How long after being with a complete shit of a man could you finally let someone new in?!

[waitingformychance]

I was with my exp for nearly 4 yrs, he was mentally and emotionally nasty, he was controlling and would constantly make me feel like I was never good enough. I split up with him when I finally broke and couldn't take it anymore, to which he then got violant and really hurt me.

During the last couple of weeks of this I spent a lot of time with my brother and his best friend who Ive known for a while was lovely and we got close.

Its been a couple of months of seeing him but I am really struggling with some things.

He wants to see me all the time, which is making me feel suffocated!
But a friend pointed out maybe he is just being normal and nice!?

Also, if he arranges something and says to me, we are going for a meal with his friends on such a date , in my head I feel like running away as I feel like he's controlling me!

I have spoke to him and said this is how I feel, and he's understanding, but I am really struggling to understand if this is a knock on effect of exp or do I really want to run away from him!?

Is this normal after being in such a horrible past relationship?

Very normal. 2 months is NOTHING!!! Give yourself a bit more time

I would say you have jumped into something else too quickly

You need at least a year to process everything that has happened to you

Have you children ? Your time should be spent on yourself and them right now, not getting headfucked by another man

I agree with the PPs that you're probably not ready for an other relationship yet. People who employ emotionally abusive techniques to control a relationship 'train' or 'groom' you into doubting your judgement, going along with things you know aren't right and generally reducing your confidence.

So if this new guy is making you feel suffocated then you feel suffocated. You don't have to examine that too closely or justify your feelings or explain it to anyone. 'It's not working for me' is a legitimate thing to say to anyone in any relationship at any time. You don't have to go along with it just because your friend says it's normal. You don't have to go along with it because he's a nice bloke either.

So kick this one to the kerb rather than doubting yourself or feeling any sense of obligation. It's good practise.

Crikey I'm two years down the line and I still go cold at the thought of being in a relationship. Although I was unhappily married for 16 years. I do sometimes if I might be broken in some way, I get all panicky at the thought of being with someone. Or, it may just be that I'm really happy for the first time in my adult life and am too selfish to give it up.

I'm 3 years down the line from leaving a very unhappy and on occasions abusive marriage and I'm only just beginning to think I could try again with someone new.

It was 4 years after I left my abusive ex before I felt up to dating again.

I'm 4 1/2 yrs down the line and it's still a mental challenge to have a normal relationship

However I was in mine for over 20 yrs. I think shorter relationships have shorter lasting impact :)

I agree front

I'm six months on from breaking up with someone I was married to for over 30 years. I am no where near being able to think about being with someone else. I simply wouldn't trust another person (my stbx was very deceitful, controlling, and behaved appallingly towards the end).

Its awfully hard - I think perhaps oneday I would likeanother relationship - but I also think I am probably too damaged to be a good partner to anyone else. But I am fairly old and set in my ways anyway, and it was a very long relationship.

I think the way you are feeling is very normal - and two months is no time at all. Just take your time and do what feels right for you, there's no harm in asking someone to back off a little bit and give you some space - a decent person would understand that after what you've just come through.

Five years here, man free and I am still not ready. No way.

Three and a half years, no way. I don't think I ever will quite honestly, the thought of putting all my trust into one person fills me with horror. He broke me.

years and years

I think if you meet the right one - time doesn't matter. When I met DH I had given up men. I was never getting involved ever again. I was focussing on work and nothing else and had bought gardening books.

I had a relationship with a vile man for 6 months. It took me a year to even contemplate having a man come anywhere near me again.

If you are feeling suffocated then that's fine, your feelings are valid.

Took me two years.

I'm blissfully happy with new man just a couple of months after splitting from previous v toxic relationship.

It's not about the timeframe, it's about the people involved. there are no hard and fast rules.

My DV counsellor always said give it a minimum of 12 months so you begin to discover the real you. This is key because the real you gets totally buried when in an abusive relationship.

In my case I met an incredible man after about 9 months, but everything moved very slowly. Even after more than two years I still have wobbles and I doubt my judgement sometimes (generally needlessly). We're still nowhere near living together which suits me just fine. I have no idea if I ever will be ready for it, but it is nice knowing I'm loved and respected and that I can trust a man again.