Sweety, your parents may not be supportive. I understand that they are not in the same country as you, but wondered if they would help you financially, if not, or if they'd make you feel worse about yourself, don't worry, You are not alone there. usually it's that we are trained in our childhood by dysfunctional parenting in the first place that we are not worth much so end up in these relationships.
OK then, so you may need to go for it without their help. Do you have any friends that could help? even if you have been isolated from them?
You mentioned saving for a deposit, do you have access to that money?
You are starting this new job, you will be paid at the end of May (bet you get an interim payment at the end of April though) If you have been out of work for a while, and claiming benefits, they may be able to award you 40 weeks of Back to work payments, I can't recall if it's £40 or £50 a week, but better than nothing! Call CAB/Job Centre and ask if there is any additional help you can claim in the meantime?
You are not trapped. You may not be feasibly able to move right now, but you are not trapped. You WILL be able to get out, but not as soon as you need to. i was abroad, 4 flights up, with a toddler, 3 hours away from the nearest airport in a shithole where women aren't easily able to get out and about without being intimidated and abused. I had to bide my time. for months. but i knew one day I'd get out. That was the end of 2007. I've been back in the UK since mid 2008, and he's been out of my timezone since 2011.
Yep, it'll be frustrating, yep you'll want to scream your lungs out, and commit murder no doubt, but you will get through this.
Oh yes, feeling stupid. I had that T-Shirt too! Monumentally stupid. I wondered if it was possible to actually keel over and die from Infinite Idiocy.
Apparently not! :)
You can lean on us, on this thread, or on that thread for Emotionally Abusive relationships, call womans aid for RL support etc. Could WA help you escape? would that be worth a shot?
If you can't get out via WA, then make this your focus for saving up, put money in an account well away from him, and when you can get enough to rent somewhere, do it and just go.
See if the CAB or similar can advise you on what support/options you can get help with, once you know where you are financially, it will give you a much stronger footing and you won't feel so helpless.
WHEN you are out, you need to throw all you can into investing in yourself. You need to do the Freedom Programme (IN PERSON) and you will need to look at getting counselling. You can't fix this without doing some hard work. There are some excellent books too that will help you see that none of this was every your fault. WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Lundy Bancroft is a good one to start with.
You were brainwashed into thinking you were worthless, you will have to brainwash yourself back out if that what it takes. You are NOT worthless. Anyone who made you feel like that is the one with the issues, got that? Understand that this stuff won't ever go away by itself, if you don't fix it, there is always going to be the risk of falling victim again. That's not your fault, but you can provide yourself with weapons to protect yourself and insure against being targeted by an abuser again.
I spent 10 years with an abuser, 3 in a hellish country that stripped me of everything. I returned to the UK withered, defeated and afraid. I was agoraphobic and terrified of men in particular.
Ex came over then 18m later left again, but for good and I felt the monumental stupidity for a while. Eventually I attended a group, signed up for the Freedom Programme, paid for Therapy and for a wee while ran about from one to the other like a nutter. I posted on what became the EA threads, I read a few books, I attended group therapy too (If you are anywhere near Hampshire/Surrey/Berkshire area, let me know? to do all of this, I had to call WA and sob down the line for about 45 mins, and even that took weeks of courage building.
You will be feeling sad, angry, tired and confused. These feelings are valid, you need to feel sympathy for yourself too, and allow yourself the kindness of allowing yourself to feel sorry for yourself.
You didn't do this, so there is no need to feel stupid, when you understand that others chose to abuse you, and it was their choice, you will feel freer. Accept that this didn't take 5 minutes to get like this, so won't take 5 minutes to resolve. But if you put in the effort, you can promise yourself that it won't ever happen again.
Sorry for the immense post.