Has anyone split up but stayed in the same house?

[FeelSoStuck]

I don't mean 'stayed together for the sake of the children', but split up, told the DC that you are no longer a couple, but that you are still parents, and are living in the same house?

And moved into separate rooms?

This is a solution I am wondering about - London house prices and rent prices compared with mine and his earning power, are currently making it impossible to get separate places. To buy him out of our modest house I would need a massive mortgage. Our house, sold, would not enable us to buy two smaller places in which to have the DC. Can't afford to rent big enough places. Hard to move kids to a new area in London secondaries , we currently have an excellent one, and I want to respect DC close friendships in a time which could be vulnerable.

We aren't having terrible screaming rows, no violence or other abuse, just grinding, boring misery. I want to stop pretending.

I can see future relationships with anyone else could be tricky and could not be conducted 'in-house'.

Anyone tried it?

there are so many new models of families that children experience, what would be the advantages and drawbacks of living together but separately?

I think it is the future relationships thing that would be the spanner in the works, also, how can you really move on - resentment would build rather than dissipate. Why are you separating? Could it be that you just don't want to let go?

Also, just because its not screaming rows that doesn't mean that the children wont pick up on unpleasantness. How old are you kids? I think its pretty confusing. You say that you wouldn't be able to afford to stay in this house and you can't afford bigger placeS - why would he need a big place, a one bedroom flat is all he needs, while he continues to support his children in their family home - that would be better surely.

Would you just be in separate bedrooms? That isn't really living separately is it? What about meals? showers etc?

Are you definately splitting up - or are you just in a rut? and you want THAT to stop?

Wondering if this is the future for me, too. Will watch with interest.

I am doing this at the moment, also entirely because of circumstances. It would be diaastrous for all concerned if we were to live in separate houses. I will cross the new relationship bridge when I come to it.
If you can be civil and reconciled with the past it may be the best thing, for the moment

I knew somebody years ago who did this. She was constantly complaining about how difficult it was but had a large house so neither of them wanted to sell up and buy separate houses. Most people didn't say anything to her of course but we all thought it was a mad arrangement.

I think it's more than a rut.

I do still think 'if only we could do this' , I think of rescue plans, but DP has changed so much. I don't always like him. His views and politics have changed. He is insensitive and always has been, and now it makes me despise him. He takes great pleasure in the company of the DC but often pans things without me. He is a good involved dad, but doesn't show much interest in being a loving partner any more. I think he thinks we are staying together for the sake of the children. (12 yo)

I imagined he would need a bigger flat for access and overnight stays. But I suppose he could come here. And have the spare room. Doesn't give me much privacy though.

lemmingcurd - have you told your children you have, in an emotional sense, separated?

I think this would be very confusing for your children due to their age - 12y. They wont know which way is up.

There may be a way around this.

The kids get to stay in the family home.
You pay halves on the rent of a tiny studio flat.

Each adult spends half the week at home and the other half in the flat, turn and turn about.

The flat is treated strictly as a hotel room in that any personal belongings get locked away at the end of your time there. Even bedclothes etc - though you may want to get a neutral shared set of kitchen stuff.

There would need to be strict rules laid down and you would need to agree what to do about other partners. Would they be allowed in the flat or not?

You would also need to set a date for ending the arrangement and selling the family home to split properly.

LetsFaceTheMusic...you may well be on to something there.

Good idea.

What LetsFaceTheMusic suggests is known as 'bird nesting' I think. There was a thread in the divorce/separating board about it with a link to a positive article from Psychologies magazine about the effects on children of this arrangement.

Why should one partner (usually the man) only 'need a one bedroom flat whilst continuing to support his DC(s)', financially I presume? He's not allowed somewhere pleasant to live and to have his DC(s) to stay then just because his marriage has broken up??? All he's good for is money not having a hands on caring relationship with his offspring. Shocking attitude.

No. Read my post properly. Both partners take turns and have the same amount of time in both the flat and house.

How is that a shocking attitude when it places equal responsibility on each partner?

That arrangement sounds like far too hard work. And to have every other week away from your real home would just be so stressful and spending half the year without the comfort of your own bed, furniture, clothes, knacks etc would be impractical.

That's what a friend of mine and her ex are doing except they're each staying with friends... so basically they each spend equal time in and out of the family home. Seems to be working for them.

Is there anyone each of you could stay with OP?

What is his view of splitting up?

in reply to question no I haven't told the DCs anything. For work reasons I spend 10 days a month away from family home and in summer I get to spend a long time with just them, no H. I have detached from the marriage in my head and this helps me to think of H as another person of whom I expect nothing except civility and good parenting. Since I stopped thinking of him as a husband I have started communicating with him a lot better. Much better than the screaming rows and constant tension there was previously.

Would boosting your income by getting a lodger help?
After my dh and I split up I got a student lodger. The extra £500 a month has meant that I can stay in the house with the kids and he can rent a flat.........just! Might be worth a thought for you?

We are still friends and I've often wondered whether we could live in the same house etc....it would be a damn sight cheaper! But I think all it would do is remind me on a daily basis why we are not together.