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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Yet Another Argument....

46 replies

wills84 · 06/04/2014 21:07

Second time in a matter of weeks where I've been compelled to walk out! I'm on my phone so apologies for any mistakes.

So it's Sunday, I took a day off tomorrow so me and DP could go to a theme park during the holidays, really excited this morning about it!
I go for lunch at Grans, DP was going to his Mums, plan was to spend the afternoon together and go play at a social badminton club late afternoon. I get to Grans, get a text saying he'll be late back, decided to go and play tennis.
Bit annoyed to be honest as he just cancels our plans, so I decide to go out with sister and friends to play badminton instead.

He strolls in 4pm and all hell breaks loose because I'm not going to badminton with him, because it's something we always do. Yet the entire time I'm there he barely even acknowledges my existence. He goes to the bedroom and reads and I headed back to see my sister. Come in, try and say sorry (even though I'm sure I've done nothing wrong) and get told to get out of his face, and he doesn't want to be anywhere near me.

I got quite upset, all this over me not going to badminton with him and me being pissed off he extended his afternoon away from me so I felt compelled to just get in the car. And here I am, pulled up in some lay by typing this, don't really want to go home for the silent treatment yet I think he's massively overreacting. Am I right here?

OP posts:

Logg1e · 07/04/2014 09:48

You are giving him all of the control (when he wakes up) over your happiness OP.

What can you do to, irrespective of his wishes?

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 09:54

OP, I am being very serious here, so please do three things for me? OK.

Read back to yourself, slowly and calmly, all the postings you have made on this thread.
Then, slowly and calmly, ask yourself what you would say to someone else who had made those postings.

Hopefully the scales will fall from your eyes and you can now read and undertake my third request:

Pack your bags and leave this nasty piece of work. Go anywhere, kip on a friend's sofa for a few nights, but get out.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 09:58

OP, you are sleepwalking into an abusive relationship. How long before he starts "asking" if he can give you a slap ?

Throwing water is assault and you gave him your permission !

His respect for you must be miniscule and getting less with every instance of you swallowing behaviour like this and still coming back for more of the same.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/04/2014 10:01

He's abusive. Get out now while you can. He's given you an out, TAKE IT. You might be sad to begin with, but once you find a truly decent man that will treat you well, you will look back and think "what in the hell did I see in that arse?"

LineRunner · 07/04/2014 10:17

I read somewhere recently about the dynamics of a relationship like this, OP. You are addicted to the pain he causes you because you are addicted to the relief that he can give you from it. Hence you are waiting like an addict for your 'fix' - for when he says he is prepared to give you another chance.

This is no way to live. Get out, and please get some support in RL.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 10:18

That is a good way to describe it, LR

OP, where have you gone ?

Original poster

wills84 · 07/04/2014 11:40

Sorry I'm still here. Just been tied up trying to talk things through.

I'm not the best girlfriend in the world, I know that. And having it pointed out so much is terrible! I will take on board everything people have said but the future doesn't look too good. He doesn't believe I love him or that things would be different

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 11:43

he is blaming you for your own abuse then ?

he "doesn't believe" you love him ?

how does he expect you to "prove" it...by overlooking the fact he is an arsehole ?

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 11:45

OP, are you REALLY noticing anything anyone is saying to you on this thread???

Seriously, will you wake up and smell the coffee! He is an abusive, manipulative, controlling wanker and you must leave NOW. The future won't look good until you leave him and realise you had a lucky escape.

tallwivglasses · 07/04/2014 12:51

Ah yes, the character assasination - it's all part of the script, and you're starting to believe you're as dreadful as he says you are. Please trust those of us who've been there - it ain't going to get any better :(

longtallsally2 · 07/04/2014 13:03

OP, please give yourself some space. Have an exit strategy. If you can't bear to leave now, do not sign another lease at the end of the 6 months. Go back home and think again. If this relationship could ever work, then he will respect you more for being independent and stronger and having your own boundaries. Make sure that you keep real life friends and family and talk to them. You may need their support at sometime - we all needs friends.

But if he really loved you he would not have thrown water over you, however infuriating you are. No-one is the perfect girlfriend. People shouldn't have to be perfect, or even lovely, to be loved. Boyfriends love us because they love us, not because they want us to change. And sometimes it doesn't work out. But that's OK because out there are people who will love you, really love you, for who you are.

If you leave, when you leave, please look at the Freedom Programme online or google Women's Aid. It can be a big step towards becoming a stronger person who looks after herself and finds a man who will respect her.

BosieDufflecoat · 07/04/2014 13:47

Just another voice chiming in to tell you he is an arse. I had a boyfriend like him when I was in my late teens. I wish I'd told him to stuff himself instead of staying. You will look back one day and kick yourself for letting this one treat you like this.

He's right. You aren't the best girlfriend in the world for him. The best girlfriend for him is a heartless one with her head up her own bottom. You are the best girlfriend for the right man for you, who is not this one. The right man for you is out there somewhere, and he will laugh with you and be kind to you.

This one is wrong. Don't keep talking to him. He doesn't deserve your time or affection. Don't keep trying to make him like you, or trying to get your questions answered, or trying to make this work. Because he isn't nice.

Stop talking to him and walk away, this week. Please.

ghostwritten · 07/04/2014 14:23

Wills please reread this thread and take on board the replies your original post received.

There is no way that this relationship is able to work for you. A good partner (or even an ok partner who for whatever reason wants to end the relationship) would throw a glass of water all over you. That he asked and was given permission, is neither here or there. Aside from highlighting that you need to reassess your boundaries.

1.Please consider getting some counseling.
2.Leave now.
Really if you can afford to move back to your place of employment do.

Even if it means staying with friends for a few weeks until you can

sort out new accommodation.
As has been said he could get a lodger to cover your part of the rent.
3.Do not think/believe that if you change, the relationship; ie his
behaviour towards you, will be ok. It wont. Promising to visit has
family or making more of an effort will not sort this out.

The water incident showed a deep level of disrespect towards you.

Pleading with him, keep me, keep me I will change will only make his abuse of you worse and do yet more damage to your emotional health and self esteem. If he says jump and you say how high? you are heading for a big fall.

Keep posting here for support and contact friends/family for addition

rl support/advice.

Its going to hurt like hell but; you can break away, become stronger and happier. And in time look back and think how the hell did I put up with his nastiness.

ghostwritten · 07/04/2014 14:33

Sorry
"a good partner (or even an ok partner who for whatever reason wants to end the relationship) would throw a glass of water all over you".

Should have read a good partner (or even an ok partner who for whatever reason wants to end the relationship) would not throw a glass of water over you.

bleedingheart · 07/04/2014 14:42

My love, he KNOWS you love him, that is why he feels secure enough to throw water over you.
What is he doing to improve things? Getting you to jump through hoops and change. You wil never meet his challenges and the goalposts will shift daily.

You should be feeling horrified at this behaviour, not trying to win him back!

Jan45 · 07/04/2014 15:04

What an asshole, verbally and physically abusing you, telling you it's all you when in fact it's him, seriously, OP please read what folk are saying.

This is never going to get better OP, in fact it will stay shit and perhaps get even shitter.

If you don't value yourself, nobody else will, he clearly sees you as an easy target to abuse and make himself feel good, you sure you want to be with a man like that?

AngelaDaviesHair · 07/04/2014 15:10

O, crikey.
Listen OP, I do hope you are ok. Please could you show your sister, or a good friend, your postings on this thread? What would your parents say if you told them what he did? Just talk to someone in RL.

And please could you get away from him to have a good think?
Can you imagine throwing a glass of water over him, or saying to him the things he said to you? I suspect not.

Don't hope for him to change his mind. He showed you yesterday that he has deep resentment, lack of respect and what seems to be an irrational degree of anger towards you. That can't really be papered over once he's calmed down.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 08/04/2014 15:13

You do know that when her calls you a psychopath, he's projecting, right?

Get away from him love, quick as you can - as someone above rightly pointed out, he can get a flatmate to cover the rest of the rent.

Run, don't walk.

debbs77 · 08/04/2014 16:03

What is The Script and where can I find it? X

Finola1step · 08/04/2014 16:29

Oh dear lord.

He asked you if he could throw his water at you? And you said yes! And he did. This is ridiculous.

What next? Permission to give you a push or a slap? No, he won't ask permission because he's got you doubting yourself so much, that you will think that it's his way of showing emotion

If you don't want to listen to us, then that's your choice. But please, please talk to sensible friends in rl. Maybe you will listen to them and get out.

Isetan · 08/04/2014 16:34

He asked your permission to throw water at you and you said yes. It appears you are perfectly matched because he respects you as much as you respect yourself. Stop asking why he's an abusive knob and start asking why you take his crap.

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