Rant rant hopeless DH

[alittlebitcountry]

Just need to vent really.
DH is staying at a friends after some problems we're having which have seriously undermined respect and trust - we are about to start seeing a Relate councillor.
I am due at work at 8.30. He has the children Mondays as it's his day off. (he works nights). He should have been here by 7, I should have left by 7.30.
I can't reach him on his mobile and there is no landline.

Now I know he was coming down with the sickness bug DS and I have had, but even so I'm fuming. It's so irresponsible to be out of reach like this.
It happened Saturday when I was miserable and sick. He texted at 7pm saying he'd be round in 10 minutes. Never showed up. Apparently he'd fallen asleep/passed out as soon as he hung up. Not one of the calls and voicemail I made disturbed him.
I don't deny he may well sleep more deeply, be more tired but surely that doesn't mean he gets to check out of family life?
I slog on when I'm ill, which is just as well since he doesn't.
It's just one more thing to push us further apart.A?rrrrrrrrgh.

Sorry, but is he with someone else perhaps? Or is he being passive aggressive and trying to control you?

Seems like he is showing you with his actions how much he is committed to repairing your marriage and stepping up to his responsibilities.

At a guess, he knows that if he 'phones in sick' you will kick off, so it's just simpler and easier for him to basically shit all over your day and leave you to pick up the pieces.

I would save your money for Relate, unless he's going to pay for it.

Agree with the other posters. He is being passive aggressive and trying to spoil your job and he is SO NOT COMMITTED to repairing your relationship.

Can you cut out the Relate bit and just go straight for the solicitors?

Yes, I would agree that the prospect of him stepping up to become a decent partner and father look pretty grim and hopeless

It might be best for you to have either back up arrangements or simply cut him out of the arrangements altogether. I know it's more of a hassle, but if you can't rely on him it's for the best.

Is it possible he is doing this to exert some type of control or revenge on you? If you make other arrangements, that will effectively pull the rug out from under him in this regard.

If he passed out - did you send an ambulance round?

I think 'passed out' is how the DH described it for dramatic effect. Because he was sooo ill. Although if he works nights, 7pm would have been the start of the day for him and he'd presumably therefore been asleep all day.

I think he is giving you a huge clue as to how much he wants to repair your relationship.

You cannot rely on him, you cannot risk losing your job, so I agree that you should bypass the counselling and get legal advice and alternative childcare arrangements.

Wow, thanks for your replies, nothing like an outside perspective to make you think, so thank you for giving your time.

Sorry it's taken so long to come back, he arrived at 9am apologising that his phone isn't working so no alarm or calls worked. I've been non stop at work then bath and bedtime etc til now. He has apologised and sent the phone off for repair so I'm inclined to believe him.

I wasn't intentionally drip feeding but I was very angry and frustrated this morning.

I'll try to answer some of your comments -
Today was a KIT day, building up over the weeks and right now my boss is very understanding and flexible as my cover hasn't finished as yet. This will only last a few of weeks though and the company on the whole is not at all fluffy or flexible on time keeping.

He is not intentionally controlling but he knows I always put the children first which enables him to be immensely thoughtless. If he's upset or ill or angry he shuts down into himself. Ironically he wanted a family far more than me.

No, no ambulance, I don't know the address he's staying at. (Yes that is an issue). I'm quite sure he genuinely meant to help out though. He does struggle with broken sleep and there are times he gets over-exhausted. Knowing this though, I'm annoyed that he's staying somewhere with no landline and no way for me to reach him or locate him if his phone is off. To avoid this I had relented and suggested he stay in the spare room. He didn't have a back up alarm for his dodgy phone.

He is staying elsewhere as he has repeatedly made choices that put us into financial difficulty including secret payday loans. For no reason I can understand or that he can explain he continued to lie after he was found out. He swears it's not gambling. He has, as it turns out, fundamentally failed to share or participate in this marriage as an equal partnership.

I feel I owe it to the children to get some professional help whatever I decide to do. They are very little now and probably wouldn't remember living as a family, if we break up, but the emotional impact matters. I also want some support to move forward.

Thanks again.

So he's behaved like an arse and you've let him back in the house? Sounds like rewarding bad behaviour.

No, sorry it was a request for last night only for my convenience so I could be sure of his presence at 7am after Saturday's debacle. And I was massively pissed off this morning when I felt my point was proven.

He currently helps with bedtime but sleeps there. His shifts make it possible to fudge it with the DCs for now as they are so small. He is here when he's normally here for them, but out of my headspace at other times.

Them staying away with him is not yet an option even if I knew where and approved as DC 2 is still BF.

Oh dear.
Sounds like he's trying to punish you. An easier "reward" would be to buy him an alarm clock or agree to drop off the kids at his house so u can eRn a living . Tbh he sounds like a man child and as if not much will change ... Having him back won't solve a thing for you but I'm sure he's nice n cosy again.
Don't let him f up your job for you- you"ll need it.

I'm sorry but how old is this man?

He is acting like a manipulative child!

Easier said than done, but I would get on and factor him out of equation, he is being an unreliable controlling arse and only way of dealing with someone like this is to gain back your control of your situation and come to an understanding of what he actually is, you can not rely on him at all.

Do not engage.

Hard I know, hope you can find some calm

Secret payday loans?????

That was/is pretty much my sentiment joan.

Nothing you have said convinces me he is anything but controlling and manipulative.

He could buy an alarm clock for about £1.

You need to step back, take off the rose coloured spectacles and see what he is doing.

He is not intentionally controlling but he knows I always put the children first which enables him to be immensely thoughtless

I don't know the address he's staying at. (Yes that is an issue) ... I'm annoyed that he's staying somewhere with no landline and no way for me to reach him or locate him if his phone is off. To avoid this I had relented and suggested he stay in the spare room.

You're giving him far too much of the benefit of the doubt. Not intentionally controlling ... yet he's manipulated the situation so that you have had to let him back into the house to solve the problem. That's a complete win for him. Expect more of the same now he knows it's working.

By all means get counselling for yourself but quite clearly he does not accept that he has done, or is doing, anything wrong. He has no wish to make amends.

What a complete waste of space, pity he didn't put his kids and family first like you did.

Sorry but what a load of BS re not knowing the time, phone broke etc, never mind the pay day loans, seriously, what an arsehole.

You just described my ex to a tee. And sorry to say but he's never changed, he couldn't give a fuck about letting people down not even his own dd.

And you sound just like me. Believing he genuinely cared and that all of his excuses were real. Then I met dh and woke up to exes manipulative shit.