Don't know if I love him anymore

[JustOneYesterday]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and we've been living together for three years with a two year old little girl. We've been having a lot of arguments recently and I don't really feel happy in the relationship anymore. The majority of the arguments seem to be over raising our daughter and him feeling undermined by me, which I've been trying to work on.

We broke up once three years ago because he'd been messaging someone else with sexual messages but ended up getting back together, although I feel like at the time I was under a lot of pressure from him and my family to get back together. The whole thing was excused by my parents as him being young and I didn't really feel like I was 'allowed' to break up with him (we were both young at the time). I don't know if I've trusted him since then, I hate him having female friends now, I feel like he's going to do the same thing again.

Our daughter wasn't planned and now I feel like I'm trapped with him forever because that's what's best for her. I feel guilty even considering breaking up with him because he loves me so much but I don't know if I ever really loved him or whether I stayed with him because it felt like I had to.

What's best for your daughter is what's best for both you and your partner. Happy parents - whether apart or together - will lead to happy children. Unhappy parents - or parent - is not good for anyone.

You don't sound as though you love your partner at all. I think you need some sort of counselling to sort it all out in your own head, but I would say that YOU need to be happy and content. We do only get one life and you need to live it in a way that makes you happy and content.

Its a complete myth that a child will be happy if unhappy parents stay together for their sake.

If the parents are unhappy & trying not to show it, then the child will still pick up on the underlying tension in the family home, & possibly even the hissed downstairs arguments etc when they have gone to bed. Such a child might be relieved if the parents split up, as their own life will be free of the stress of living with people who dislike each other. Children are more perceptive than you think. What you don't t want is for your DD to get even the tiniest whiff that she is responsible for you staying with him, no child needs that guilt.

Trust is a tricky thing to get back even if you are both committed to working stuff out & if you know you want to leave already then there's unlikely to be a happy future for you with him. Your family don't have to be his girlfriend, the decision is not theirs at all & you don't need their permission to break up with him.

If you had no pressure from anyone, what would you do?

I'd probably have left by now. I hate how negative he can be and find the constant arguments stressful and upsetting, particularly when he says things like he has about me being spoilt and deserving a slap. He did apologise but it made me feel really on edge. Sometimes I wish he would hit me so I'd have an excuse to leave which I know is really awful. I worry about how I would cope with our daughter if I left though, I've found being mum hard. In the past I have considered asking social services to take her away as I'm scared of ending up like my physically abusive father.

"I don't know if I ever really loved him or whether I stayed with him because it felt like I had to"

From your pencil sketch it seems like you've stayed with him because
a) You had pressure from him
b) You had pressure from your family
c) You think it's best for your DD
d) He loves you
e) You'd feel guilty if you left

You've been steamrollered for so long and from so many angles that I think you've lost sight of what you want from life. You're really not trapped at all but it's going to take some sharp elbows and a bit of assertiveness to say 'enough's enough' and get yourself out. Your DD is small enough to adapt.

You only get one shot at life so live it for yourself, put your needs first and stop letting others bully you.

Good luck

No, being in a relationship where you yourself are deeply unhappy will not teach your daughter healthy lessons about relationships. What would you think if she ended up with a man or relationship like yours is?. Its not good, your job amongst many is to teach her healthy lessons about relationships so she can use those in her own adult life. Do you want to show her this frankly awful role model of a relationship; would you want this loveless relationship to be her "norm"?. You cannot burden a child with a choice that you made; staying together purely for the sake of the child does not work. They won't appreciate your increasing bitterness over the years and being told, "oh the sacrifices I made for you".

This man has previously shown to be untrustworthy and after that its very difficult, infact nigh on impossible, to regain any sort of equilibrium or trust. No trust - no relationship.

If there was no child involved you and he would no longer be together now; is that the case?. Your DD should not and should never be used as glue to bind the two of you together.

Also staying with this character stops you from meeting someone new.

So he 'loves you so much' but thinks you deserve a slap... Nasty piece of work, isn't he?

When you're not living with a bully and under constant stress, you'll find that caring for your baby is 100% easier and you are much less likely to lose your temper (if that's what you're referring to). Children present some challenges, it's true, but nothing like the anxiety of living in fear.

Please get yourself away from this miserable man, get yourself some parenting help and some practical support and, if your family want to keep you in an abusive relationship, ignore them.

AttillaTheMeerkat if we didn't have DD we might have split up but I think I'd have still felt too guilty to do it. I almost feel responsible for his happiness now as we started dating during a difficult time in his life (trying not to out myself). My mum said at the time that if I began to date him then I would have to stay with him as it would be unfair to mess with his emotions.

Cognito I don't know how I'd manage if I moved out and away from him. I'm at college at the moment and we work around each other to look after our DD during college time. I couldn't stay where we are as the flat is in his name but equally I couldn't get the deposit back because he wouldn't have anywhere to go and has no way of saving for a deposit.

I think I can be quite difficult to live with and would admit freely that I can be quite demanding. Most of the time he wouldn't say something like that but he got quite frustrated with me for whatever reason and I think it just came out. I wouldn't describe him as abusive.

When you say you can be "difficult to live with" and "demanding" what do you mean?

I am gobsmacked to think that your mother urged you to stay with him so as not to hurt his feelings - you have to commit your entire life to someone that you've just met but are not that keen on because he might be sad?? Absolute madness.

" My mum said at the time that if I began to date him then I would have to stay with him as it would be unfair to mess with his emotions. "

That was truly lousy advice from your mother. Bloody awful. Just because you got together when he was a mess, you don't owe him anything. You certainly should feel condemned to spend the rest of your life with someone once you realise it's a bad choice. If you're only at college now how old were you when you started going out? Everyone makes mistakes and she should be on your side.

On managing with your DD, have a serious word with your college student services team. There is a lot of extra help available to mature students with families - including accommodation - and there will be alternatives to sticking with the status quo. Grants, benefits, access to childcare etc.

As for being 'quite demanding' I don't actually care if you're chucking plates at him on a nightly basis. This isn't about ascribing fault or who is behaving worse than whom. If it's wrong, it's wrong and you're better off out of it than sticking with it hoping for some magical improvement.

'shouldn't feel condemned...' shouldn't....

CailinDana Demanding means that I like to have my own way when I can. I can accept it when I can't have my own way obviously, but DP often doesn't make decisions so it's left to me to make them anyway. I think from the outside it could look like I'm demanding when a lot of the time if I didn't make decisions they probably would never be made. That's what I mean by difficult to live with.

Cognito I was fourteen and he was fifteen. I had to quit college to have DD and had a year off before restarting September last year.

What you're describing isn't 'difficult' it's 'assertive'. If your boyfriend (or anyone else for that matter) can't accept you for who you are the answer is not to change or compromise your personality but to move onto someone who appreciates you. Otherwise they are like a lead weight round your neck, dragging you down & which you will increasingly resent.

DP also says that I always like to be right don't most people but he says it like it's a bad thing. It'll be over silly things most of the time like where something was left and if I get it right he just sighs at me and says you always have to be right don't you or something like that.

I know that I'm painting a bad picture of him on this thread but most of the time he's really sweet and loving and we get along OK.