Anyone else feel suffocated by more their parents and in-laws?

[FishAlive]

I find our relatives such hard work. My parents are divorced and remarried so I've got two lots and then there's PIL too, plus siblings on both mine and DH's side.

There always seems to be a drama going on somewhere, some are bored so seem to rely on us and DD for entertainment, some have narc tendencies, some are stubborn, some are difficult, some are smothering and overly nice. I just find it all so fricking much to deal with on top of our own stuff (ie me, DH and 2yo DD).

We moved home from living abroad to be closer to them when we had DD but they are hard work. All of them. I feel pulled in different directions by them all. Even when they are being genuinely nice I find it suffocating. They all help with childcare and for the most part it's great to see them with DD and she really loves them but DH and I struggle.

I find myself envious of friends who's parents or in-laws live far away or who aren't interested which I know is ridiculous. Two lots of ours are walking distance and the other us a 10min drive which in theory is why we moved back to the UK. Now we're here (3 years after moving back) I wish there was a bit more distance. Which is horrid and stupid and selfish. I know there are people who would give their right arms to be close to their parents and in-laws so I don't mean to sound ungrateful, just that the reality isn't all roses.

Am failing at pleasing them all and upsetting myself in the process. Moving away again isn't an option at this precise time though is something we may consider in the future. Yet as we'll be doing that with 2 DC (am currently pg) I already feel guilty leaving these DGPs behind.

Am sure there isn't a solution, just ranting really... Can anyone empathise?

I do sympathise.

However, you seem to have very black and white thinking. Either you live abroad, or you live very close and they are overinvolved.

Can you not find some middle ground where you limit the amount of time you spend with them and don't allow yourself to get engaged in their various dramas?

Do you maybe just have to be a bit more assertive? Answer the phone to them less? Keep the conversations briefer? Use them less for childcare, saying you want DD to get used to nursery before new baby arrives or similar bullshit?

Please tell me they don't have a key to your house? Or that they turn up unannounced?

If they do, try to knock all that on the head on the pretext you will need some quiet family time when the new baby arrives.

BOUNDARIES OP, BOUNDARIES!!!!

Good luck with this and with the new baby ( and carry on planning that move abroad to keep you sane!)

Well moving back to where we're from made sense - it's where we grew up, where all our friends live, good for work etc etc. it wouldn't have made sense to live elsewhere.

No they don't let themselves in or anything like that thank god and we have for the most part set some boundaries. I don't blame them for wanting to see us but I think they forget we've got an "extra set" to fit in. Then the dramas... there is always someone cross about something - not necessarily with us but with another relative.. Historically we have been the ones in the middle doing a lot of the running around or peace making but we've moved away from that in the last few years.

I dunno. I don't feel very generous with my kindness or time, I just feel like I'm constantly feeling obligated or guilty or frustrated or stretched and like we're letting them down or disappointing them with how little time we have for them.

Everything was simpler when we had just us to think of and get in a few Skype chats each week. Probably a case of the grass is greener but feels like a constant family-pleasing-hamster-wheel that I'd quite like to get off. Maybe I'm just unkind.

And I should point out that its not even like they make unreasonable demands from us... We don't get Sunday lunch invites anymore because we were always saying no or already booked in but I think they all feel sad about that yet we just feel relieved that we can have day to ourselves to do what we want. I prefer to be left alone I think - but realise that completely flies in the face if any kind of "family-spirit".

I smiled on reading your post because for me its the other way round. I live very close to my son and his 2 dds and my dd and her 3 sons. I love my gc very much but dont always want to see them every day. The gardengets wrecked with footballs the house a tip and larder always expected to be full! As for sunday lunch it would be nice if they invited u for a change.

I can empathise. My dad lives in a different country and still manages to make my life difficult! Family = hassle.

I find it hard trying to please family all the time as well. I'm not very sociable, I don't like fuss and noise and pty conversation. I hate that my daughter has to suffer through some intense visits, she is really sensitive to noise and the ILS are so loud ad overbearing. I try to put us three first, it's not eat though when you feel responsible for other's happiness because you have the only grandchild!
I sympathise completely. And boundaries are easier to talk about than to reset...!

Thanks all!

Interesting to hear it from the other side jolly. One set of parents are already feeling that way about my siblings children. As mine is still so little and with another on the way I fear it may be a while until the novelty of us wears off!!

I was talking to DH about it last night and we just feel so duty-bound. If we make arrangements with friends at a weekend we hate mentioning it to our parents because you feel the sadness/disaapointment/resentment from them that we're not making the same plans with them. It's not that we don't want to spend time with them but we do try to treat them all fairly which is hard going in itself.

And then I think how little we see them compounds things as they try to string things out when we do see them. They say they'll "pop in" and it could be hours later that they'll go because they are so desperate to see DD. by which time me and DH are getting antsy because we've got loads to do/shops shut/lunch is late/DD is overtired etc etc.

I think if I didn't work 4/5 days a week is be happier to get them to have DD on a weekend when weve got chores to do but really that time is so precious just the 3 (soon 4) of us that I don't want to give that up.