Wife's confidence destroyed, 5 years of hell, help

[Robinneed]

I have a feeling this is going to be a bit lengthy but please read as I really need help:(

Im a guy. My wife and I married approx 4 years ago and have been together for nearly 9 years in total. She's 39 and I'm 31. We're having some problems and have been for a while and I don't know how to sort them out. I need help and opinions! I love her and I fear that if we don't get this sorted we're not going to last much longer. A lot of it is my fault but we're in a bizarre situation that has lead to some incredible stress which has lead to some bad behaviour and poor decision making.

I'm going to explain a bit of history and then I'll tie it all together so don't worry if it sounds a little random at first.

My wife has been ill for the past 20 years with Addison's Disease. She has it under control to a degree with medication but she still has good and bad periods of time. Sometimes she can feel pretty good and other times she struggles to walk, think and generally function. She has lots of food intolerance's so has to eat a squeaky clean diet. I do most of the cooking though as I enjoy it and I cook her some tasty food.

When we first met my wife had a full time job that she enjoyed. I set up my own business just after we got together. For 3 or 4 years things were going great, we had plenty of money and things were expanding nicely. I had a friend who was closing down his business and was selling some machinery that would benefit my business. One thing lead to another and after talking with my friend we decided to buy his entire business. This meant my wife left here job and came to work for 'our' business. The office was based at home. Working together took a bit of getting used to. We had quite a few arguments at first, as anyone would expect. I'm a bit of a control freak too when it comes to work and I want things done my way. Unfortunately it turned out that my wife, partly due to her illness and partly just because of how she is isn't really cut out for being self employed. She can't handle the stress. Anyways..... without getting into major details our 'friend' who sold us the business turned out to have an illness we weren't aware about and was a schizophrenic. To cut a long story short him and his wife turned out to be complete nutters and shafted us out of approx £350,000.00! He since beat up his wife, put her in hospital, he tried to commit suicide a few times and ended up in jail several times!

He also did everything he could to put us out of business as well as harassing myself, my wife and our staff. We received death threats and constant hassle day and night for 2 solid years. They also tried their best to split us up which nearly worked until we figured out that they'd been playing us off against each other.

Basically we closed down the new business and turned all of our attention back to our original business as we had acquired a new £350,000.00 debt which had to be repaid. We were so stressed and on the run up to closing the new business down my wife had cried herself to sleep for 2-3 months. Nothing was worth that and it was destroying here health as stress is one of the worst things for people who have Addison's.

When we were looking at buying this second business my wife was quite happy and up for it but when the sh*t hit the fan she got depressed and decided she never wanted to do it in the first place. I've been blamed for the disaster which I can see her point as she's not a risk taker whereas I am. We'd also remortgaged her mums house for £200,000.00 which was one of the worst things we did and I've learned my lesson there. Never borrow from friends or family.

From the above you can see that our personal and business lives are incredibly deeply interconnected which is not an ideal situation to be in.

Unfortunately, because of my wife's health being up and down a lot of the time she's not up to the job and I reckon she's built up quite a lot of anxiety and negative feelings towards the business due to the far from ideal way in which we started working together. It also doesn't help that I want things done my way. The business has done incredibly well because of the way I do things though so I feel my way is the best.

When she's feeling good and on-form she's great but when she's not she can't do here job and the business suffers. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't be so much of a problem because when I say the business 'suffers' we're still nearly taking a 3 figure salary between us but because of the debts a lot of this money gets wiped out repaying them.

Every year our business gets bigger and better but our relationship is taking it's toll because I've pretty much managed to destroy her confidence and made her feel worthless. I don't do this on purpose. It's just the pressure of having to make as much money as possible from as few a staff as possible in as shorter space of times as possible and if she does something to bugger this up I tend to get annoyed with her. If we could survive on 50K per year it'd be a piece of cake but we need to do 100k every year just to survive and pay enough of the debt back to keep the bailiffs from our doors.

Another side effect of our business problems is that our sex life has died. I've never been great at affection. It doesn't come naturally. In the early days of our relationship our sex life was great and we had amazing sex. My wife was very open minded and would try anything (no threesomes or anything, I'm not interested in sharing her). I ended up working 16 hour days 7 days a week for approx 4 years and it destroyed my sex drive as I was incredibly fatigued and had so much going on in my head 24/7 I couldn't relax and just very rarely felt up for it.

We've built a really good business with our first business. We have great staff, we do a fantastic job and our customers love us. We've worked very hard and we have an excellent reputation in our industry. We now have an abundance of work. More than we can do. In the last couple of years I've started to structure the business so that I'm now down to 5 days a week and work within normal office hours. This has made a huge difference. We structured it so that my wife doesn't have to do more than 2-3 days a week and we've actually increased our income. Unfortunately it's all still getting swallowed up by debt repayment. We live OK but we only had two holidays since we met and one of them was our wedding abroad. Now I work less it's hard to get back into the touchy feely affectionate kind of relationship we had before as it seems very awkward and alien to both of us.

I do have a plan over the next 4 years to be able to get out of our awful financial situation. It's going to take a lot more work. However our marriage isn't going to last that long. My wife is miserable, she has no confidence (mostly due to me) our sex life is nearly non existent. I don't want her feeling like this.

Another issue is that when we met, both of us said we didn't want kids. It could be difficult for her to conceive due to her illness as her hormones are all over the place but it might be possible. Especially if we got some medical help. Just recently I've ended up with a new nephew and after spending time with him my opinion about kids is changing. One of the issues making our marriage even worse at the moment is the fact i'm 31 and my wife is 39. She's 8 years older. For the last two years she's been saying she's running out of time to have kids but she has also said she doesn't want kids. I think she's getting a bit panicky because of her age and I can fully understand this. I'd be quite happy to have kids if she wanted to but due to our business and her illness I don't see how it could happen. There's no way she'd be able to get up through the night to tend to the baby and I fear that if I had to our business would suffer.

Normally I'd just say stuff the business.... Family first! If necessary I'd have been willing to ditch the business and go and get a normal job but if we ditch the business we loose everything we've got and my mother in-law becomes homeless at the age of 61! She has no pension and barely any savings. Therefore I'm absolutely screwed which ever way I do things.

I love my wife. I still find her incredibly sexy and good looking. She used to love making herself look good by keeping slim, make-up, nice sexy clothes....etc. Now she's unhappy and depressed and stressed. She's gained a little wight which means she doesn't wear any of her nice clothes and doesn't bother with her hair or make-up much. I know she's dying to be how she was previously and I'd love her to be too but the situation and my attitude has destroyed her.

At the moment she's moved out 3 days ago and is back at her mums. She's coming back tomorrow but we need to get something sorted once and for all or that's going to be it!

I hope some of you have read all of this but I could understand if you couldn't be bothered! Please help and give me your opinion.

I've even thought of posting my story up on crowd funding sites such as Kickstarter or Crowdfunder in the hope that a miracle might happen and people might take pity on us and pledge the 300k we need to get out of this mess.

If I could I'd be totally happy to declare bankruptcy, loose the house the car, everything, if it saved our marriage and allowed us to have a child and make my wife happy but I can't bare the thought of loosing my mother in-laws house too! My father in-law would be turning in his grave. That's not an option. I'm truly a decent, honest hard working guy who just wanters to do well for myself and my family but it's all gone badly wrong. What a mess.

Any opinions or advice?

Thanks in advance,
Rob

I am sorry I don't have time to read from where I was last night. I know from my own experience that circumstances and stress can destroy a relationship, but what you seem to have going for you is that you are willing to ask for advice, listen and change things. You did this with advice from your millionaire friend and you are asking here. I hope you find a way through it all.

Most of all, talk to your wife, and indeed your MIL,given that it is her house.

I wouldn't show your wife this thread though, you say some stuff about her physically which may further erode her self-esteem and she might not be happy about you saying on a public forum. Pull out the advice and options and write them down, that might be better.

I still can't work out how much you actually owe

Thanks for all the advice guys. It really has given me some good ideas and how to progress forward.

1. Wife leaves working for business and gets job she hopefully likes. This will help with self esteem.

2. I get fitter and look after myself more to get in a better frame of mind and generally be happier. I think I've got used to being up to my eyes in crap that I have forgotten how to have fun. I'm going to see my doctor and seek some professional help also as I need to leaner how to appreciate what my wife can do rather than what she can't. After all she's ill. It's not her fault.

3. Grovel to wife. Apologise, try and build confidence. Flowers, gifts, meals... just show her I care.

4. Sort out what she really wants to do about kids. Find out whether she's just panicking due to age or whether she really wants them and has been too scared to say due to how I originally felt about kids 7 or 8 years ago.

I'm actually making steps to completely move the business away from home. At the end of the month I'm taking on a small industrial unit as we're running out of space at home and I want to get the office out of the house and just make it a home.

What's done is done and I'm now confident we can fix it. It's not like we've resulted to hating each other or anything like that. We both very much still love each other and the bulk of the time get on fine and can have a nice time together but her feeling of worthlessness is the biggest problem and recently the issue surrounding having children. These both need addressing.

Thanks for all of your help guys. I'm going to leave this thread for now and sort my head out and come up with a plan. You really have all helped greatly and it's very much appreciated. I'll update the thread with the outcome at some point in the future!

Take care,
Rob X

Good luck.

But, if I may say so, if the business is now doing well, it seems mad to sell it, and start building up another business afresh (even if the same business). That is even more upheaval, more of the long slog.

Better then to take more dividends to pay off the mortgage and debts faster.

My MIL invested 50k of her savings. We borrowed 150k against her house on an interest only mortgage. Even though the 50k was an investment and sometimes investments don't work out I still want to pay her the 50k back as well as the 150k. After having a good think last night and today I'll likely get her the 50k together so she can be a bit happier that she has a decent chunk of savings sat in the bank and then maybe look at spreading the mortgage over another 10 years but put it on a repayment mortgage rather than just interest and then I can carry on building our existing business more slowly and I know that in 10 years time she'll definitely own the house again. In the meantime if we make more money I'll pay it off faster.

Had a word with my wife and she's quite keen on everything I've suggested.

Going to also look at bringing someone in to take over my job. Maybe pay them a wage and give them a chunk of the business. Then I should be available to do any looking after babies and such if we choose to go down that route. Any input from the business folk on here on the best way to do this so that the new guy has a vested interest in the business doing well would be very happily received indeed.

If my wife gets a new job elsewhere this will pay a good chunk towards taking on a manager type of person. I'll work along side him and get him up to speed. I have someone in mind already.

I'm definitely in a lot better frame of mind now and have a better idea of how to sort things out.

Bonuses - that's the best way. You've seen the business through the hardest of times, why should you give up equity? Unless it's a small amount, say 10%, but perhaps with a right for you to buy it back if they leave the company.

Use a bonus system so they get a proportion of the profits every 6 months or so, maybe staggered over a few years so that the profit is true profit and not just quick money in but nothing for the next few years. (Ie, 50% of the bonus this 6 months, then 20%, 20%, 10%. The next bit of bonus the same, but the 50% of this bonus would be at the same time as the 20% of the previous bonus, so the potential to increase bonus all the time is there. - If they leave, the bonus remaining will be dependant on the circumstances of their leaving - eg If they leave you up the creek without a paddle you can deduct amounts from their bonus)

The other thing that I thought about later, as I drifted off to sleep, was that you have had a hideously stressful time, crammed into a few short years, and hence have been firefighting rather than looking at the bigger picture. You need to find some time to have a bit of fun together. Your post is so worried and earnest, it is clear that both of you have forgotten to just enjoy each other and laugh at silly stuff. All your twenties have been spent with this horrible burden, your wife has had health issues alongside all the stress, and you both sound maybe rather too inward looking now, possibly out of fear, as circumstances have been so awful. You sound as though you love your wife very much. i am assuming she loves you, she is just ground down by stress. You've been together a while, you've weathered an awful lot together, would be a shame to split now. Life is short, find some joy in things, do things together and separately that will make you properly laugh and realise how lucky you are to have each other to cling to when waters get choppy. I don't know what you like, but go to the circus, dance around the kitchen, have a big snog when you get in from work. Do random silly stuff, and get back to who you were as carefree people, back in your teens.

Yeah well that's why I'm pretty gutted really. We've gone through horrendous times together and actually survived quite well and now it's all starting to come good again we're having a tough time. Its probably because we've actually got time to look at where our lives are heading now whereas before we were so engrossed in surviving a financial disaster we didn't really think about ourselves.

Now it's under control we definitely need to put the business in second place for once and make our relationship number one priority and have some fun.

Take up salsa together. It is fun, might make you laugh. Then go for a coffee/drink/meal after. Treat yourselves!

Or buy bicycles! Get out, fresh air, it will make you fit and healthy together.

Glad to see you have a plan.

My dh is more stressed than ever, as he thought he had put a structure in place prior to finding a job elsewhere, but in reality he works double, as he does work for our business between 8 pm and midnight. Make sure the manager you train is completely up to scratch and able to work independently. For us it is a transition, so I hope it will get better.

I am also doing an MBA, but still involved in our business on a part time basis. I will be "free" to find another job in another year or two. I am not free to find a job elsewhere right now, also for childcare related issues.

I'm glad you've made some progress on this, OP. I have nothing to add regarding the business side of it, but can I make a personal observation, based on my reading of your posts? (Possibly projecting my own situation a little but it might help )

Clearly you are an achievement-driven kind of man. You say you are a risk-taker, and it seems to me that you are that kind of strong leader, driven type of person who is the man in a situation. That's fine, it's who you are and it's doubtless partly what attracted your wife to you in the first place.

BUT you need to be aware how much your personality type is likely to affect your wife's self-esteem. When you talk about your situation, it's all about how you can fix it, you are the lynchpin, the driver. Your staff follow you and you taught them everything you know. You even talk about getting yourself fitter and healthier in order to help fix it. This is not a criticism exactly but it is an observation. You want to rescue the situation, your wife, even your MIL by your own efforts.

But perhaps your wife might need you to stop rescuing her. She might need to you to temporarily relinquish the role of being THE MAN so the two of you can be more of a team. I don't have the business insight to say what is the best course of action, but from a personal point of view, consider this: If you work your arse off for next 4 years and it pays off handsomely, you've asked her to sit and wait patiently maybe fitting in her own career aims around yours while you heroically pull the situation round. You must see that your wife pays a price in terms of self-esteem and feeling like the driver in her own life. It is not the same at all to say "I'm doing everything I can so my wife can find something better suited to her" because she still has to fit round you and your desire to achieve and succeed and make everything right.

Have you told your wife how much you love her? You sound like a really strong couple & I hope you get through this together

I think you need to slowly find the sums to migrate the 300k from your business back into the mother-in-law's. This is NOT a great thing that you did, and the fact that your wife have stood by you, is indeed admirable. If you can find a way to get a bank loan, or some form of angel investment or whatever, and buy your mother-in-law's share out This would be good. Then also slowly ask your wife to find a full time job which she is happy in. This is also a second good step. Cos at least she may be protected by maternity leaves and things like that as well. Just cut down on overall spending, and cruise the period to save something to have a baby with. If her mom is still kind of able, she may be able to help a little bit with the baby, whilst you can still try and deal with the business aspect, and just cruise it for a little while.

A business is not a business if you are living and cruising it on loans. It means that the business model is not workable. Do not get dragged into this thinking. I also recently had to collapse my own IT consultancy too. (My health was suffering too.) Know when to back out of something when it is not working and not feasible. You only have one life.

She sounds hard work. LTB.