Three little words

[maryclarey]

I'm curious to know what people's experiences are about this subject. If, in a relationship, you feel loved and cared for and you receive (and give back) lots of physical affection and loving behaviour, do you really need to hear the three little words said too? My BF of a year hasn't said it, neither have I to be fair, although I do want to especially when I feel particularly close to him which is the case more and more lately, but I guess I'm a little afraid he won't say it back so I just try to show him in little ways as does he (or at least that's how it seems to me). He's not one for talking about feelings much, is it possible he is afraid to say it too, in case he doesn't hear it back? I have heard him tell his sister and mother that he loves them on the phone so I know he can say it in some context.

I like to hear it, I told DP I loved him when I knew I did and have told him every day since, as has he.

That's just us though, do you get lots of affection? Do you feel like he loves you?

Just tell him, if you feel it. If he doesn't say it back then you know to slow down a bit or know it's time to talk about where the relationship is going, though if he is loving toward you I don't see why he wouldn't say it too?

I married a man who couldn't say it. He made excuses, said it wasn't him, made up code words etc. It destroyed me in some ways - in six or seven years he said I love you three times.

I am a huge sayer of it. To my mum, my children, my boyfriend. They all are too.

To me those words are important as well as the actions. But everyone is different.

Fwiw ex husband says I love you all the time to his girlfriend now. It was like something clicked after me.

Anybody else got Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" as an earworm now? Nope? Just me then. Bugger.

Lemony yes lots of affection, always holds my hand when out and about, touches, hugs and kisses here and there, toes touching in bed. I feel very loved. I'm not needing to hear it every day, or even at all (as long as I feel loved) but I'm not sure if that's normal or not. Also I don't want to say it and then not hear it back. That happened with my ex and I was very hurt.

Keepithidden no but I do have Annie Lennox's Little Bird in my head now!

It's one of the reasons I'm single again. After six blissful months my ex suddenly stopped telling me he loved me, stopped holding my hand and stopped touching me (those affectionate little fleeting touches on the arm etc). Of course sex was ace. I spoke to him ad nauseum and told him how crucial these elements are for me. He denied there was a problem but I don't want a relationship like that. All my other relationships have always been very expressive and tactile. It was hard to leave but without those elements so many other things just became unbearable.

I had an ex who said it so much it lost its meaning. He would say it to control me as if it gave him some sort of god given right to excuse his shitty behaviour.
DP says it most days which is lovely but for me it is more about the actions than the words. Not so much huge public displays of affection, but the little everyday things that matter.

If you feel it, and he feels it and neither of you NEED to hear it then I think that's okay.

It's only a problem if one partner isn't getting what they need from the other, or if it suddenly changes. Talk to him, OP and see what happens, you could be right in that he's scared you won't say it back.

It's a matter of personal taste and compatibility. No use whatsoever anyone here saying that they mind or don't mind it being said or not said. If you like to hear 'I love you' occasionally and you're with someone that doesn't say it, it's a problem. Maybe you have to pin your colours to the mast and say it first? If he doesn't reciprocate, you can form your own conclusions.

My ex-husband told me he loved me very soon after we met. It was a long time ago now so I hadn't given much thought to this until recently. We were young and it was my first relationship. I was fairly sure I was also in love so said it back straight away.

We continued to tell each other we loved each other right up until our marriage ended last year, after 23 years together even though we clearly didn't love each other in the same way any more. I think it became habit and completely lost it's meaning.

I've been with my new partner for nearly 6 months and I actually do think I love him but I'm much more guarded about telling him this time. I think we both know we do from our own actions. For me it's a feeling I've had before, with my exh and also my children and family. I care for him in the same way, as well as loving him romantically. But he has said he's never been in love before, so it will be different for him. He's not told me yet but his actions are very clear.

I have told him I think I love him but only once and haven't been telling him out loud because I don't want to pressure him into saying it too if he's not sure how he feels.

But I can tell he does though

what does it say about me that the first thought I had about this was 'I'm the Doctor'

WillGoAwayNowTiggaxx

I don't need to hear it per se. I am as certain as I can be that he loves me anyway. I definintely don't want to hear it ten times a day so it loses meaning. Are there relationships where its never said at all? Happy ones? I think I will take the plunge eventually because I do actually want to tell him... I'll just dilly dally a while longer [coward emoticon]

Rollercola how do you tell? Just curious

My ex used to say it all the time, and would get annoyed with me if I didn't say it

It's something I'd rather save for 'special' moments, rather than it be something that becomes ingrained into everyday conversations.

I agree mansize, it should be special. If he said it all the time I'd be concerned. I've seen it used as a control mechanism before in friend's past relationships and would definintely red flag that.

Well I think I can tell because he seems to genuinely care about me. He says he misses me when we're not together and says he's blissfully happy since he's met me. He rings and texts me a lot just to ask how I am and to chat about our day.

He's introduced me to his friends and some of them have told me how happy he is. He's not had many proper relationships so it's new to him. I'm an old hand (albeit I was in one very long relationship) so firstly I know that my own feelings are real because I've felt them before. But also I can see now how different he is to my exh who had clearly fallen out of love with me.

He does a lot of things unconsciously, like reaching for my hand, asking if I'm ok, thinking about me if I've got a busy day on. It's all telling stuff that I notice and it makes me smile. I know he's not ready to say the words, and he probably doesn't know if he's in love or not. Maybe he isn't, but I'm completely happy to just go along as things are. The affection that he shows means far more to me than the words alone. Anyone can say 'I love you' but to mean anything it needs to be combined with other actions, both physically and emotionally.

STBXH said it after he'd been aggressive or abusive, and if I didn't answer, he either kicked off or pouted.

My ex husband used to say it all the time, overly so. I hardly ever used to say it but I was affectionate and I did love him. Til I discovered he was telling OW's he loved them all the time

To me, those words don't hold so much importance these days because it's the actions of the person you're with, how they show their feelings for you generally which tell you there's loving feelings present. But cog is right - if it's a problem for you, it's a problem and perhaps you ought to say it and see how he responds.

My DP and I say it to each other often, but not everyday.
We'd been together nearly a year before we said it for the first time. I had never said it to anyone before. We were out drinking with friends and quite drunk in a bar. We had a little kiss and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He knew exactly what I was talking about and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to him?! This carried in for a while in a kind of "you say it first" way! One of us said it eventually!!