Please help me understand (and break) bond with my awful ex?

[freshstart24]

EXP and I split a year ago after 10 years. We have a DS together (7yo). EX is a very selfish man and wasn't able to be a good partner or committed enough father. I spent years sticking plasters over the cracks, and finally realised that it was him not me, and that I couldn't spend the rest of my life trying to turn him into the man I 'hoped' he could be.

In a nutshell his friends, pub visits and sports were more important than DS or I. I held everything together financially and practically and he pursued an unsuccessful sports career for 10 years, made almost no contributions to finances, and left me with the lions share of everything while my slef esteem reached almost zero. He also had a bullying, aggressive nature (verbal not physical).

I finally found the courage to end it a year ago.

I got together with a new partner (friend of a friend) about 5 months after my split. He is wonderful, I am so lucky to have had the chance to see what a real man can be- kind, loving, interested in my day, grown up and great fun. I can now see even more clearly how dysfunctional things were with EXP. He is slowly getting to know DS, they get along well, and he fully accepts that DS is my priority.

EXP has DS to stay once a week. Initially he was extremely verbally abusive to me (particularly when he found out about new P), he is still liable to shout and swear at me sometimes but I have kept this mostly under control by minimising contact. He has got better, now admits his faults and has accepted things.

The problem is that I cannot let go of the bond I feel towards EXP as the father of our son. No one else is as interested or invested in the little joys of being his parent as we are, and I cannot help but still want to share this stuff. He is a loving Dad and adores DS and I can't help loving him for that. I know I must accept that he's not a great Dad on some levels or else we would not be in this situation- but in the dark depths of my heart I know he holds a special place as the Dad of my little ray of sunshine.

I feel guilty towards my new P for feeling this way, I love him deeply and I think he deserves better that a partner who has a bond with their Ex. It feels deceitful and wrong to have this close bond with EXP, especially given how cruel he has been. I ought to feel nothing towards him.

I almost feel like by loving my son unconditionally I cannot help but feel a misplaced type of love for his Dad.

Help?!

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Unless your new partner has expressed a problem with you and your ex then you have no grounds to worry.

I think it's good that there is an ounce of a bond there still as it will benefit your DS, I'm sure it's better to have a bond for his sake than no bond at all.

Despite everything that happened with your ex you created a life together so I'd say it'd be strange if you felt absolutely nothing!

Thank you for understanding heyho.

My new P is quite baffled as to why I don't dislike EXP more than I do. He has been fairly shocked at some of the things EXP has said and done and the rants that he has witnessed over the phone. He knows it would not be helpful to interfere but part of him wants to tell EXP he is a bully, and he wishes I wouldn't stand for his tactics.

New P has admitted that he finds it difficult knowing that EXP and I have phone contact and 'chat' at handover. He accepts that it is good for DS that we can communicate, and for that reason would not ask me to stop, but I worry that out 'bond' makes him feel insecure.

when I got together with bf a bit over a year ago, his relationship with his ex was very amicable and over time I really grew to find this uncomfortable. kisses on texts, they still care for each other etc.
I've had to accept it's for the kids and that's all it is. I should be really happy for them that they can get on in front of the children though it does still leave me feeling a bit weird.
depends how friendly you are in my book. If there's a new partner then you kind of owe it to him to make a clear distance between you and ex. Fair enough you chat at handover, but are there lengthy phone calls in between too? I'd find anything more than an info text/call a bit odd between my bf and his ex. I'd certainly never dream of having a chatty exchange with either of my exes other than to arrange children stuff!
but all couples are different and is good you get on for the child's sake.

It's not really up to you to make DP feel more secure about your pre-existing relationships. Sure, if you were sexting each other or snogging at handover, but what you're describing is a hard-won solution to shared parenting with an abusive twat. Your time-frames on this are still very short. Things will naturally change & settle (one way or another) over time. There's still at least 10 years of co-parenting to come!

Do you and your ex have phone contact about DS or other stuff? My ex used chat with his ex (DSDs mum) for a good hour or more. I knew all about the ins and outs of her life. It was completely inappropriate. He said he still liked her and obviously they still had dsd in common, but honestly, it was more like a lack of boundaries.

Of course you need to get on, but I wonder whether the chats are really about control? He is still holding on to you. If it is more than is necessary for dc wellbeing, I would wonder why really.

You can't break the bond, and no-one should ask you to, but contact should really just be about dc (I think) .

littlegreen there are no kisses on my texts! I have tried to communicate via text rather than phone where possible, not least as it gives EXP less opportunity to kick off. However, some things take ages to arrange via text and minutes to sort over the phone (contact arrangements for example).

I know DP would prefer there were no phone calls but I do find EXPs calls hard to ignore when he has DS as in the back of my mind I worry about what he might be calling about.

I feel a guilty relioef when I've had a conversation with EXP about issues related to DS that are bothering me. For example, I was worrying about some low grade bullying, we had a chat, agreed a strategy and it felt good that despite being an abusive twat, he has got DS' back alongside me. Oh that sound so messed up!!

I can understand this to some extent. It's because there's a child involved. Many parents who separate make a huge effort to minimise the trauma to their children and in doing so they decide to remain amicable to make things easier for their children.

I don't think many couples without children would do the same, so it's not so much an issue for them.

If it wasn't for my children I would probably never want to see my exh ever again. As it is I see him 2 or 3 times each week, and we make an effort to remain civil. At first it was very hard but we are actually now acting fairly friendly with one another as things settle down. He's the only person who cares for our children as much as I do so there will always be a bond.

But I've also realised that he's the only person who is going through the same break-up issues as me too, and I've noticed that we do tend to have the odd chat about them and it actually helps. We'll never get back together but strangely we now can talk frankly about what happened and I think it's quite therapeutic for us both.

Whether new partners will be ok with this remains to be seen. I think you need to be honest with yourself first. Do you still harbour actual romantic feelings for your ex or is it simply the shared bond of having children together that makes you feel the way you do? If it's the latter it's just the same as feeling close to a friend who had a baby at the same time as you, or someone who is going through some life event at the same time as you.

If you're worried about your partners feelings it's best to talk about them now otherwise it could become a thing between you in the future. This is something that will last forever, the children will always be there so you'll always have this link with your ex.

as long as it's about your ds I don't see the problem. not hours of chat but I can see why you would answer when he has ds.
It still winds me up when bf ex calls because she can't control their dd's tantrums and expects bf to go round and sort things out. He must certainly does not, and if he did, I'd be spitting fucking feathers. His dd has tantrums ( very occasionally) with us, and he deals with it, wouldn't dream of contacting his ex!
There should be a balance I suppose, you'll know when it's right. you may have had a child together but you owe him nothing remember.

I was worrying about some low grade bullying, we agreed a strategy and it felt good that he has got DS' back alongside me

How is this messed up?

bluebell we generally don't have long phonecalls. I try to keep conversations to what is relevant to DS. Unfortunately EXP is having a hard time as he had no money or job when we split and so he is struggling to build a life. Consequently I receive no financial support and EXP sometimes updates me as to his progress in his new job and the journey he is making towards carving out a new life for himself- I feel some guilt about his position and this impossible bond so I listen to his woes and hope that he finds himself in a better place soon.

Well, to be clear, it is not up to your DP to say if there should be calls or not; it is your decision.

Why would you feel guilty about discussing an issue your DS has? That is quite appropriate. Whether by phone, text or email, up to you.

I don't think you are describing anything unreasonable on your part.

X-post.

I think you need to determine what you are comfortable with.

You shouldn't feel guilty about his position.

Roller you sound in a similar place to me.

I think it really is just the shared bond of DS that remains, but I can't be totally sure, and it is an unfamiliar and quite uncomfortable feeling to care about another man despite being in love with new P.

Its hard to describe but its like the unconditional love that I have for DS means that I care for his father in some way. I wish him well, I want the best for him, and it would make me happy to see him happy.....

I think feeling relieved after having a discussion about bullying with someone who is just as invested as you is perfectly normal. It shows that both of you can put your differences aside for the sake of your DS, which is how it should be.

I'm not sure why you think it's messed up to talk about your DS in this way with him. Of course you have a bond. You're not talking about still wanting him for yourself, just to be in your child's life.

You seem to have the balance just right.

garlic and bluebell it feels messed up and I feel guilty because this man really has been horrible to me in the past, he didn't really look out for me and his whole world revolved around him. Yet here I am getting comfort from his support. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well, it is tricky!

Well, to an extent his world does still revolve around him; he is talking about his own issues, and he is getting engagement with you through dc. He is not having to adjust his life substantially to address anyone else's needs, I guess.

Equally, you are no longer in the path of his abuse. If the contact is on terms you are happy with, I don't see an issue. You don't need to hate him, just keep boundaries you are comfortable with.

I certainly don't get why you feel the need to share your feelings about your son with your ex, especially after what I've just read, surely you have family and friends who love and support you and your child, talk to them.

As for your DP finding it difficult, well tough, it's really good that you can be amicable for the sake of your child and your DP needs to grow up.

Your ex is still verbally abusing you yet you give him the privilege of civilised chats???

Good point about his world revolving around him still bluebell. I don't think that will ever change, which is part of the reason I finally had the courage to end our relationship- it was not a good example to DS, and not easy for me to live with.

Jan, I do have friends and family who care about DS, but it feels like noone else has that same bond as his dad and I.

DP does accept that we need to communicate. He had admitted that he finds it difficult, which I think was honest of him. He also fails to see how I can forgive him for his verbal abuse, and afford him civiliosed chats (as do you). Unfortunately I suspect I am a pushover, and I allow it to happen because I firmly believe that I owe it to DS to co-parent to the best of my abilities. He can't hurt me any more, yes the abuse is unacceptable, but it is becoming like water off a duck's back.....

Do you know what OP, disregard what I've said, I can completely see what you are saying and hats off to you for being able to not react to what is a complete asshole of an ex.

The only thing I would add is that you want to co-parent, which requires co-operation and a lack of conflict. You are still subject to verbal abuse, and, while things are getting better, I don't necessarily think either of you have fully disengaged from the dynamic of the previous relationship.

Have you heard about parallel parenting? There is a great page on a website called parenting after divorce which is an article called co-operative parenting or parallel parenting by Philip Stahl. Am on phone, so cannot link. Clearly in an abuse situation, the conflict is coming from your ex, but the page has good advice about communication, what to share re parenting and how, which might help you disengage a bit more, yet keep a positive parenting framework.

A year out is not enough time for the dust to settle, and I would say to be a bit careful he is not using your desire to co-parent to keep you involved in his life. Equally, it is the case that your DP could take a step back and let you figure it out. You only had five months on your own, at a point when things were very hostile.