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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD move in after 3 months

23 replies

Snailspeed · 08/04/2014 17:53

Nc because I know this is ridiculous. So I have dd 3, boyfriend has ds 4 (both resident parents). We are in love I have never been happier. Girls love spending time together. Spending time together is a logistical nightmare due to childcare issues on both sides. We want to get somewhere together or him move in with me and rent his out. We are mental, yes? Anyone done this, maybe not so soon and it worked out beautifully?

OP posts:

OddFodd · 08/04/2014 17:56

You don't know someone after 3 months and you shouldn't have introduced your children. I think you're both being very selfish. Sorry I know that's hard but I do.

Phalenopsis · 08/04/2014 17:58

Three months is far too soon especially with children involved. I don't believe you know each other at all yet. You're still in the honeymoon phase, seeing all the good points.

If your relationship is meant to last then you'll find a way round spending time together. Jumping in like this won't help anyone in the long run I fear.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2014 17:58

Sorry yes you are being a fool - but what is worse is that you are gambling with your DC's happiness. You do not know this man after 3 months. Change down a gear and think.

Minty82 · 08/04/2014 18:00

DH and I moved in together after three months and eight years later have been married five years and are very happy BUT...there were no kids involved. I'd be very very cautious in your situation.

Original poster

Snailspeed · 08/04/2014 18:01

Thank you, I knew I could trust relationships. I will hand myself a grip and change gear.
Don't agree re introducing kids btw, my dc meets a lot of my friends. We don't kiss and cuddle in front of her so for all intents and purposes it's just another play date

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 08/04/2014 18:07

Glad to hear you're listening to reason- there are yogurts in my fridge older than three months. If it's The Real Thing waiting a while (like a year, at least) won't matter, but if things don't work out it'll be doubly confusing for your DD if they've moved in.

Thislife · 08/04/2014 18:13

You are at the stage where you want to be together all the time. Odds are that will change as time goes on. Give it a good year before you start making serious plans I would say.

I have been in your position myself and 10 months in I am having to back off now the honeymoon period is over and I am so relieved that we didn't do anything daft like move in together.

Handywoman · 08/04/2014 18:29

Indeed you are mental for thinking this, yes. It's great that you are in love and want to spend all your time together. But ... you barely know each other.

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/04/2014 18:41

No. Just no.

FracturedViewOfLife · 08/04/2014 18:54

I moved in with DP after 3 months but my shit rental was up and I was 21 with no responsibilities. I was fully prepared for it not working out and had somewhere lined up for if it all went wrong. It was stupid but luckily it worked out.

There is no way I would have even considered it if children were involved.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 18:57

I think you have made the right choice. When there are children involved, you have an obligation to be far more cautious than you might otherwise decide to be.

I married a man 3 months after I met him, never mind moved in with him (I did that the day I met him! )

Would I have done that had I children? hell no.

You are doing the right thing.

CarryOnDancing · 08/04/2014 19:55

Delaying things is definitely the best decision. 3 months isn't enough time even if kids weren't involved but it sounds like so far your children have actually been involved in your early dates. You need to know each other more before introducing the children, you especially don't want play dates to be actual dates.

It's tough when you are excited at the start of a relationship but you really do have an obligation to the children to be concrete certain about this person before sharing your heart and your children's lives with him.

Needadvice5 · 08/04/2014 20:03

My dc didn't even know about my dp after 6 months never mind 3!

anniepanniepears · 08/04/2014 20:12

I moved in with my then boyfriend after six weeks
we have now been married for 25 years,
the difference is we had no children to consider all those years ago

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 08/04/2014 20:13

I was about to say go for it from the title, you only live once etc but I'm afraid when kids there are involved you have to be boring and sensible.

Hissy · 08/04/2014 20:18

It's not about 'boring and sensible' it's about being responsible for your DC!

You don't know him, he doesn't know you, your dc shouldn't know him at all yet.

Calm down! If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Hissy · 08/04/2014 20:20

Don't kid yourselves with the 'glorified play date' crap either OP.

If you split, the dc lose a friend, without understanding why. Back the hell off, scale back mixing them all up, get babysitters and date!

Being a blended family is too much like drudge, this is the time you ought to be keeping yourselves to yourselves! Enjoy the couple stuff, cos it's the very foundation of what will see you through long term.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/04/2014 20:21

You can't possibly know somebody after such a short time and there really is no rush.
There's no way I would have introduced him to my dc at this stage, they should come first.
I too moved in straight away with dh and we have been married 22 years together 25, but we didn't have dc neither.

MoonshineWashingLine · 08/04/2014 20:27

No no no no and no, definitely not, never ever ever! I thought I knew my ex-p after 3 months and we v nearly moved in together but left it till we'd been together one year. It turns out I didn't really know him after 3 years, let alone 3 months!

You probably know its silly deep down which is why you posted on here in the first place :)

I also have a male friend who is a serial 'early mover-in' and he has had loads of failed relationships with nut jobs!

LineRunner · 08/04/2014 20:51

I guess the remaining question is, how do you get to spend more time with your boyfriend/OH, in a way that doesn't disadvantage your DCs. Because they are so young it really is difficult without Exes and family helping out.

And you still need to be patient. But that will pay off in the end if this is meant to be.

TippiShagpile · 08/04/2014 20:54

If you didn't have kids then I'd say crack on (I moved in with dh after 5 weeks and have been very very happily married to him for 12 wonderful years now).

But having children changes everything.

Original poster

Snailspeed · 08/04/2014 22:54

I was with ex for 10+ years before having dc. Did everything the sensible way house, marriage, baby. Still ended up feeling I didn't really know him, so part of me feels you never really know. I was 100% confident in my marriage until it went tits up!
I won't be moving in with him yet, but still have no problem having him around dc. Friendship groups change and evolve regularly I think especially play date friends. We definitely have constants but have had people from various baby groups etc drift in and out of our lives. I don't think that is detrimental to children. We do get to 'date' regularly, probably more than couples with kids together as both dc do have other parents. It just doesn't feel enough at this stage. I'm sure things will settle done soon.

OP posts:

Sassy777 · 08/04/2014 23:25

I agree with everyone else. I am also on the other side of things. My husband left me and 3 kids to be with the ow. He met her kids straightaway (then aged 7 and 9) and moved in with her a month later. I had endless arguments over him introducing our 3 kids to her and hers... But he still did it, 7 weeks after leaving us!

If it was me, I'd enjoy the early stages of the relationship, going for dates and maybe weekends away, without the kids! Keep those 2 lives separate for a while... Don't get bogged down in normal boring life too soon!

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