Depression/Anxiety or flawed relationship?

[AnxietyGirl]

I suffer a lot from anxiety which in turn leads to depression.

I'm rarely happy, I fluctuates mainly from being "okay" to suicidal.
I spend a lot of time worrying about my actions and what other people may think of me and worrying about decisions and the future.

I love OH; he is kind, gentle and loving. But he clearly wants more affection than I feel able to provide. Sometimes he tries to touch me and I cringe away. I find myself being critical or, more commonly, distant and quiet. I miss him when I'm not with him but when we are together we don't interact much, mainly because I pull away or just want to be left alone.
When I'm "well"; we can laugh and have fun together but this isn't often.

We've been living together for 4 years now and I'm comfortable around him in a way I'm just not with other people but there are times where he irritates me and sometimes even repulses me which is so unfair on him.
I often fantasise about living on my own and away; but im not sure if it's our relationship or whether I just can't cope with the guilt of being a bad partner.

Sometimes I just want to come home from work and go to bed but can't because it would be unfair on him.

I have no idea what to do, whether to stay - I have the same problem with my career choices too.

is this a flaw with my relationship or is it me?

(I've tried ADs and am apparently on the list for counselling but keep getting lost on the system )

How long did you try the ADs for? what were you taking?

Fluxoetine and some other one. tbh not long at all. I'm appallingly bad at remembering to take tablets; even when they are really important. its embarassing and not deliberate at all.

they do take a while to work, i am on citalopram which is similar to fluxoetine. I am a bit rubbish about remembering my meds at the moment and it isn't good really to do that.

I think you should push them harder for the counselling, become a squeaky wheel until you get somewhere, this is what i had to do.

When you say he wants more affection, do you mean sex? how does he react when you say no? I adore my DP but there are things about him that irritate me, thats normal - when you love someone you get them all, warts and all, but it would be niave to think that love makes you ignore the warts, it doesn't, it does make them less of a problem.

Do you know what it is that triggers your anxiety?