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Relationships

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Original poster

Why am I angry?

20 replies

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 19:39

DH has a new job. It's a brilliant job, more money, benefits, great for his career & we were both really happy about it.

He has to travel a lot and all is well when he's away. When he gets back he does my head in. After he's been back a few hours, I can't stand it and I'm picking fights with him over things that are silly & petty but are really pissing me off.

Also, when he isn't travelling, he works from home. I asked him if he could watch the children while I went to the shop this morning but he wouldn't, well he wouldn't do it my way and go & sit with them for 15 mins while they watched television. I had to take them with me in the end & it took me 45 mins there & back.

I don't really thing these small issues are why I'm so angry with him all the time, he hasn't changed - he's always been this way so why do I keep starting arguments all the time? He says I'm adding to the stress (so does MIL) and I kind of know I am but I'm always pissed off with him.

I'm on antidepressants at the moment too so I am am less agitated with myself & the DC but not him... anyone know what's going on here?

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2014 19:42

A quick question, why was it essential that he cared for his children "your way"?
I have lots of acquaintances who try and control their dp/dh in terms of childcare...I tend to let dh get on with things "his way" and as he is generally a decent dad and partner, it is ok.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2014 19:44

Do you like to be in control in other ways? For example with the housework? It can be difficult to live with someone who insists that only one way is right. Do you trust mil, do you have a good relationship with her?

Logg1e · 08/04/2014 19:48

OP I'm picking fights with him over things that are silly & petty but are really pissing me off.

A) How does he react?

B) How do you want him to react?

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 19:52

Maybe a bit but only with the children. He's the controlling one in absolutely everything else.

He wanted to leave them downstairs while he worked upstairs & he'd 'listen' - which he wouldn't. There's ant powder in the kitchen, DS1 can open the front door, I had an accident with the kettle this week & now I'm on edge but he wouldn't come downstairs & sit with them (with his laptop to carry on working ffs) but I'm not sure this is the issue...

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 08/04/2014 19:54

If he's working from home, he is working. You wouldn't take the children to his office for him to watch whilst you went shopping, so I do think you were unreasonable about that.

Adding to the stress - what does this mean. What stress are you/he already under?

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 19:54

No mil has been a martyr to her husband & his career all her life & she's insisting I do the same & calls it 'supporting him'. Well I'm sorry, I support him in my own way but not her way. She makes out as if she's on his side against me - me & DH should be a team & not really her business.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/04/2014 19:55

Are you actually happy with him, happy with your relationship together in terms of supporting one another and you both having equal leisure time (obviously over several weeks if he works away a lot?)

It sounds as though there is resentment there for a reason..

Workaholic, you & the dc always come last?

MajesticWhine · 08/04/2014 19:55

It's the new job. Either you are secretly (unconsciously) resentful of his success, but you are suppressing this feeling, because it seems unacceptable, or perhaps you don't really like him being away so much and leaving you coping on your own. Ok, you cope very well on your own, and "all is well", but perhaps you have the burden of the children and it's quite hard work. You don't acknowledge this or complain about him being away, as that seems unreasonable and ungrateful, so you pick fights about other things to express your resentment.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/04/2014 19:56

Hmm, "he is the controlling one in absolutely everything else"
Not surprised you feel angry.

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 19:59

He means the stress of having his new dream new job...

He has work to do but can do it any time he likes, he could spare 15 mins.

His career has always been important & maybe because I'm a SAHM & have never had one? IDK if it's that either...

OP posts:

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 20:01

Maybe Majestic - it is difficult on my own but I know loads of single parents who do it all the time AND they do it well so I can't complain about that.

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 08/04/2014 20:04

Perhaps it is because your contribution as a SAHM is not valued, and it's all about him and his successful job. And he won't even watch the DC for 15 minutes because he's so damned important. Now your workload has effectively increased because he is away more, but you just have to get on with it. No pay rise, bonus or increased esteem. Makes sense that you would be resentful.

RandomMess · 08/04/2014 20:05

YA - BUT you are not a single parent so you shouldn't have to do it on their own...

That is the whole point, you are a partnership and support should go both ways.

If you were single you wouldn't have the resentment of giving someone your all and getting nothing in return...

Fairenuff · 08/04/2014 20:10

How can his dream job be stressful? That doesn't sound like a dream.

Anyway, if he can work 'whenever he likes' I think you should sit down together and work out a timetable that gives you both this:

Time to yourself to do as you please
Time to spend together, without the children
Time to spend together with the children, doing family activities

These are the things that make people happy, not salaries and careers.

BluebellTuesday · 08/04/2014 21:00

Oh bless you, you sound so fed up. Are you pretty much coping with dc on your own, even when he is there? You should not be comparing yourself to a single parent, you are supposed to be a partnership. What help/support do you have? And why is your MIL commenting (none of her business!!)

In what ways is he controlling? Do you mean about things having to be a certain way? Or who you see? Can you give some examples?

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 22:51

It's not difficult as such, it's lonely, frustrating, a bit tedious & monotonous. DS1 has Asperger's & I find his behaviour challenging sometimes. DS2 is clingy & at the moment he's VERY whiny and demanding. I feel like I'm complaining about them but the truth is, when he's not here it's fine. I quite like my evenings alone reading & wearing crappy pjs with my hair up & face covered in cream.

And I miss him. I LIKE missing him, it reminds me that I love him.

I honestly don't know why he irritates me so much.

So far I thing majestic has been nearest to the mark but I've always felt under appreciated not just with this new job. I think some men (inc those in DH's family) have a 'woman's work' idea in their minds & there's no room for respect with that mentality... I thought this shift would help & I'd have more freedom in some senses.

OP posts:

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 23:01

bluebell I have quite a lot of support, my family are nearby anf scan babysit/help me out when they need to. MIL has always said that I have to 'support my husband' and give them the freedom to do well, earn the big money & work their way up. It's not my mentality, I value success to a certain extent but not to the detriment of your family.

The way she talks is that she was pretty miserable for a large part of her life when her children were small & I don't think that's acceptable. Certainly not for me anyway. Like fairenuff says, it isn't the material stuff that makes people happy but it seems like to them it does.

OP posts:

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 08/04/2014 23:02

I have messed up the tenses of the previous posts because I have had 2 glasses of wine. Sorry.

OP posts:

mylifeagain · 08/04/2014 23:53

I appreciate you might not want to hear this but I work from home a lot (single mum) and it drives me mad when my kids expect me to pick them up and drop them off wherever and whatever time...they couldn't do that if I was in the office...and often i say no...i have work to do! If I was you I wouldn't even think that he was home...pretend he's at the office out might make it easier for everyone?

Fairenuff · 09/04/2014 00:05

It doesn't matter what your MIL thinks/says, it's your dh you need to discuss this with. How does he feel about it, does he agree that you make a valuable contribution to the household?

If he had to pay you for everything you do, you would probably earn more than him anyway. Childcare 24/7, personal shopper, cook, cleaner, laundress, gardener, etc. It all adds up and to do it round the clock he would have to pay three people to cover the three 8 hour shifts.

Either he acknowledges your personal value and helps to make whatever changes you both agree on, or he starts paying you wages and realises your financial worth.

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