"I'm going to slap you in a minute"

[TheHorseDentist]

Those are the words that came out of my OH's mouth earlelier.

I'm in shock and don't quite know how to react. We have been together for 5 years and I have never seen him flip like this before. Yes we were arguing at the time, but a minor one, but nothing to warrant an outburst like that.

How do I make it clear to him that I do not find threats like that acceptable?

I don't know if he actually would have gone through to hit me. I had always been sure that I had picked a good 'un, but after this I can't be sure. Jesus Christ how does he even find it acceptable to make a threat of physical violence. I'm doubting he is the man I thought he was.

When he is calm you say that threatening you is completely unacceptable and if it happens again you are unlikely to continue the relationship.

Also make sure he knows that if he ever carried out this threat that you would phone the police and press charges for assault.

I don't blame you. He threatened you in order to shut you up, I assume?

I think the best way to make it clear to him is to say very clearly, in very straightforward language, exactly what will happen if a) that sentence ever comes out of his mouth and again and b) if he ever did lay a finger on you.

I think it would be good to tell him how you have described here that you are feeling and what you are thinking.

You tell him to get the fuck out of your home now, and consider what he's said, or you'll call the police and ask them what they think of his comment.

He's showing you who he is. Listen and don't accept it.

If you show him that it's Game Over if violence or violent conduct/talk comes into your lives then it might just stop him in his tracks.

Go in hard on this. Sledgehammer vs Nut.

Don't use the 'the next time' shit. That won't show him consequences.

He needs educating fast. Tell him to get out while you think about what he's said to you today, and for him to do the same.

Don't let him off the hook. There is no 'second chance' stuff with violence.

Speak to him about it when all is calm. Of course it's not acceptable to say that to you. He needs to know he has frightened you and disappointed you too I imagine. I wonder why he got so angry? You need to get to the bottom of it and he needs to work on his anger.

What did you say when he said it, OP?

He is showing you who he is. Listen.

Your title made me wince. Awful. Is this the first sign of this you've seen? Any verbal abuse or control type behaviour?

How bad was the fight?

Was it said in an exasperated way... Like 'I'm going to kill that dog in a minute' (sorry, bad example but couldn't think of another to make my point in text)... It's not an excuse, but I once had a disagreement with my DH that led solely from confusion over tone.

I agree with the sentiments already expressed. I do wonder where it came from, it sounds like something a parent might say.

I think his actions after this would make a difference as to what I did next.

Could be something that just came out and he wouldnt of actually hit you?

Has he ever shown any signs of violence or given you any form of abuse?

Personally if it was me and a 1 off and the argument was bit heated on both sides i would just let it go, i know ive said stuff in the past to exs during arguments but would never actually act anything out.

He needs to know how uncomfortable and worried you are after the out burst though so explain your feeling to him and tell him your not having it from him make sure he knows you mean business

That's how it starts. :(

For now, and if you are not prepared yet to LTB, do tell him that any more threats, or actual acts, will be reported to the police.

But he is very likely to threaten you again, and even assault you, sooner or later.

Telling him to leave while you consider what to do won't work either, because when you take him back he'll consider himself forgiven and that you will put up with it.

If you use the "next time" boundary, only time will tell. But make sure to check yourself if next time you have an argument if the threat is in your mind. Are you likely to avoid confrontation next time?

But, apart from the threat of violence, his threat reeks of domination over you. It sounds like someone who would actually punish you for confronting him.

I wonder if there are other red flags in him that you haven't noticed so far.

What I wrote about the possibility of giving one chance is based on you living with/being married and with children, BTW.
If you have no children, then my advice is just to leave now. You won't want to have children with someone who threatens you at any point.

Leave.

Have a good good think about the thought processes that went on in his head in order for him to even get near thinking that, never mind saying it, then think through all the stresses and strains facing you as a couple in the future - all the times you would need to be 100% sure of him, think of just how carefully you want to choose the best possible person to be your forever partner and father to your children - and then LEAVE.

You have just had one big fat warning.

Five years is not long in a lifetime. Not 'too much to throw away'.

Rationalise this away at your peril.

By staying, you are telling him you accept that he will hit you in the future when you argue, or he gets angry. You are on dangerous grounds.

I had this threat once. He also said he had slapped a previous gf because she wouldn't shut up. He never did actually hit me but there are many, many other ways you can get to someone once they are scared of you- which, after this, you are.
Would have been so much easier had he actually done it instead of the threat. Because then you know for sure. This way, you're never quite sure... and that way, you're under control.

Thank you for all of your replies.
I don't know what to think to be honest. I'm a strong and highly determined that he will never lay a finger on me. I just need to understand fully if it was just a threat or is the start. I haven't spoke to him since.

This is how it starts unfortunately. My exp used to smash things us and say he wished it was my face. One day he ended up smashing up my face. That was the 19 year old me though, hopefully you are are wise and old enough to not let that happen.

It's a threat certainly, AND potentially the start.

I also winced at your title, it sounds like your husband is talking to you like you are a naughty child.

I'm a strong and highly determined that he will never lay a finger on me.

Unfortunately there is only one way you can prevent him from laying a finger on you, and that's to walk away now.

It is not just about whether he hits you. It is that just the thought in your mind that he might could result in you changing your behaviour.

Yes as randomfriend says.
I was strong, cool, independent and tough. I'd have flattened him in a fight!. Wind on six months after this threat and I was weak, dependent, desperate and scared. The slapping threat was one of a million classic ways he kept control.
Because that threat is a control threat. If you've lost your rag enough to slap someone you slap them. If you haven't, you don't. You aren't aware that you're going to bd more angry 'in a minute'. It's a very controlling way of trying to get you to be quiet.
I should have gone when he said it. I couldn't as it was 3am and I was in his town, in his bed. Things got worse and worse.
I think it shows a mindset that is problematic- controlling, intolerant, etc

I don't know the context of your relationship or the nature of the argument. I don't know how you talk to each other ordinarily. If this was a one-off remark that was completely out of character I'd urge you to take it very seriously but not overreact. If your relationship is characterised by sniping, put-downs or low-level bullying on a more regular basis it would be far more worrying.

Calmly ask him to leave.

Then if he does not phone the police.

He needs to learn.

If he had a argument with a police officer and said that he would be arrested.......