destroying me...

8 replies

moggiemay · 09/04/2014 07:15

Together 22yrs, married 15, been unhappy for a long time. Used to look at freedom poster and think what man doesn't have some of those traits, after looking on here I have gradually realised that h is ea.
About 6 weeks ago and another threat to leave, this time I didn't stop him, he was back in 2 days refusing to give me space, off again a week or so later, same thing wouldn't stay away. I agreed to try, felt I needed to say I've tried everything but just felt so wrong, was doing it for everyone but me..nothing new there. Well last week he rang and asked how I thought it was going so told him the truth. Since then he's alternated between nasty anger including taking ds 4yrs away from me, dsd's will have nothing to do with me ( grown up and v close), killing himself, has mh issues and has used this for yrs, complete denial, he spoke to dm yesterday and realised it was over-I thought, last night it started again, the pls reconsider followed by nasty anger and threats.
He says he will change, I haven't given him a chance, I should of told him yrs ago! So at least partly my fault, and now we are back to just think about it..my resolve is weakening, do I give him a chance? will I regret not doing so in the future? a divorce is going to be really nasty, there is no way he will put ds first, any advice? Sorry for long post just so lost

OP posts:
LottieJenkins · 09/04/2014 07:28

Have you got ds back now? Sad

MatureUniStudent · 09/04/2014 07:30

Sounds an utterly grim situation you are being forced to live. My divorce took 5 long grueling years but throughout it the DC and I blossomed as life became peaceful, secure and safe. No crazyness. I wouldn't go back to the nightmare world you are in, and I had the same behavour from my Ex. Grasp freedom and stability and don't fear the divorce. Just do it as a means to a future of freedom and happiness.

moggiemay · 09/04/2014 07:40

He hasn't taken ds but threatened to, says he won't leave but I can and he'll 'keep' ds like he's a possession

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 07:50

crikey - he doesn't deserve any more chances. Solicitor for you, Women's Aid and the freedom programme too. There really isn't any other option is there?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2014 08:44

It's destroying you because he's inflicting every single weapon in the emotional abuser's armoury on you. Threats, guilt, remorse, promises to change, suicide, MH issues, being nice .... you could almost tick them off a list they're so predictable. Very cruel behaviour on his part.

If he won't leave and if he's behaving in a threatening manner, especially towards your child, I strongly recommend you either report him to the police and have him removed or get yourself and DS away somewhere safe. Womens Aid is a very good idea and they can recommend solicitors in your area that specialise in cases like yours.

CailinDana · 09/04/2014 08:56

Why would you even consider staying with someone who doesn't give a shit about you or your son?

moggiemay · 09/04/2014 09:39

Thank you all, sitting here in tears, first time I've cried in all this and I'm usually so emotional, still don't want to believe it's come to this, have made an appointment with solicitor for Monday and think I'll ring women's aid

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2014 09:48

Sometimes tears are a necessary release. You're describing 22 years together, 15 years married and that for a lot of that time you've been unhappy. That's a very stressful way to live and I don't think you really appreciate how stressful. Having had some time apart from him, maybe you've seen a glimpse of what a normal, calm life could look like? It's there for the taking and I'm glad you've made an appointment with a solicitor.

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