Flipping FIL

[delicatematter]

DH got a call yesterday from FIL asking him if he could give him a lift to his work to drop something off, as we havent seen the inlaws for a while he said yes and we went down with the kids.

When he came back from taking FIL he was very quiet and i could tell something wasnt right.

In the car on the way home he said that he took FIL to work to drop something off and that FIL rang the bell and that DH UNCLE (the one who abused him as a child) was waiting at the gates, it was prearranged.
DH said he was stunned and lost for words and that the uncle waved at him.

So i asked DH how did he feel and he said that he(the uncle) had a smug face on him and that he thought , you wont be looking at me like that in a few weeks you smug bstrd.

I cant believe how insensitive FIL has been.
DH says he isnt angry and that FIL is convinced that the police have already been to visit the uncle and that he,s had a "telling off"

I dont know what to think all i know is that im very very

Your FIL is clearly a prize arse.

OMG - I'm so sorry to hear this - have been following your story here.
I'm angry for you and your DH as well.
Why do people think that these things can be resolved so easily - this is sort of trick my mum pulled with me
I'm so sorry

that is unbelievably shocking. your fil cannot be trusted at all. it almost seems like he has refused to acknowledge what your uncle has done. his behaviour is extraordinary.

so it sounds like your dh is going to press charges?

yes he is going to press charges we are waiting on the police again to bring him his final statement to sign and then they will arrest the uncle.

the police seem to be very slow moving on this. i'm amazed quite frankly. here they have a witness and victim of child abuse and they seem to be dragging their heels. this has been going on for ages. when are they going to pull their finger out?

it can't be good for your dh or you to be in limbo like this.

i know, i have rang them twice and each time i get "why isnt your husband phoning?"

DH asked me to phone while he is at work but im going to tell him to do it this afternoon as i dont get anywhere.

We think theres more to this, i mean 2 officers have said that there is history to the uncle and the last officer said that "your evidence is very important as its means he could have done it to someone else-like his daughters"

Dont know why they are dragging their heels but DH is very very nervous and just wants it over and done with.

There is a possibility that they are building a case against him with other victims, they may not tell your dh because of family connections ect. Dp(a ploice man) was involved in a case recently where one bloke made a complaint(it was sexual abuse) but they suspected that there were lots of other victims and they wanted to gather more evidence before they moved with the original case iyswim.

FIL obviously sticking with uncle (is that FIL'S brother) even so you'd have thought a father son relationaship is the most special, theres more to this than meets the eye, be very careful, and get all facts clearly in head, organised enough to express to law!

There is no reason uncle should get away with this, you have suffered and it could be happening to someone ele. (like dictatematter said)

Good luck and take care

I feel so sorry for you and your DH - he lived through a nightmare and his "father" is simply perpetuating this by being critical, using emotional blackmail (if I recall your previous posts correctly) and deliberately exposing DH to his tormentor.

In fact that isn't simple thoughtlessness, it occurred to me whether, between the pair of them, they arranged this to goad, or indeed intimidate, DH ?

Either way, and I know I can't tell DH what to do - and I also appreciate this could open a whole new can of worms - I would avoid FIL until this whole matter is bought to some sort of conclusion.

Stuff you've written before has made me feel very uneasy and your FIL's reaction seems so far removed from that of a loving parent, that it crossed my mind whether or not he was involved at some level before (either actively, or passively - by ignoring what was happening, for example).

What's certain is that in the here and now he is contributing to DH's discomfort and behaving in an extremely unhealthy way. DH may have said he wasn't angry, but the experience quite obviously unsettled him all the same or else you wouldn't have sussed something was up ..... he must be going through agonies wondering who he can trust. I would be beyond furious if my FIL had pulled a stunt like this in similar circumstances and at the very least, would ensure my own children went nowhere near that family until I knew for sure what involvement each of them had, or not.

I really think it's about time the police were straight with DH. If they are building a case, I don't see why they can't tell him that, even if they name no names.

I think it would help you tremendously if you kept track of days and times when incidents like this happened.

He could have engineered the "meeting" to say that your husband met his uncle socially, in the presence of his own children and therefore clearly there isn't a real problem.

If you just jot down in a notebook - the day and time these things happen - i.e. turned up to meet FIL and unexpected visit from Uncle at same time - so left as soon as possible and didn't engage in conversation. this will help both you and the police.

Interesting what catsmother said is exactly what I thought as soon as I read your post delicate. I agree that you are best off avoiding FIL until they is a bit more movement in the case or until he can be more sympathetic and apologetic to your dh.

I really hope that you and your dh can move on from this and that both of you can start to heal from such a horrible thing once the police do everything they can. You are in my thoughts. x

catsmother, you are saying what i have been thinking for ages.

While i dont think that FIL has himself been involved in anything like that i do think that he has thought that uncle is a dodgy character as when DH told FIL the first thing he said was "you have just knocked something on the head for me re uncles children" so he did already suspect something was wrong re the children that uncle has.

Uncle does have a hold on FIL, they are involved in car deals that arent legit, cant say any more i know that this is how FIL makes most of his money so suspect that this is why he is hesitant.

BUT having said that yesterday was totally out of order and he is going to be very shocked when uncle gets arrested.

Im going to talk to DH tonight about how he feels as he has been talking a little this afternoon about yesterday so i will wait until the kids are in bed.

Thanks everyone who posts, im so glad ive got this forum.

dm - I've been following this for a while, but haven't had anything to add to all the good advice you've been getting. But I just wanted to say that I am in awe of the calm, principled and sympathetic way that you've been handling this and supporting your dh. There's clearly - as everyone here is suggesting too - a lot more to this than meets the eye, but you are managing to steer a course through it without it becoming an utter storm. You've concentrated on your dh and your family and not let these people damage you any more.

But I do agree with sleepfinder, that keeping a diary of these kind of events can't hurt, as who knows what will happen when it does kick off.