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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another Dating Disappointment

11 replies

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 07/04/2014 10:06

Just needing a bit of sympathy/empathy I think....

About six weeks ago I bumped into a guy I know from school on the street. I always see him around and have always thought how good he looks. We chat for a bit, I go back to the office thinking he's lovely. My colleague says I should ask him for coffee. I dismiss that - as I'm not sure he likes me like that. Then out of the blue he emails me and asks me for a coffee. I'm thrilled. He doesn't have my email address so has gone to the effort of tracking me down.

We start emailing a lot and also texting a lot. He's very attentive. His texts are super flirty. I'm thrilled about this too. Any one who knows this guy would think he was a super nice bloke - like all my friends who also know him think he's a long term relationship sort of guy.

However pretty early on a few things start to bother me. It's sort of hard to pin him down to actually go for the coffee. He'll text me constantly and then disappear for a couple of days. If I comment that he's quiet he'll say 'oh, just been busy' or 'just been out and about' (making me feel like I am being really silly). He doesn'st ask me on another date, so I bite the bullet and ask him, he says right away, 'oh sounds great' but it's just really hard to make an arrangement with him.

Anyway skip until the weekend and I'm out for lunch with a few girls also from school, one of whom I don't know that well and has no idea this guy has been sniffing around (horrible expression but you get my drift). She mentions in all innocence, 'oh did you hear X (the guy from school) has a new girlfriend from London'. I think he's been seeing her all along, or at least from pretty soon in and it's now got serious to the point where this girl is coming up from London to stay with him and be introduced to his friends etc. He was texting me on Friday night saying he's on his way to London!!

Thing is, I knew something was off, and it was odd that he was constantly texting but not wanting to meet up (in retrospect it's because he has a girlfriend and in his stupid boy head meeting up would be crossing a line whereas texting me all the time isn't) but I suppose I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it's someone I was friends with at school, to everyone who knows him he seems like a really nice guy etc i.e. I gave him trust that he didn't really deserve. I'm an idiot!

I've confronted him now. His response at first was basically sort of trying to gauge whether I might still want to be in contact even though I now know he has a girlf. Then when he realised that wasn't going to wash he is giving me the 'oh I am so sorry etc etc'.

Anyway, nothing anyone can say, just wanted to share. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and the problem is I've got used to him texting me all the time and going to miss that.

OP posts:
stopfuckingspraying · 07/04/2014 16:30

I have been in a similar position and it makes you feel a bit stupid.

Trust me love, give it a week or 2 and you'll be over him

Phalenopsis · 07/04/2014 16:42

He doesn't sound much of a catch OP. it sounds like he was trying to keep his options open in case it didn't work with the London woman. Asking someone out and then dicking around with setting a date is pretty immature and he is definitely not someone you should be wasting your time over.

I'd chalk this one up to experience and try to forget about him.

Love your username stopfuckingspraying btw.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 07/04/2014 17:02

yes I think he was exactly trying to keep his options open tbh. And yes it is immature and we are in our late 30's, not school kids.
Anyone would think he was a catch. But I think if you scratch the surface he's really not.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/04/2014 17:08

Loads of married men and attached men using dating sites I'm afraid and all using them to varying degrees, he's the one who like to have girls on his phone for chats and perhaps sexy chats.

A reaction that is full on and then cold is usually a good sign that the person is not what they seem.

If a guy or indeed a girl is interested in dating someone, they make sure that is conveyed, it should never be a maybe or maybe not, there's your first indication. It's really not difficult to date someone as long as you are free and single, when there's crossed wires or complications it usually means they're attached or playing the field.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 07/04/2014 17:32

yeah I think the thing is I didn't meet him on a dating site, I know him from years back so I never imagined he would be shady like this.

I commented to a friend right at the start that if I'd met him on a dating site I would assume he had a girlfriend because of the way he was behaving. However because we are both from the same small town originally and have known each other for 20 years I dismissed my own concerns (I erroneously assumed that had he a girlfriend I would have heard about it, which I suppose I did eventually).

Annoyed at myself.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/04/2014 17:34

Sorry OP, got mixed up with another post.

Don't be annoyed at yourself, you thought the best of him.

MadeMan · 07/04/2014 18:13

I agree with Jan45 that if someone is really interested then they'll make sure you know about it. All this modern texting, emailing and social networking stuff just seems to create flakey people with short attention spans who would rather just muck about.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 08/04/2014 12:51

This is true.
I am just a bit gutted. Can't stop thinking about the whole thing. Have a date lined up on Friday with someone who I think I might like a bit, who wants to go on actual dates with me rather than spend hours wasting my time texting. I'm in danger of ruining that because of focusing on this other idiot.
My problem is comparing this guy, who I am just starting to get to know, to someone who I've liked from afar for ages and I've spent the last 2 months texting constantly. It's not a fair comparison.

OP posts:
SparklySocks · 08/04/2014 12:57

Better off out of there OP. Sorry that happened to you, I can really sympathise. Wine Thanks

Gretagumbo · 08/04/2014 20:25

Yea similar happened to me a guy I have known for 5 years.

It kind of knocks you unawares because you expect a certain level of respect from a friend/acquaintance. Different if it's someone you've just met you tend to be more on guard. You trust a bit more because you think x wouldn't do that to me, we're mates.

Felt the same as you gutted, confused and like I'd been made a total dick out of. I put such a rocket up his ass!

We made it up because I hate bad vibes but I'm staying out of his way, he's no friend of mine.

He's a dick not you x

TheVictorian · 08/04/2014 20:59

It seems you can never be to sure on how well you think you know a person.

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