How do you find forgiveness?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I am trying to forgive some people who used to be in my life. One was an seriously abusive ex who nearly ruined me and certainly buggered up my path in life.

Most of all, (and this is the hardest bit), I need to forgive myself for allowing the above to happen.
How does one forgive the unforgivable and find peace?

Why should you forgive him? Move forwards by all means but I think forgiving people who have harmed you is unrealistic. Next thing you'll be beating yourself up for your poor forgiveness skills!

As for yourself, finding peace must be your aim. I'm having counselling around this. It's hard. I'm not sure it can happen but it definitely can't stay locked up inside. Talking to friends is fine if you can but not the same as a trained therapist. I'm starting to think I might need support for a very long time due to the harm I've suffered.

Forgiving the perpetrator is not even on my agenda. Stopping intrusive thoughts about him is.

Good luck and take care.x

What are your beliefs around forgiveness OP?

Thanks for the replies. I think maybe my beliefs around forgiveness are that some people don't deserve it but the hurt they cause you is worse than the hurt that they themselves feel so best find peace with it. Am going for counselling soon I hope!

Reading your words I started to wonder, "so more along the lines of you coming to terms and finding peace as opposed to giving him forgiveness?".

I agree with matildathecat. I am having therapy currently following abuse, but have no plans to forgive the abuser! It's kind of the opposite with me though in that I find it hard to get angry about it and feel like I 'deserve' not to have been abused in the first place.

I agree with what you say about trying to forgive yourself though, I also find that the hardest part.

Good luck with the counselling.

Some people are just plain evil.

I don't think you need forgive others at all. With the benefit of time and distance you may one day find that the events of the past don't matter so much to you, and you may not feel quite so angry towards the person that harmed you, but I don't think there's any obligation to consciously forgive. Leave that to religious types... :)

Always forgive yourself OTOH. Regrets are just a glorified version of crying over spilt milk i.e. totally pointless and achieve nothing useful. Best to learn from your mistakes rather than being hamstrung by them. Go forward older and wiser and you gain something, even from a bad experience.