People who are 'no contact' with their ex; how?

[BadSeedsAddict]

Seeing if anyone has any tips or can tell me how it works for them. I have to have some contact with EA ex to arrange contact with DCs. We do this via text and he seems determined to slip in digs or criticisms at every opportunity. I'm much better at dealing with this now, than I was at first.
Just wondered what other people do regarding No Contact; texts, emails? Or are there other ways?

finally 3 years on from my ea exh
he does not have my phone number. he does not have my address... all mail is sent to my parents. he knows the town I live in. he rarely sees kids but if he does he collects and drops off from my parents and they do the hand over.
if he wants to talk to me he can email... that is it.
I am lucky cos he buggered off and seems to be overseas alot. he pays no maintenance but feels guilty occasionally so coughs up some money
took a lot of hard work on my part to get this far but so glad I managed to push him out... my world is alot better place without him in it

oh and when he does email... I keep it very factual so he can't use it against me.
last email he sent... how are the kids... I put
dd is still doing tae kwon do. ds1 started beavers and ds2 is enjoying preschool.

that was literally it.
he seems happy that in his mind he cares about his children and haven't heard from him for more than a month

That's really useful whitedoorbell, thanks! My ex set up nightly phone calls at the start of the split and the kids now expect this. I was in a state and felt I had to do the same to be 'reasonable'. It makes me feel like he's taking up my time with the kids and listening in to what I'm doing with them (I'm not generally paranoid, but he criticized me in mediation for having people round for tea). He also uses this as a control method - if I'm out when he's got them and am going to be late calling, he will tell me I am inconveniencing him as he has set plans etc. Or, if I have the DCs and someone has invited one of them to tea or something crops up, he will complain that he set up calling times with work ages ago and cannot change them.

My ex is also controlling, ea and it was physical at one point too.

I've set up a calendar via google documents. Any changes to agreed days and times have to be noted and agreed by both of us via the calendar.

All emails go via my mum. I have blocked him so he cannot text or call me. Nightly phone calls I instigate. He can contact family members of mine in an emergency.

When I collect my son I beep on the drive as I've asked he doesn't come to my car or speak to me.

He still find ways to cause problems. In fact reported me to the police last week for shouting and screaming outside his house which was a complete fabrication. But it gave me the opportunity to log his harassment with the police as it was so low level I felt I'd be wasting their time.

You must detach. Let's the kids answer the phone so you don't have to speak with him. Leave the room when he is speaking to the kids. Try not to show any reaction. Don't get embroiled in conversations. Just keep to direct answers and facts as much as possible.

We have a 6pm agreed time. I do keep to this and if we're out and about my son is usually distracted enough to not want to talk for more than a min or two anyway.

It's so hard so you have my sympathy.

How old are the DC? You can give them crappy PAYG mobiles that they never even take out of house. Then he can call them direct on their phones and you don't even have to speak to him. If he calls housephone get them to answer. Don't answer yourself. He will soon get bored.

This will get easier as the DC get older I promise you, as they will make their own arrangements with him and you will barely be involved anyway. They will be telling him they aren't seeing him as they are going to X,Yor Z instead.

When he calls to get DC have them ready ( tell them he is coming 15 mins earlier than expected) to go and let them open door and just go if they are old enough. When they come back just open door and then wander off.

My XH used to do this whole pitiful drama thing when he dropped DC off where he would make it sound like DS didn't want to come home and he would be saying things like "It's OK son, I will ring you later, I will see you on Friday, don't worry, it will all be OK" then as soon as the door was shut, DS was fine, grinning and happy. XH just wanted to make it all a huge drama.

I don't call the DC all the time when they are with him either. They often see it as an annoyance when XH calls them here and I just don't feel the need. Maybe every couple of days.

It will get better, it just takes time to adjust.

Thank you for the replies
I'll have a think, about the phone thing, as there will be a better way I'm sure. I like the google calendar idea and think emails sound good too as well as running things through another person. Thank you.

How old are your kids?
It is probably easier for them to have their own PAYG mobile,even if its a tenner one from Argos. let him fund it seeing as he is the one who wants the nightly phone calls.
Even a 5 year old can use a mobile. Make sure you just get a basic one just for calls and texts, no internet.

Google calendar sounds a really good idea. Is it easy to set up, maintain and keep secure? (Sorry, totally non-teccie here).

Ex prepares a spreadsheet which he sends over so agreeing changes can be a bit hit and miss (actually usually I am the one who forgets to record)

This is where I'm aiming with STBXH as well. Right now it's texts, however, I'm going to push for emails (and leave texts for emergencies only - which there shouldn't really be any as he doesn't have the DCs on his own) for setting up contact or any issues. I hate texting as it can follow me wherever I go, whereas with emails I can check it in the evening without it interrupting me constantly.

Tiredandsadmum yes I did it with a spreadsheet on google documents, the good thing is it's saved on the cloud so you can access it anywhere. Plus you can see historic versions of it, so when I thought my ex had made a change I hadn't agreed I could roll back changes to double check it. You just need a gmail account then you give your ex permission to view and amend it. So it's secure and you grant permissions otherwise no one else can see it.

I made a section for notes so he can't send me emails full of crap, plus I couldn't keep up with texts when he wanted to change times or dates. Now Its easy to view when/if I want to make plans.

Pm me if you need any help.

I think you can used icalendar too. But I've not done this myself.

I have spoken to my ex h twice in 11 years,Ive had NO contact.

I had a restraining order so neither he nor his family were allowed to contact me ( well his family was but not on his behalf and as they all hated me not a single one of them did )

I got my kids a cell phone each, they were 6 8 and 9 when we divorced, if he wanted to contact them he called them direct.

I had court set contact in place but came to the realization very early on he wasnt to be relied upon. I never made arrangements to do anything until the last minute as I was never sure hed come get them. He used to tell the kids if he had something planned and couldnt take them. ( used to piss me off as he wouldnt take them if he had plans just to go out,figured I was the baby sitter ) I just wouldnt let him take them at all if he didnt pick up when he was sposed to.

He doesn't use a computer so never had to bother with email,though it would have been useful in the early days,he doesnt txt so that was another route blocked.

Worked well for me actually,11 years and 2 conversations couldnt ask for a better contact schedule actually :o

now if I could just get the fcker to stop dragging me back to court Id be all set