PIL perception of me

[mermaid101]

I've been married for 3 years and with my DH for about 7years. We have one DC who is two and another on the way due in the summer.

For a while now, it has become apparent to me that my in laws (M I L, F I L and B I L) do not feel particularly positive towards me. My feeling, based on numerous minor (but fairly hurtful) nasty / passive aggressive comments and their complete lack of interest in me. This is something I find moderately upsetting because I feel their feelings are unfair and that they don't really have any basis in reality. They appear to think I am snobbish, stuck up and lazy. As far as I am aware I haven't done/said anything to confirm this; I am always pleasant and polite and appear pleased to see them .

However, recently we were invited to a family function. I told my husband that I was more than happy to go but if he wanted to stay very late and get quite drunk I would prefer not to go and would be more than happy for him to go himself. He has now told the family member organising the event we are not going because I don't feel up to it as I am pregnant. I am really annoyed and upset with him and feel that this will give his family even more reason to be hostile towards me. He says I am over reacting and that they completely understand.
What should I do? I feel sure at some point someone will make a comment to me or directed at me which makes it clear they think I was beeing very precious/ lazy/ not making an effort. I want to explain that what my husband said was simply not true but font want to drop him in it. I'm also a bit annoyed as, on reflection, he has done things like this before and will probably continue to go them because he disagrees that his family hold this opinion of me. Given their behaviour, I cannot understand how he can fail to recognise it.
Any thoughts/ advice?

The way I see it is that, if people aren't being very nice to you, you've got a few choices. Confront, ignore or avoid. As I don't think you can avoid in-laws successfully and ignoring them simply makes you resentful I would suggest you confront all these examples of nasty remarks as and when they happen. Don't rely on your DH to go into bat on your behalf but tell him that, when you stand up for yourself, you expect his full support.

Does he not hear the nasty comments that he doesn't believe you? I know some people are very adept at seeming to be pleasant on the surface whilst being quite bitchy at the same time. Are they not very overt about it?

As for the family function and DH telling a white lie to get you both out of attending, I think he's probably done you a favour.

Congrats on your pregnancy :)

He is recognising it but probably ignoring it for an easy life. He still gets to be the Golden Boy in their eyes & by ignoring it you don't blame him either. He's keeping the status quo as it is because it suits him.

One small thing & could probably just be the effect of reading it on a screen but :

I am always pleasant and polite and appear pleased to see them .

Could it be that you're not as sincere as you think & that they know its all a pretence & you're not really happy to see them? This would cause bad feeling & while its not your fault (you would be happy to see them if they weren't arses) perhaps this is where the stuck up etc come from?

Id someone asks you about the function & implies that you are precious or lazy, just tell them the truth - that your DH could have gone by himself & you had no objection to that. Deal with the remarks on an as-they-happen basis.

Have they been like this for the whole 7 years or has something happened that you can pinpoint where they decided to not like you?

How many other things has he blamed ypu for or used you as an excuse to avoid? Could that be a contributing factor in how the in laws feel?

A lot of what you say resonates with me. I used to get on OK with my PIL, it was clear we had some very different views on things but it was easy(ish) to gloss over these at the early stages of DH and my relationship. In recent years - especially since we've had DC - it's become clear they actually don't like me much, and I'm undermined at every turn. Them thinking I am 'stuck up' or snobbish about things is one reason, but also they have no respect for how I want to bring up my DCs (I BF, refuse to CIO, took full mat leave - all deemed overly precious and PFB ). Comments are usually made when DH is not there and he also tends to deny there's a problem (he just doesn't want the hassle of any conflict) although MIL said something really out of line last time and he now does concede.

I used to devote hours being upset about it all, but I've stopped. I used to want DH to talk to them and defend me, but I've realised it actually isn't going to change no matter what I do. It still upsets me but I've decided I don't care what they think of me so I politely ignore or say 'oh, do you really think so?' and change the subject. I try to see it like having annoying colleagues - they may get on your tits but you're not going to quit your job or try to have them sacked just have a good bitch to your friends

I think you may be a little bit guilty of over thinking the party thing (no criticism, I can get myself very riled with 'what if?' scenarios with the PIL. Your DH declined, not you, so if anything is said you have your answer. Making a pre-emptive statement might make you look a bit of a loon hormonal...

I feel your pain, though

Same here OP. It like an inverse snobbery thing. My PIL don't like me because I'm not exactly like them or SILs or BILs. For one thing, I'm not a local, for another I went to a private school and have a good job. I'm equally pleasant and polite and pretend to ignore their rude comments, clearly designed to rile me.

You know what though? I have loads of friends and an active social life outwith the family unit. They spend all their time hanging around PIL house, waiting for their inheritance. I'm pleasant and polite and see them 3 or 4 times a year. The difference being, DH is happy with this too. If my DH wasn't with me on this one, I don't think I could put up with it! Good luck!

"He has now told the family member organising the event we are not going because I don't feel up to it as I am pregnant."

Did he not want to go then?

Surely you could both have gone & not stayed late/got drunk?

It doesn't have to be one or another!

Is there any chance that their opinion of you somehow comes from your husband?

I would have pregnancy brain and accidentally forget that DH has replied to the invite. I would reply officially on his behalf and include FIL.

' thank you for your invite. It's sounds like a lovely celebration. I've left the decision firmly in DH's hands with the suggested that either we both attend and leave early evening or DH stays really late but attends alone as my stamina is a bit low.

Thanks so much for all these replies. And the reassurances. I think that there is a pretty good chance that although I am always "pleasant and polite" it is coming across as a bit forced and/or false. I just find it very difficult to be genuinely warm and relaxed around them because of the way I feel they treat me and feel towards me. It is, to my mind anyway, very much the "inverse snobbery" situation other posters have mentioned.

Someone else asked if there was a particular incident and I think there was although it is very strange. My mum took my sister and me on holiday about six years ago. My DH ( then my live in boyfriend) was invited to come too, as was my bil. They both chose not to come, which was totally fine although my mum would have loved it if they could have joined us. She was happily paying for the holiday for everyone. When I got back felt a noticeable change of atmosphere with my in laws. Since then, there have been several situations, including our wedding, which I know they have been really annoyed about.

They are quite underhand about the comments they make and if I point them out to my DH he acts surprised and takes them completely on face value. I am certain they are not meant this way. They also can be quite hurtful by omission and some of the things they don't ask/ say are, as far as I am concerned, quite out of order

I think I am overthinking the party thing and, on reflection, will come across as slightly deranged if I bring up his excuse quite unprompted! Thanks for that very tactful steer Op! However I just feel so frustrated that, given the circumstances, my DH not only is not trying to alleviate the situation, he is, to my mind, contributing to it. I do think that this sort of thing has happened more than I might imagine and it is very likely that this is contributing to their opinion of me. For the record my DH can't really be bothered to go and is quite happy to have an excuse. It's not an exclusive family thing and I would have probably quite enjoyed it.

The massive irony is that I have virtually no family of my own and would have warmly welcomed any sort of positive relationship with my in laws. .

Thanks again for all the responses.