Warring Elderly/Ailing Parents - WWYD?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My parents have never got on, to put it mildly. DM a very cross woman. Anxiety-making living with it growing up and depressing to see them still at it in their seventies. The picture is now complicated by DM having early stage (undiagnosed) Alzheimers and choosing to blame DF and others (neighbours, banks, etc) rather than accept she's impaired in any way. DF has a physical disability which is progressive but has been acting almost as DM's carer, cooking meals etc.

So they have an almighty row this weekend and she told him to get out. Given that they are so co-dependent I've told them not to do anything hasty but he's seeing a solicitor next week and she seems quite adamant that this is the end. I live at a distance. WWYD?

Practically, the first thing I would do is arrange (along with your siblings if you have any) Power of Attorney. That is not to say that you then take over their financial matters, but it will be there when you need it.

I know that is easier said than done but I'd recommend you arrange it if you can sooner rather than later, because you won't need it until you need it, iyswim. And by then it can be too late. You want to avoid being in the situation of your dad having passed away or perhaps having to go to hospital for a few days and your mother giving her cash away to the cleaner. My dad is thousands of dollars poorer due to being old and vulnerable. By the time we found out about it, it was too late. We now have PoA, and use it simply to keep an eye on his finances. He still has control, but we'll be in a position to put a stop to anything dodgy.

I would also start looking into aged care for your mother. Again, not because you want to put her in a home next week. But because (having just been through this with Dad) aged care accommodation is very scarce (and it's an incredibly complicated process!). Now, I don't live in the UK so finding somewhere convenient and suitable maybe a piece of cake, but it may not be.

In my experience (my grandparents) dementia can progress very quickly, and can become very dangerous - we're talking burning down the kitchen kind of stuff - so having secure accommodation is really important. Like your parents, my grandfather was a bit frail, and nanna was strong as an ox but had dementia. My grandfather had a heart attack and had to go hospital so, we needed to find somewhere for nanna for short term respite care. She had dementia and was lost and confused without him (they'd bickered and fought all their lives too, but kind of needed each other). She couldn't come home to us because the environment was so unfamiliar and she'd constantly wander off and get lost and confused. Because we'd done no ground work, and hadn't had her name down anywhere we had to put her in an awful place. Just awful. I'll never forget the smell of piss.

As for their relationship, I really don't know the answer. I hope you have siblings or other family members to share the emotional load, because it may be a long road.

You could also try the elderly parents board here on MN?

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this.
The sad thing is that your DM's impulse to throw your dad out is almost certainly the result of her dementia.
Setting up Power of Attorney takes months, I know because we are in the process and there is no hassle involved like you have with your parents. It may also not be possible because your DM may be deemed not to have capacity.
I think you will have to advise your father to safeguard his money and make sure that it is only used for the benefit of the two of them.

He may need to see his/her doctor and maybe social services.
Age Concern may be able to help, but I think the first line of approach would be the GP.
If your dad has been the carer in the situation how will your DM cope if/when you DF moves out? As bragmatic says, it could be quite dangerous.

Do you have any friends or family who live nearby them, Cogito? (Or can you actually get there yourself for a stay if not?) Given your DM's Alzheimer's and your DF's progressive illness, I think this was always going to need physical attendance and an intervention - although it's unfortunate that it's now been forced upon you and in a highly charged emotional situation.

There are other things that can present as Alzheimer's. So I would suggest speaking to the GP if you can.

Thanks all for the suggestions. On the money situation, it's actually DM that has the cash. Dad's not financially savvy and, like a lot of old couples, she's always been the one managing the bills etc. It's been a major source of arguments down the years.

I think I need to get doctors involved and will have to make the journey. As you say, she can't manage alone, Dad's very upset and I really don't think he knows what to do. Not that I know what to do, for that matter. We're a small family, unfortunately, and I have one sibling who lives near them but works away.

It would be different, I suppose, if they'd been happy prior to this and I could point to a radical change in behaviour. But, sadly, it's just an escalation of the usual crap with some age-related illness thrown in.

Thanks Polly. Realise other things can present as Alzheimers. I have wondered if DM has been suffering from depression, for example. It's horribly difficult, however, when the person does not accept that there's anything wrong and won't seek help. Also doesn't help that their GP is rubbish.

It is horribly difficult, especially if you live away and then when you get back to them, you have to spend some time re-confirming the relationship before you can do anything. (Complicated by the illnesses.) It's a lot easier when you're in the habit of popping in and can intervene in a more gradual way if needed. (Having said which, having the ability to do that might have meant that the situation wouldn't have altered in such a dramatic way in the first place.)

I'd get up there if you can, first, and see what things are like on the ground.

Ah Cog I do feel for you.

It depends on the services where they live of course but denying problems is a common thing with dementia and services are used to dealing with this. Sometimes even the rubbish GP's are prepared to refer on, even if it's to move the problem away from them. Even if your DM won't accept help getting her on the radar of services can be a good thing in itself, as the referral will go on record. Also, there is so much that can be done to reduce the risks at home if caught early enough, and avoid the situation poor bragmatic had

I think I'll talk to Dad today, see how he is and try to come up with a plan. I've spoken to him before about getting the GP to pay a house-call and he wasn't keen because of DM's likely reaction. Maybe if I'm there to take the flak he'll be braver.

Maybe so - you'd certainly be able to judge the situation better at closer hand. (On the phone is never the easiest in a complicated family.)

Have no useful advice, but just wanted to express my sympathy at you having to go through this. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.