What do I do?

[MrsBryan]

I have been married for 4 years, I am 30 years old, DH and I were together for 5 years before we married.

Sex has never been good, I have always wanted to have more sex than him and to build up trust and experiences together, he says that me telling him what I liked at the start of our relationship has ruined sex for him and he never wants to have it. I have put on a considerable amount of weight (from a size 10/12 to a size 20/22) since we have been together.

We have two young children.

I've tried really hard to make our sex life good, I've lost weight and then promptly put it back on again, I've tried to mix things up and what not but to no avail, sick of rejection I have told him we won't be having sex anymore and then for a couple of weeks/a month he has tried to improve things but its just slipped back into the same old story.

We've not had sex now for 2.5 months, usually when I am ovulating (which I am now) I am really keen for it and usually he obliges me once or twice in that few days. Thing is, I am ovulating now and I feel absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever, sleeping with him is of no interest to me and I can feel the words catch in my throat when I say 'I love you'

I lie in bed sometimes and dream of another man, not any particular man just someone who might find me attractive and want to have that connection with me that you get from regular sex but it always ends with the dreaded realisation that such a man doesn't exist, that I am married and this is my lot. What scares me is that now I feel nothing for him, not rejection or resentment at the lack of sex or fear at being without him, I just feel nothing and I certainly don't want to have sex with him. About a month ago he did try but even him kissing me didn't feel passionate it felt weird and then he farted while I was giving him a blow job (sorry for too much information) and I thought that the cat had an accident in the room or something, it was just such a complete disaster and we didn't finish.

I suppose I know that this relationship is doomed, my heart does understand that but my head is saying that we have a nice home and family and we support each other in so many other ways, plus I know its unlikely I will find another man so why give up what I have got?

So confused and lost.

Could you elaborate on how you telling him what you like has turned him off?

What a selfish bastard. And terrible lover.

Well he was just very clumsy when we first got together and he would hurt me sometimes, so I would explain what I liked for him to do, I've always asked him to tell me what he likes but he never really has other than one or two very direct things.

Things like telling him if he was hurting me with his tongue or what not. It sounds really weird but he has never kissed my body. I can understand why he wouldn't want to now because I am so fat but even then, he was never interested in my body only in that one area so we will often have sex with clothes on or whatever, he just goes straight there so there isn't much time for me to get excited. The fun has sort of been sapped out of sex for me and I don't think I will ever get it back, I know I won't get it back with him because I have allowed myself to learn to trust him again so many times and it always just ends the same way. I am feeling heartbroken and lost and like I am not at all sexual even though that is a huge part of me and I have cried at him at how I am losing that and how scary it is.

sorry for babbling.

I think he would be a nice lover if he took the time and perhaps he would do that more if he had a nice body/person he loved to do that with? I can't write him off but at the same time I am so utterly bereft of feelings for myself, I know its a lot of information but when I masturbate now I think of other men and of how I might be out one day and someone might approach me and show me some attention and we might just have that spark together and he might want me, I let myself get excited and then I realise that I will never have that in my whole life and it feels like a ton of bricks hits my chest knowing that this is it.

I get that all the time so I am barely ever intimate with myself anymore, it is too painful.

Someone more wise than me will come along, but I've got to tell you this.

This isn't about your body. Fat or thin. Don't accept 'I can understand that he doesn't kiss me because now I'm fat'.

You're better than that. My own mother is a size 24 and my dad loves her now more than ever, despite being a twelve when they got married 30+ years ago.

I myself have had incredible, passionate relationships with overweight men. Of course, weight is better for your health, but being fat is not a reason to accept poor treatment, or not to be loved.

He's blaming you for his own failings. He's proven selfish and lazy. I'm not surprised you no longer wants to have sex with someone who doesn't care if he hurts you or not.

Why on earth would you not find another man? You only think that because your self esteem has taken a battering. And to be honest, I'd rather be on my own than live like that.

Well not just that. I am obviously very overweight so I doubt I will find it easier to find a lover but being on my own is sounding pretty attractive