How to explain to DS why his dad left

[QuiteSo]

Background: H had an affair, showed no remorse, said he didn't love me. Moved out. Told kids 'mummy and daddy don't get on very well any more'. Both DC seemed ok-ish after he left.

It's roughly a month later and DC1 who is 8, has been wanting to know exactly why daddy left and why he hasn't moved back in (H had sort of hinted he might). DC doesn't believe the original explanation, so I've tried to give an age-appropriate version (daddy was spending lots of time with another lady in the evenings, and you're not supposed to do that if you're married...).

Anyway, he's still not convinced and keeps on asking. Is there anything I can tell him that he would understand?

No and I don't think you should give him too much information either. Not because he can't handle it but because he'll treat it as an opportunity for problem-solving and negotiation. e.g. 'Daddy is spending time with someone else'... and he'll think that if Daddy could be persuaded to spend less time with this other person all might be well again. 'Mummy and Daddy don't get on very well any more' ... leads to ideas that if DS can make you get on better, all might be well again.

The best answer, I think, is to say that Daddy has decided to live somewhere else and, whilst it's sad, it's a grown-up decision that he can't influence and which isn't going to change. Close down the possibilities for problem-solving in other words. Obviously, at the same time telling him that you both love him and that he's top priority.

You're right, Cogito, he keeps coming up with solutions to solve the problem.

The trouble is that H has told the DC he 'might' come back.

I did tell DC his dad loved him very much. His response was that his dad obviously didn't, otherwise he wouldn't have left. I didn't know what to respond.

You can't answer that question adequately unfortunately. The quality of the relationship your ex has with your DS is entirely down to him. If he chooses to be mealy mouthed about it or make false promises, he will be the one that suffers eventually.

I have a similar thing quite, when my DS asks why daddy left, I can't say its because he an alcoholic drug addicted useless fucker. I say that the reasons were complicated & I'll explain properly to him when he's older. And I will, but an 8 year will not understand addiction no matter how much its simplified. I stress that he's a much better daddy now we don't live together (& he's been through rehab/detox) & I stress the positives for DS about it.

I also say sometimes he has to ask his dad as I don't know, which is the truth. Perhaps you could consider this for the moving back in question?