Managing OH's finances

[seabream]

My OH is a problem gambler and I manage his money for him. This brings its own issues, as I have to tread carefully to avoid being seen as controlling, and although he has asked me to do this, he can use it against me on occasion. I give him money when he needs it, and it is always quite fraught, as he's supposed to account for what he spends but asking him is hard without causing resentment. I am not yet able to trust him, but equally if he feels mistrusted he is likely to say "fuck it" and relapse. Is anyone else in this position, and how do you deal with it? It feels so strange to realise that I'll never get a surprise present, or a meal out as a treat. But I'd rather that than gambling.

Sorry OP but he shouldn't be using anything against you, he's very lucky indeed that you are standing by him and supporting him, does he think you enjoy playing mother???

Why would you trust him, he needs to earn it, how long has this been going on? Tbh, I couldn't be arsed having to police my partner in this way, I hope he's worth the trouble.

When he's not gambling he's a wonderful person. But he's struggling with the aftermath of battling an addiction. I think he feels resentment because he's chosen me and us over something that has taken up a huge part of his life, but sometimes he forgets the damage it inflicted.
Its worth the trouble because we love each other, but there are always lines in the sand, and if he gambles again or lies to me it will be over.
As for the rest, I suppose we work through it, but I'd love to hear any advice or insight.

If I had decided to do what you are doing I wouldn't give him any leeway whatsoever, if anyone should feel resentful it should be you more than him, he's fucked about with you and the families finances and no doubt told you plenty of lies along the road.

Saying that, I don't see this arrangement working either, esp if he's angry already about it, maybe you need to give him that trust and not mother him in this way and let him show you without you having to control him that he can and does want a future with you.

He feels resentment because, despite what he's saying, he sees you as the killjoy standing between him and his real love. It is not the aftermath of an addiction, it's addiction. Please understand that. He's looking for any excuse to relapse and, by being the one holding the purse-strings, you are the target and the handiest one to blame. I've been where you are - acting as policeman on someone else's addiction, believing I was doing it out of mutual love - and it was a thankless and futile task that was ultimately thrown back in my face.

He should be able to have money and not gamble it away of his own volition. You don't trust him, he resents you, he will relapse and quite honestly I would save yourself a lot of time and bother. Cut your losses.

This is not the way to beat an addiction. He needs to address it himself. All your doing is keeping a lid on it while the pressure builds. It won't work.
Tell him he needs to sort it himself. If he won't then get the fuck out.

Thanks for your trenchant advice. I think that you are all correct, but, this is the path suggested by the gamcare counsellor, who seemed to imply that he might never be able to have his own money again. Has this actually worked for anyone? I was so relieved when he agreed to this and admitted his problem that I didn't look at the pitfalls ahead. Shit.