Do I need to be concerned? Bed death?

[stopfuckingspraying]

Hello all, I am writing this to try and ascertain whether my partner and I have a problem here or whether it is something that will become "fixed".

I have been dating my girlfriend for just over a year and we get on really great. In fact we have just discussed that she will move in with me in the next year once we have sorted out our individual debts etc.

From the off our sex life has been great. When I met my girlfriend she had lost several stone in weight and was generally happy and motivated.

Lately she has put on about 2-3 stone. I don't really notice it but she keeps telling me how fat she feels and unattractive. I always tell her she is beautiful. I fancy the arse off her and lust for her the same as I did when we first met.

We haven't had sex for 4 weeks which is a long time for us, the other day she said she has to start dieting again otherwise it is going to ruin our relationship, I asked what she meant. She said she feels unnatractive and added this isn't my fault as I often compliment her and kiss her etc etc.

So ok, is this lack of sex drive to do with the weight gain? Am I right in thinking I shouldn't make an issue out of this so it becomes a "thing"?

Any tips on how to make her feel better about herself? I am joining slimming world with her tomorrow evening and she is very happy about this. I only need to lose about a stone but she wants to lose about 3 or 4. Obviously I love her just the way she is and I tell her this.

It's just hurtul when she rejects me. Like in bed I will put my arm around her and softly stroke her tummy or leg, she will grab my hand and bring it up to under her chin. Makes me feel rejected but theen I remember her saying she feels unnatractive and it makes me sad for her.

Any comments?

I would take her on face-value in the sense that she equates extra poundage with being unattractive and unsexy. It's fairly common for body-image and insecurity to be linked... whole industries dedicated to keeping the insecurity alive, in fact. However, I would also suggest that she has low self-esteem more generally. A confident, happy person would be the same way whatever their physical appearance.

You cannot make anyone feel better about themselves... that's only something she can do.... and I would urge you to think twice about throwing in your lot with someone who only feels confident when the scale shows the right number. Weight-loss, gain & maintenance being what it is, the current situation might end up being the norm.

I get like this. If I put 5-7 lb on it goes straight to my belly and I get really self conscious and uncomfortable and have directed my boyfriends hand away from my tummy. You are doing the right thing reassuring her and supporting her, fingers crossed it all helps and she feels better soon.

Yes she does have low self esteem.

I love her so am not prepared to throw in the towel because of issues she has, regardless what the outcome may be. I see a future with her and her with me.

I agree that I can not change her thoughts about herself. She said she doesn't want to be skinny, just a healthy weight. I wouldn't say she is obsessed with her weight at all

Thank you Velma

Fancying yourself is as important as fancying your partner when it comes to feeling sexy.

If I'm feeling a bit shit about my body I definitely don't fancy myself and that impacts on my sex drive.

Just keep on be

Oops, posted too soon.

Keep on being supportive. But don't be sex pesty. That'll just make her feel pressured and guilty.

Thanks Social, I am definitely not being sex pesty! I have been in her situation so know that the more we make it an issue the worse it will get!

It would be good if you could steer her in the direction of blogs/books/groups which raise self-esteem and explain how the slimming industry is basically one big con based on misogyny. There's nothing wrong with preferring to be reasonably healthy ie eating good food and taking moderate exercise, but getting fixated on weight is such a miserable way to live and such a waste of time, money and emotional energy.

Yes I will suggest these things. The longer it's going on it's making me feel paranoid that the no sex thing is something to do with me. Like she may not fancy ME. I suppose that's only natural though

I just wanted to say that yours is one if the nicest and most understanding posts about this issue I've ever seen on here, it really sounds as though you care about her immensely and want her to be confident and happy. So refreshing!

You sound like a very nice man . Following on from SolidGoldBrass's post, may I point you in the direction of simply the best blog in the world on just this subject - it's been pretty much life-changing for people I know. I don't even have weight issues and I read it often - she is a shining example to womankind!

Op, you are lovely.

same ish situation a year or so ago for me but SW is easy - learn to cook with her if you dont allready and the weight falls off - DW has lost 4 stone and me 1 stone---- and the sex is right off the scale again now! and so much fun to be has shopping for clothes and skinny stuff - goodluck mate !

One suggestion might be to casually comment on a larger sized woman and say how sexy you find her on the TV? Like Nigella or someone! Sometimes this might be more effective than telling her directly that a few extra pounds don't turn you off and it might help build her confidence. I would also try telling her it makes you feel rejected because she might not realise that.

This also happened to me when I put on a bit of weight. It's hard to explain but if you don't feel sexy it puts you off sex a bit.