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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex (dds dad) and his family have got me so mad

14 replies

mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:15

Hi posted a thread on the parent bored last week regarding my 8 year old daughters change of behaviour and issues with not wanting to go stay at her grandparents anymore, dont want to have to write all the back history up again so i appologise if its confusing.

Basically since her dads moved out of grandparents house shes not enjoyed going, she normally goes every weekend without fail, but is not wanting to go any more. Below is what i commented last night on the thread but things have taken a turn since last night.

*DD has been really good all week think the grounding worked well BUT she went to stay at grandparents last night as usual and she normally sleeps Saturdays aswell but 5pm today grandma rang me and said she was been a little horror apparently fighting with her 9 year old cousin and then getting lippy with grandma, she said my daughter was adament that she wanted to come home so for the first time in a long time shes with me on a saturday night.

Her dad was supposed to be staying tonight to spend time with her aswell so she was wanting to see him, ive rang him up and offered him chance to come see her at mine to cheer up and hes turned up for all of half an hour with his gf and were heading to the pub all smartly dressed so something tells me that no matter where dd was they were going out tonight. I wanted to have a serious tal with him about this situation but i dont wanna talk in front of the gf havent got a problem with her but i dont want her butting in etc.

So anyway i work sundays and now havent got a sitter for her as grandma is in a strop told me when went for her if she comes home shes not coming tomorrow as shes got alot on and not deeling with stroppy kids (exact words) so im now stuck for someone to have her waiting on her dad to get back to me but obviously hes out, my mums nowhere to be found and my other kids dad has agreed if cant get anyone she can go with him and kids to his but that is not ideal they arent close even when we were together he never really showed much interest in my dd but at least i know i can rely on someone.

Im so annoyed now with it all, feel like a bad mum there must of been obvious cracks in this routine for sometimes and ive just been letting her go no questions asked*

So today I managed to get her dad to come and get her he looked rough as anything obviously hungover told him i hope hes fit to drive and he laughed at me. I finished work at 6pm and my other ex was dropping the others off at 6.15pm so wanted to hurry home i had asked dds dad if he can drop her off at around same time, when i finished i noticed a txt saying hes dropped her at his mums and ill have to collect her as his dads out (normally drops her off) FFS they live a 10 min walk from me why cant his mum just walk wit her, so ive had to make a detour and be late to let the others in. I was so annoyed been fuming all day as it is so i thought sod it stayed quiet too long so ive rang her dad up and his gf answered his phone said he was in the bath and that he would ring me back got to 9pm and still no call so ive sent him a very long txt basically saying either get back into a better routine or i will stop the visits to his mums, its effecting her school work and her behaviour at school and home. Ive had a very nasty txt back (bit out of character of him hes usually really laid back and no care in world) saying "well you wouldnt hack her not coming since like to get rid of your kids to spend time with whatever fella you have on the go"

I have a feeling his gf has sent it, because thn i had another not long after saying "sorry i will talk to dd tomorrow ill pick her up from school and we can sort this out" I have only just found the courage to txt back was so upset by the first txt. Ive just said ok and not to send txts like the first 1. Hate arguing with people dont know what to do

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mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:16

Sorry its long, was supposed to put the middle paragraphs in bold dont know why its not worked

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whitesugar · 06/04/2014 22:25

Personally I would leave it now rather than re-ignite it. Have a chat with DD to see what is bothering her. Its not worth starting World War III with his GF.

mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:29

yer i dont intend on arguing with anyone just want to get to the bottom of DDs behaviour and it seems im only one who is concerned and listening to her. Im trying not to force her to talk but when i have spoke to her she just keeps saying shes bored at grandmas

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mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:31

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2041673-8-year-old-daughter-playing-up-very-out-of-character

Link to my original post if the background info would bean help for advice

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babycow38 · 06/04/2014 22:43

Have you asked your DD why she dislikes going? Is there a problem in the house or she maybe upset her dad just drops her off and doesnt spend time with her? Her reluctance to go and stay over would set some alarm bells going for me. i would find quite time and ask her if anything is bothering her at Grandmas.She obviously is not happy and this would be my priority tbh. Also speak to Dad without gf there,it will be more productive. It is so upsetting when the shared child care is not amicable so i do know how you feel, it feels like you have to do all the running around to sort out HIS time with His DC. Also you were not out with some fella ,you were at work,just ignore her and speak to your DD Dad.

babycow38 · 06/04/2014 22:49

Sorry ,just realised you said she was bored, although i would keep trying to get her to open up a bit more.I know 8 year old little girls do not really want to be out of their comfort zone, i have an 11 year old and she will point blank will not do a sleepover at her Dads. However if it is a recent change and she was happy to go there when her Dad lived there i would think you have to look a bit deeper than she is bored. Is she left to her own devices? homesick? a problem with Grandma/Grandad.

mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:51

She just keeps saying shes bored, when her dad was there he spent time with her but now hes got his own place the routine has changed. Shes been going every weekend since she was a baby so i am pretty sure its since hes moved out the problems have occured.

I will see if he keeps his word tomorrow he usually is quite good just got a bit slack recently blaming lack of money not sure what thats got to do with seeing his daughter if petrols the problem he could walk would only take about 20 mins on foot from his flat

I just feel really bad because shes never showed any concern before ive just been sending her every week and never given her feelings a second thought i always thought she liked going. And i admit i enjoy my child free weeknds but i try and fit alot of my hours in at work to save childcare

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mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 22:56

Yes she is left to her own devices pretty much especially now getting older they say they dont know what to do with her anymore on a few occasions shes been going to the wmc with her grandad which she likes because she sees kids from school there sometimes

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mummyOF4darlings · 07/04/2014 22:06

update - he kept his word and came took her to mcdonalds and has promised to spend more time with her so hopefully things may improve.

I asked him why he/ or gf had sent such an hurtful txt and said because his gf knows my bf and hes apparently trouble and doesnt want him round his daughter bla bla bla.

So firstly i asked why he is trouble and he said her brother used to go round with him at school and he got kicked out for having a temper WHEN HE WAS 15!!! He is nearly 30 now ffs. Hes already brought it up in convo he was bad at school i havent got any issues with whatever happened nearly 15 years ago. He then said well he used to knock about with a bad crowd again years ago. Bloody double standards ex was no angel when i met him still isnt Angry

Secondly i pointed out if he was so concerned about my bf (who barely even sees my daughter tbf) why isnt he making more effort to keep her away...

Still annoyed and i feel like something deffnate needs putting into place to keep the boundaries up, but after so long of me been fairly laid back over what happens on visits is it too late to start giving them orders?

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OurMiracle1106 · 07/04/2014 22:13

Maybe if he wasn't just palming his daughter off to get drunk she wouldn't be bored! Why can't he have her at his house. And who you are or are not sleeping with is no concern of his when your daughter isn't with you IMO it only becomes his concern if it affects your dd

mummyOF4darlings · 07/04/2014 22:23

OurMiracle1106 - weve been through it when he first got his flat how come she cant stay and apparently because its only a 1 bed its not suitable for her. Have suggested her sleeping on sofa or i can send our air bed up but he reckons his neighbours are very loud and will disturb her.
Hes promised once tenancys up they are ging to try get a 2 bed so she can start going so we ill see

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Theoldhag · 07/04/2014 23:57

I would wonder if when your ex was living with his parents that as soon as she was in bed he went out and his parents babysat? Now he is living in his own place he doesn't have on tap baby sitters so palms your dd off to grandparents? She (your dd) seems to have reached an understanding to just how much he was/is around for her and she seems to be defending her feelings about it by refusing to stay with him and his parents?

He sounds like a completely absent father emotionally and (now) physically, I would be inclined to organise things without factoring him (and his parents) into any plans of yours. If you want an evening out then maybe find a helpful/responsible teen who needs a bit of pocket money.

Frustrating it is for you and hurtful for your poor dd, she is better off being with those who are there for her and not facing regection.

mummyOF4darlings · 08/04/2014 11:36

Yes you are completely right he did used to be out all the time when he lived with his parents but shes always gone for the full weekend and he would take her on day trips etc at least

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mummyOF4darlings · 08/04/2014 11:38

Shes looking forward to going this weekend though as having a sleep over at her aunties

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