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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

no contact is tough when all you want is to contact

8 replies

middleagecrisis · 08/04/2014 15:34

Debated writing this as it seems so real now.
have asked advice before and had tried to discuss with partner,but it has just got to the point where it wore me down. I had to finally tell him he had choices to make in his life and i wouldn't be in touch. (we don't live together)
have been together for good few years, a broken man when i met him from previous relationships. I was wary i could never change him and told him i wouldn't but would let him see how he could have a kind,honest,trustworthy woman. I fulfilled that in everything i did for him. But he had skeletons that at times would come out.
had so many ups and downs but always got through. but in last two years a career change has made him v depressed and fed up. I have supported him and tried to keep his spirits up. but recently he has lied about something he felt he couldn't tell me because it would upset me. so i told him always tell me, give me that decision and be honest. I would always discuss with him rationally as we overall had great communication. But he lied again last weekend and i just couldn't forgive him. I knew he was lying and just told him that and that i couldn't handle this anymore. If he had told the truth i would have been fine. but i can't stand the lies.
coupled with his complete focus on his career change which i get put to the bottom of the list and his negative attitude and lack of appreciation for all that i do... i stopped communicating. it has been two days now. I will stick with this n/c but it's a killer. I just want him to wake up and realise how much i have done for him and how his behaviour was damaging us.
But i know he wont' he'll sulk and blame me. so sad to have lost something that i worked hard for and got through hard times where his career change has put so much pressure on us. we were nearly there but i just had enough. i'm dissapointed in myself i didn't stick it out. but i'm so angry with him for taking me for granted.
i miss him terribly but i won't contact him. i look at my phone every hr hoping he has had a moment of clarity and in a movie like scene he will text an apology or beg forgiveness but i know that won't happen. he's angry that he thinks i have left him and for no 'good reason'. Left him when he needed me to support him during the last few months of career change.
i am analysing everything and blaming myself for not being even better (could i have looked different, could i have bitten tongue when he was selfish and self centrered) i know it's stupid but i can't help it.
an ending of a relationship you wanted to work seems like such a failure in my book. i know this is just words on a page for some, another woman let down by a man. but to me it's a life i wanted with someone and i'm so sad it has come to this. But i deserve to be treated well.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 08/04/2014 15:39

So sad, it is a tragedy for all involved. You invested all but it was neither reciprocated nor appreciated. He has lost a valuable relationship and has learnt nothing. So sad, I hope you go on to find another form of happiness which buoys you up in return. Once your heart is hurting less, you may find you have more energy as this sort of situation is very draining on your own emotional resources. Good luck and I hope you have someone who can give you some tlc at this difficult time. Thanks

bogroll · 08/04/2014 15:50

I can vouch for how tough 'No contact' is, though I come at it from the point of view of someone who has been dumped. All I can see is that the longer you stick with it the easier it gets. I've been 'No Contact' for 3 months now. Though you were the one who did the dumping, if your reasons to him for ending it were clear and you've intimated that you would consider reconcilling if he were to change a few things, then the ball is very firmly in his court.

bogroll · 08/04/2014 15:52

On reflection, sorry for using the work 'dumping'. It is a horrible and demeaning way of describing what may have been a well thought out and compassionate ending to the relationship by yourself.

JennerOSity · 08/04/2014 16:01

Incidentally don't beat yourself up for 'failure' it was he who didn't have what it took not you. It isn't a failure to hope for more only to find that the reality didn't match the potential. Hindsight is a cruel thing sometimes. Chin up - you are doing a strong thing facing a hard truth. Award yourself something which will take your mind off it, go and fly a kite, or have see a matinee show - something out of your normal routine which will distract you a little and put a smile on your face.

Jan45 · 08/04/2014 16:03

He'll blame you even though he is the one who is lying, even though you have been the one constant in his life, giving him unmeasurable support in all that he does, seriously, what a waste of your time, he won't change, you can't change him, he's inherently selfish.

If you want a chance of a happier life with someone who can be your equal, keep busy as much as poss and please just give it a bit more time, you will be surprised how clearly things will become with a bit more of it. A relationship shouldn't be as much hard work as you have described.

georgiestears · 08/04/2014 16:03

I am going through no contact myself right now and have got to the point where I don't want him to call or text and that's when it becomes a relief. In a way that person's affection becomes like an addiction and you are desperate from any crumbs they throw at you. If you go cold turkey, the craving goes away. it's a bit like stopping smoking so persevere.

The few things that made me feel better were:

  1. Joining a few dating websites - not to actually date but just to have
a few message to build your confidence back and also to distract you a bit.
  1. Making a list of all the negatives about my ex and reading it every day (it does actually help pain them in a less attractive light)
  1. Making a list of all the things I want to achieve in the next year (someone on MN suggested this and it made me feel great).
  1. Making a list of all the great things about you.

There are lots of other things that help, like going out and exercising but I know when you feel so emotional it is easier said than done.

One thing I would say is that some people are capable of lying to those closest to them and others aren't. If he is a liar, he will always be one. That means if you have a life with him, you won't be able to believe what he says to you.

I know what it feels like to be let down - but at the end of the day the cliché that you are worth more is actually true.

You don't lie do you? Don't you think you want someone more like yourself? Of better character.

I can't abide by lying and I let my ex get away with it too. Always wanted to believe the best of him which is my nature but in doing so I missed a lot of glaring red flags

JennerOSity · 08/04/2014 16:10

It is true that the quality of your life cannot exceed the quality of your life partner and it is much easier to drag someone down than haul someone up. So a long look at this guy in the cold light of day may leave you feeling that you want your life to be better than he is going to make possible. Keeping that in mind may help and georgies advice is spot on

bogroll · 08/04/2014 16:23

One of the things my ex accused me of was lying and it was such a bizarre, inconsequential lie I was supposed to have told, one that there would not even be any point in telling. It was actually ridiculous and at first I thought he was just winding me up. It involved me telling him I'd said hello to a mutual friend some months before. He brought it back up months later saying I'd told him it was someone different then the person in original anecdote. No matter what I said he wouldn't have it and accused me of being a liar. I wasn't lying at all, but In the end he seemed so convinced, threatening to end relationship over it, that I started to believe it myself.
Sorry, going off on a bit of a tangent and not trying to compare your situation with mine, but the issue of lying in a relationship reminded me of it.

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