Feel so resentful at how DH's new job is affecting us financially

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

My DH has changed job a couple of times. On one occasion, he did it without consulting me (this was years ago before we were married) and it affected our bottom line enormously - he was earning nearly half of what he had before and we had to struggle to rebalance our finances. The second time, he was very unhappy and made the change with my blessing - again, it affected us enormously financially but emotionally, it was the right decision.

He was recently given a compromise agreement to leave his previous role (he'd not done anything wrong, just had his cards marked by a horrid CEO). He then took a role paying half of what he was previously on and as we have to very carefully balance finances (I work full-time too), I said that he'd need to use the money given to him to prop up our finances until he got the increase he was told is coming in this new role.

Come February, he's super short on cash as usual and so I tell him to use some more of his compromise agreement money. He then tells me that he'd been playing the stock market on it and as it had dropped in value by 25%, he couldn't move it without losing a big amount of money. I was pretty furious that he'd gambled money he could ill afford to lose and told him as much. We got over it and decided that we'd grit our teeth until this flipping increase came in.

He told me a couple of days ago, that the increase is not going to be what he thought it would be and that he was glad that I was changing jobs (I'm going part-time but with the reduction in childcare, we'll be a little better off) as it would rebalance the finances. I feel horribly unreasonable about this but I'm so sick of him making choices that see him right, but that don't allow us to enjoy a good lifestyle.

What has made me so cross this morning is that I was going to go to Ikea to get a few cheapie bits (I recently got a small bonus from work) for the kids rooms and when I went into the joint account to double check what is available, saw that his job had contributed SO little to the joint account, that my bonus has now gone!

We do work as a team and I do love him but I'm just feeling so fed up at being the fallback and not getting to enjoy the benefits of our hard work. Feel free to flame me but I'm just really fed up.

Additionally, I have a bit of debt that I am fully managing myself - never missed a payment, have a decent credit score, always pay the bills etc. Much of this was accrued when he was not working, having been made redundant and tried to start his own business. It didn't bring in much at all and I had to borrow to try to keep us on an even keel. Until recently, when I really showed me teeth, he tries to go on at me about it saying that I was irresponsible etc.

He isn't treating you as a full partner, is he?

And it's been going on for years (since before you married and he changed jobs without even mentioning it).

So you have both financial incompatibility and lack of communication from him.

What exactly is this "playing the stock market"? Why, exactly, does it make no sense to move position now? Has he shown you anything at all about nature of investments, purchase value, current value etc? Or is is all another set of lies?

I see little evidence of you working as a team, at least when it comes to finances.

No flaming from me and I'm not surprised you feel let down. The picture you're painting is of a pretty selfish man doing what feels right for him, lying by omission, operating casual deception and not always consulting... the jobs, the stock market investment, the joint account balance. I'm not really seeing team-work. More one person making some bad decisions that are affecting the family and another trying to clear up the mess. Seems very unfair that he is taking you to task over debts incurred directly as a result of his poor judgement.

I'd be insisting on complete open book on all his accounts and investments and demanding the truth rather than - my interpretation - more groundless ideas that his ship will come in.

Why does he think that he is in a position to "play the stock market?" In my mind, you only do this if a) you know what you are doing and b) can afford for it to go a bit tits up. It sounds like that this is not the case for you. But does he realise this?

Oh and the compromise agreement. Are you really sure that your dh has no blame in this?

You can only be a team if both people see it as a team.
He sees you as a cash machine. Sorry.
I'd be separating my finances, getting him to take some ownership of the joint debt accrued due to his financial decisionmaking, and giving him a clear monthly breakdown of his share of the financial commitments, with a demand to stump up.

@Finola1step... I think, from the pencil sketch, it's consistent that someone who is rather impulsive, selfish and lacks judgement would put their cash pay-off into some kind of fund expecting it to make a big return. The man's a risk-taker. The responsible thing to do - knowing that the lump sum would be needed for day-to-day expenses - would have been to park it somewhere easy-access and low risk.

Also OP, I wouldn't be in a joint account with him to be honest, either that or keep a lot of your own money aside in another account.
This guy doesn't care about family finances and what it boils down to is, he's happy to leave the actual responsibilities to you, but without holding up his side.

that he thinks being out of work or a lower paid job is a good time to gamble . There is a difference between enjoying a good lifestyle and staying out of debt. Between you, you need to address the latter before either of you can expect the former. So you need to adjust your expectations for now and he needs to take more responsibility. Why are you solely managing the debt if it accrued jointly ? He needs to wise up to the fact that he cannot afford to have such a patchy employment history and he needs to be realistic.

Thanks all for your feedback (I went out to a friends house this morning rather than Ikea). I think that he sees me as the one with poor financial judgement because of my debt but I have never not been able to contribute a fair amount to the joint account.

I do feel resentful that he sees my taking a better position (better in so many ways), as a way for him to carry on doing what he wants.

I have taken him to task previously on judging me on my debt (I sent him an email on it as I was so angry, I was frightened of saying something I might regret). His new job is a great opportunity in terms of his career but if it's not paying the bills, it's not a great opportunity. Each time I get a promotion, increase or situation such as my new job, I hope to be able to raise the lifestyle of the whole family (as well as continuing to pay off my (OUR!!!) debt). Instead, each time, I'm simply supplementing his 'great opportunities'.

Another heated discussion coming I think. He was talking about our childcare bills plummeting as I'll be at home and hopefully be able to drop our school age daughter off at school each day and collect her. This would make my work a little difficult but because we as a family would be paying less for childcare (and so he'd have access to more money), this is apparently what we should do. I told him that I'd think about it as I don't want to give up entirely the great wrap around care we have right now and find ourselves in a pickle. I certainly know who would have to deal with a childcare shortfall.....

Oh and on the comp agreement, he genuinely did nothing. I can't say more as I will out myself to anyone who knows me. However, I know for certain that he did nothing wrong.