is anyone still up? could do with some advice or a handhold

[emptynow]

I don't know whether I should be posting here or in mental health but I need someone to talk to. I have a million thoughts rushing through my head and not a soul I can talk to.

My depressed OH had another violent outburst this evening. This was after I challenged the talk of suicide and not wanting to live. In desperation, I called the police. OH is now 'safe' but I think the reality of what's happened is just hitting me and I don't know where to turn.

I can't face sleeping as that brings me closer to the morning and that means having to explain this to the children.

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life tonight in phoning for help :( I am scared to death about what happens next. At the very least my marriage is over as I don't think he will ever forgive me for what I have done and at worst I have fucked up my children's family. How on earth do I make this better for them?

I'm up for about another 15 mins or so. How are you doing? And just for reassurance (and from someone who works with people with MH issues) you did the right thing to ask for help. Your marriage isn't over, please don't catastrophise, things might well look bleak right now but you have options and choices, and people here to listen.

You have made it better for your kids, in the long term. Your OH will be able to access the help he obviously needs.

My hand is here for you. When you say another violent outburst, do you mean physically violent towards you and that this has happened before? Where is he now? How old are your DCs?

You absolutely didn't do the wrong thing in seeking help, both for you and your husband. Hopefully he will get the help he needs.

You did the right thing by calling the police for help, That's what they're there for.

I would strongly advise calling womens aid, they give great advice.

Are yoyr DCs aware if any of it?

Unmumsnetty ((((hugs))))

Yep, I'm up for a wee bit - and, also agree - you've done the right thing. I's goingto look grim for the small hours...it'll look better in the morning and over a few days.

Well done for doing something positive to help your family. It's not easy, and it will be fine. Kids understand "dad's not well" - they'll not ask for more details.

Has your DH been taken to hospital? If so, it sounds like you did absolutely the right thing to call for help.

You say he had a violent outburst, are you hurt at all, or was it verbal?

Your DH was contemplating suicide & sounds to me like he has reached a crisis level, you had to do something to stop him & get him the professional help he needs. This does not sound like a mistake to me, but a very courageous decision.

MH is always a very difficult thing to explain to children (in my personal experience). For now, I would just explain to them that Daddy is not very well and has gone away for a little while to get better.

Please please remember that you have "fucked up" nothing. You were faced with what sounds like a scary, upsetting & serious situation. You had to call for back up.

you did the right thing
you could not possibly have coped with the situation
now you have a chance to improve things

Hello empty. You say 'another' violent outburst. So it doesnt sound to me like you have done the wrong thing, you habe done the sensible thing for the person that you love. Ypu need to keep everyone safe and he needs help and care and thats what you have tried to do, try not to feelgulity.
Imagine if this was happening to your best friend - what advice wpuld you give her?

Thank you. I'm in bed crying and shaking. DC are under 9 and were thankfully in bed. Violent as in 0-60 temper and smashing stuff up. It wasn't directed at me but I was and am terrified. Yes its happened before but its getting worse. I admit I snapped tonight when after blanking me all evening he was going to bed because he felt 'ill' when I pushed for what was wrong he cam e out with the not wanting to live.

He then tried to walk away and come to bed. I told him turn around and have the decency to talk to me and when he wouldn't do that I think I told him to grow up and take some bloody responsibility for his actions and he flipped.

I know he will blame all of this on me especially the calling of the police.

I'm going to say it out loud but I can't cope with this anymore. The atmosphere around him is at times toxic. I'm walking on eggshells constantly and if I try to broach the subject of his mood, meds, treatment etc I get told its no fun being him :(

I think I want to run away. And I'm sorry if that's Ott but I have no idea what happens next and I'm absolutely shitting it. What if I can't cope? There is no one here I can turn to

Oh dear . Your DH knows that it is "no fun being him" at the moment, but probably can't understand the effect that would have on you & your DCs. He really, truly, needs help & you have recognised that and sought that help for him as he was either unable or unwilling to do it for himself.

When you have MH issues (as I am sure you are painfully aware), it can be very hard to see how your illness is affecting those closest to you. Sometimes all you can see is your own life & your own depression.

Believe me, you had done your children a massive favour in calling for help. They deserve to have a 'well' daddy, rather than one who is so ill .

You have been very brave.

if I try to broach the subject of his mood, meds, treatment etc I get told its no fun being him

And yet it has never occurred to him that it is no fun living with him either.

He either a) has serious MH issues in which case he needs help and you did him a favour tonight b) is abusive and uses MH as an excuse to hurt you or c) a bit of both.

Whichever it is, you need to get out of this relationship.

What is the situation re money, housing, work etc?

Please chuck him out tonight if you possibly can emptynow. You are right. This is massively toxic and you can't walk on eggshells any more. Running away is a very rational response. Please call Refuge and get gone. I am worried about you.

I'm fine in the safety sense for tonight as he was either going to somewhere mh related or the cells for the night.

I think its probably c bogey. But my head feels absolutely mashed tonight and I think my judgement is unreliable in my present state.

We both work, married and have the mortgage to pay. However, he is currently signed off with depression and my job has gone pear shaped in the last few weeks. I don't know if I will have a job long term. Even if I do the new management style is 'get with the programme or leave'. I'm feeling attacked from all angles.

Eldest DC knows something is up. A simple explanation will not work with them and I'm dreding the probing questions that will follow as they are like a dog with a bone.

I can't shake that feeling of if only I had kept my gob shut :( I know I couldn't have kept going like this for much longer but the uncertainty of now is killing me

Oh op...

This time was coming. You know your dh needs more help then you can give him.

The problem has now spilled out of your house & you know that's what all of you need.

MH is so difficult. Please now this is 'out there' push for help. Tell your dc the truth, bare minimum but the truth. Must be very hard for your dc too.

Take care of yourself & try & get some rest.

You know... Children are not stupid, and may be as uncomfortable with their dad's presence as you are.

It took me a few years to finally accept DS was better off without seeing his dad. DS (and every one who knew him well from the staff at the school to the mums of thir friends) knew it from day one. I guess I just had been brainwashed (as everybody tends to be) with the rather stupid idea that children can only be happy having both parents around in a daily basis, no matter how abusive, neglectful or unreliable a parent could be.

You have most definitely done the right thing.

I did something similar a few weeks ago after my DH physically attacked me. He also has MH issues.

I phoned the police and as a result he had a night in the cells and a very harsh talking to from the police in the morning. They decided to caution him.

However as a result of all this, it seems to have given him a kick up the arse he needed to go and seek further medical attention and counciling. Before this he was simply just taking his meds (I don't think they were working), and being awful to live with.

I've told him I don't want him back in the house until I'm happy he's doing all he can to control this. I know it's harsh as he's ill but I have myself and my DCs to consider. I don't know if we'll ever get past this but at least he's trying and I have a little control and I'm not being his emotional punch bag.

Please contact women's aid as they have loads of really helpful stuff on mental health and violence, finances, triggers etc

I know it feels as though your life has just ended but it might just be the turning point to it getting better.

All I told my DCs was that daddy has gone away to stay somewhere to get better. My dd asked me if daddy being poorly was why he gets angry (she's 6), I thought we'd kept it from them but it's amazing how well they cope though.

Hugs x x

Dont forget, just because someone has MH issues doesnt mean that abuse is a direct result of it, or that the abuse wouldnt happen if you did something different to deal with the MH problems.

Anyway, that isnt the issue is it? You need to protect yourself and regarding work "Deal with it or leave" can be seen as constructive dismissal depending on how it is done, so keep a log of what is done and said at work. You dont say what line you are in, but union membership can be a godsend in issues such as this, so if there is one, join it.

I think you have done the right thing, you pointed out what the problem is " I told him to grow up and take some bloody responsibility for his actions "

I'm sure that taking responsibility also includes seeking help when needed and take his medicines. With this you are also taking responsibility, you are worried about your children, your job and the family welfare in general, somebody has to do it, it is difficult but he cannot expect that all the family will follow him through in his downward spiral. Tonight you have given him a wake up call.

My biggest fear is that there will be no help. The place he was supposed to be under refused to take him tonight and I heard that from the officers involved.

I have no idea where to turn for me and the DC. There will be no escaping the damage he has left, they will see it and ask. One DC also has sn. My heart is breaking for them. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere with dc's sn this happens and it could cause huge setbacks

And I'm also dreding where this gets referred to re the children. Am I now facing social services etc turning up? I have no experience of this and only negative stories etc to go by. The more I think about it all the more I want to run far far away

I'm so sorry others have been through similar. Thank you for posting Thebluedog, your DC sounds like mine - she quizzed me on why daddy wasn't at work today and what was going to happen etc she will ask questions go away have a think and come back with more probing ones! Other DC is going to be harder to talk to :(

I'm in a union but that won't stop the day to day horribleness that now exists in my workplace. I need my fight for bigger things now and thankfully I have a couple of weeks off

Am I now facing social services etc turning up? I have no experience of this and only negative stories etc to go by.

DH suffers with severe depression, not helped by MIL's meddling and I had to call the police a couple of times, SS did get involved but all that happened was they spoke to us both to find out what was going on, gave us some information about counselling and mediation and made sure we had plans to handle future issues, there were a few visits after that to check everything was ok then a review meeting where they decided we had taken the right steps to sort it and that was the end of it, it was nothing to be scared of and actually them getting involved was a good thing as there was a lot more help available than I'd thought.

The DC and I moved back in with my parents for a while so DH could sort himself out but a combination of counselling, mediation and a change of meds worked and DH is back to being the lovely man I fell in love with, with no talk of suicide or big arguments in the last 6 years (we still have the odd disagreement but no more than most couples) and he's been off his medication for about 5 years now.

Fwiw I think you did the right thing. You said it's been getting worse, you were scared, you couldn't keep going like this forever it was all coming to a head. Is there somewhere he can go stay for awhile, maybe his parents or family member? It sounds like you could do with a little break from it all.

As others have said, SS getting involved is a Good thing, it certainly was for me. They ensure you both take the correct steps to ensure your DCs well being. They will help with counciling and talk to everyone individually. It really helped with my DH as he had to tow the line and they made him sign agreements and helped me sort out visitations etc.

Hope you're ok OP. Is it worth telling your boss what's happened? Mine was v sympathetic as she suggested I get signed off sick to enable me to sort it out. But that only helps if your boss is approachable.

Sorry I disappeared, I actually fell asleep.

The rest was short lived though, as I feared he was released. I missed his text at 3am asking if he could go home or should he go elsewhere but was woken by him phoning to say he was outside and could he at least come in to get a coat. I am so and :( at the same time. I feel yet again he couldn't take the responsibility to go somewhere else for the night and I am fuming that they sent him back here.

Neither text or phone call contained an apology. I want to scream that I've woken up in this bloody nightmare. He has no family to go to and I can't tell mine at the moment due to other things going on.

On the work front I can't discuss this. In fact it is likely to have consequences for my work in that certain people are likely to be made aware of this anyway and I just can't face it at the moment.

I'm sorry its more doom and gloom from me. I now have to switch to happy mode as I cann hear the DC getting up when in fact i want to crawl under the duvet and hide as my head is pounding